ABYSSAL EPISTLES

This Blog Has Moved...

2011-07-28T00:04:00.000-07:00

I've shed my supervillain persona and now my post weekly writings at Austincoppock.com.

2009-07-02T21:30:00.000-07:00

Moved!

2008-10-07T21:10:00.000-07:00

The Baron's weekly writings can now be found at:
http://barons.uraniasweb.com

Astrology July 7th-13th: Atmospheric Pressure

2008-07-10T01:09:00.000-07:00

ABYSSAL EPISTLES
The Astrology of Baron Samadhi von Coppockalypse

Disclaimer: If you do not take every word of these horoscopes with the utmost faith, you will die. Statistics bear this out. Simply scan the newspapers. You will find that an overwhelming majority of the people that die each week DID NOT read the Baron's horoscopes.

Vol. 138: Atmospheric Pressure

This week sees a slew of planetary action. A Mars-Saturn conjunction, a Mercury-Pluto opposition and a Sun-Jupiter opposition all add themselves to the waxing Moon's witches brew for this week. Not only are we treated to a variety of intense planetary influences, but they all occur back to back, making the middle of the week an interesting time indeed.

Here's a brief breakdown of the conflicting forces afoot this week

Sun opposition Jupiter

The Sun in Cancer casts its eye at Jupiter in Capricorn from across the zodiac. The monthly focus on personal cultivation encounters opportunities just out of reach. A stretch is necessary in order to access these opportunities, but questions exist as to the quality of said opportunities, as well as whether the "stretch" may end up being a "rip."

Mars/Saturn conjunct in Virgo

At the same time, Mars, now in Virgo, marches to meet Saturn in early Virgo. Mars and Saturn are classical astrology's two malefic ("harm-causing") planets, and their biannual conjunctions often mark unpleasant events. Certainly most folks will emerge unscathed, but it does often put an unpleasant power into the air. Physical things, like bodies and computers, like to break or break down under this configuration. On the emotional level, anger born of frustration is a common response.

Mercury opposition Pluto

Also mid-week we see Mercury, about to leave Gemini for the first time in over 2 months, come into opposition with Pluto, which has temporarily retreated back into the arms of the Archer, Sagittarius. Mercury's opposition with Pluto sees secrets come to the surface, along with hidden emotions. It is also likely to bring finality to matters which have been batted back and forth in discussion for months now.

As these missives from the underworld emerge into daylight, they will trigger frustration and blow outs for some folks. For those in a position to moderate the influences of this week, a focused, industrious energy will be the positive result.

The primary conflict of the influences at work this week is between opportunity and frustrating difficulties. For many, the two will be tied together, and the vision of opportunity impossible to grasp without engaging the difficulties.

Frustration is a result of the friction between goals and obstacles. The steam that pours out your ears can also power a locomotive.*

*The Baron promises not to wax "motivational" more than once per month.

Horoscopes: July 7^th-13^th

Note on Horoscopes: 12 Fold horoscopes are a way to assess the general condition of the splayed rays of the zodiac. Although not without value, they are a blunt tool, and can only describe the archetypal activity in each power-zone. In order to sharpen the accuracy of the horoscopes, read your Sun Sign if you were born in the day-time, and read your Moon Sign if you were born at night. Reading the Sign in which the Ascendant is placed is also advised.

Aries: Or Others

Professional opportunities loom high above the foundations you've been doing patch up work on. However, the Mars-Saturn conjunction marks what may be a rather difficult work week. Don't hurt yourself. Or others. Your focus on personal power may be best served during the next few weeks by rerouting your attention from yourself to the tools you're working with.

Taurus: Have Fun Later

The Mars-Saturn conjunction this week cramps attempts at good times until the weekend. Meanwhile, extend financial considerations come to an important point and an opportunity for travel or personal expansion is highlighted.

Gemini: Bad News First

Communications with significant others which have meandered around clarity come to a head this week, leaving few illusions about the state of affairs. The Mars-Saturn conjunction provides little comfort, although the Sun spotlights what may be a financial opportunity.

Cancer: The Gift That Keeps On Giving

Birthday Cancers will receive a certificate for one (1) free weekly horoscope. Non-birthday Cancers receive the same. Read below to claim gift.

Distracting difficulties plague your mind as it emerges from an extended season stuck on personal conundrums. Take what pleasure you can in those who surround you. You may shine a fine light onto partners and close friends of quality.

Leo: Key Points

Mars' conjunction with Saturn in Virgo may mark a difficult week for you financially. Meanwhile, extended communications with peers and within groups to which you belong reach a key point. Benefits come through being willing to reassess your practices.

Virgo: Grindstone

Mars conjoins Saturn in your sign this week, turning the average Virgo workaholic into a high-powered super-slave. Or basket case. Go ahead and put your nose to the grindstone. It will grow back. And if not, there are likely reputable plastic surgeons in your area. As an added note, don't freak out and kill anyone, no matter how much of a "stress-relief" it sounds like.

Libra: Better Them Than You

Light shines from the professional area of your life onto opportunities in your living room. Or someone's living room. Of the 12 signs, you are likely least effected by the potential difficulties of this week, while the beneficial side of whats what is likely to hit your from the right angle.

Scorpio: Keep It To Yourself

Intense communications surround the middle of the week as Mercury moves into opposition with Pluto. The Mars-Saturn conjunction may add social and technical difficulties to the mix, but don't freak out, as there are likely opportunities afoot you'd rather not ruin.

Sagittarius: This Conversation Is Over

A long season of uncertain communications comes to an end this week with you putting the nail in the coffin of certain conversations. Meanwhile, monetary opportunities come more clearly into view, but the landscape of your professional sector is a harsher than usual this week. A lighter mood next week follows as Venus moves into Leo. Yes, a life-changing month of retarded fun is right around the corner.

Capricorn: Goaty

Of the twelve zodiacal tribes, Capricorn, you are the most likely to benefit from this week's opposition between Jupiter and the Sun. The Sun shines on opportunities. Don't let the details keep you from taking advantage of the situation. Figure out how to make it happen.

Aquarius: Finger of Yod

Like the finger of an accusing god, the planets are solidly aligned to point out what's wrong with the way you've been doing things. You can take the hints and follow the clues now, or you can wait until next month's eclipses to have their way with your wayward destiny. Like it or not, your personal evolution is once more of interest to the cosmos and the chaos behind it. Consider the karmic ledger more carefully than usual.

Pisces: Escape from Martyrdom

This week's opposition of Mercury and Pluto attempts to force completion upon uncertainties surrounding your living situation. Personal conflicts have a particularly disastrous energy hovering about them this week, and are likely get blown of out proportion. This is a good week to continue to shut up take it like a Pisces. There are better times to plan your escape from martyrdom.

Consultation Services: If you'd like a personal consultation with the man behind the mask, message the Baron's mortal vehicle at Xroadsconsultations@gmail.com for details. The Baron is also available for birthdays, weddings, funerals and orgies.

Free Monthly Zine: Download it at http://innerorder.org/NSSCancer2008.pdf or send an email to Nightskystrategies@gmail.com in order to subscribe!

COPYRIGHT ABYSSAL EPISTLES 2008

Sol in Cancer, Luna in Libra

Dear Folks,

2008-06-25T01:55:00.000-07:00

I am fine. Thanks for asking. As you can see, I have just posted the requisite amount of weekly crack.

This Mercury retrograde has taken Der Baron down a twisted set of tunnels over the last month- the fetid bowels of Myspace customer service. Password and login problems have prevented me from logging into my account for over a month. I hope that when Mercury makes it to my Moon, I will once again be presented the keys to my profile.

In the future, I will be posting weekly horoscopes on my blogger account, and so if myspace does not cooperate, you will always be able to find the scopes here.

-B

Astrology 23-29: Cut and Burn Ointment

2008-06-25T01:35:00.000-07:00

Vol. 137: Cut and Burn Ointment

The week opens onto a landscape sculpted by last week's difficult Full Moon and the end of Mercury's retrograde through Gemini. We've passed through the gates of a dramatic solstice and now stride into the fields of the season before us.

As of its Direct Station last week, Mercury has partially emerged from the astral maelstrom that sent both minds and winds swirling in disarray. The unusually strong tempests which accompanied Mercury’s retrograde through its own sign wreaked havoc in personal lives and the Midwestern United States alike. And yet even as physical winds broke loose, a certain storm has abated. Barak Obama will run for president. Reverse movement through the dividing sign of the twins marked the erasure of the divide with the democratic party. Now the problem of a conflicting pair replaced with a harmonious one. While many wonder who his Vice President will be, the media focuses on a partner they know- his wife. An echo of the Tarot Card to which the forces of Gemini are allotted- the Lovers (VI).

Speaking of the Lovers, we now find ourselves in the waning aftermath of what was, for some, a brutal Full Moon conjunct Pluto, opposing the Sun and Venus in Gemini. The Mercury retrograde and its earlier conjunction with Venus and the Sun also brought unions into question. The combinations have created atmospheric conditions ripe for brutal truth.

Mercury, no longer retrograde, looks ahead at the problems present rather than mentally back pedalling. While Mercury attempts to organize his thousand scattered thoughts into the framework of a blueprint for the next several months, Venus crosses through early Cancer, the very territory of the inner sky that Mars devastated during his difficult retrograde earlier in the year.

This week’s weather should be better than what's come before. Venus, now in tender Cancer, receives a respite from Gemini’s analytic intensity, enjoying instead the pleasures of deep union with those who have managed to stay within our inner circle through trying times.

Venus’ journey through the early degrees of Cancer this week takes her through the same degrees that Mars retrograded within from the Fall of 2007 until Mid May of 2008. And so the reconnection that Venus in Cancer tends to create stretches across the background of emotional wounds inflicted over this time. Perhaps a few wounds will be healed, or at least some comfort found in the results of difficult situations.

Horoscopes: June 23^rd- 29^th

Aries: Go To Your Room

This month’s focus on the home and where you hid your heart within it is sweetened for the next few weeks with Venus’ passage through Cancer. Complete the tasks to which you’re committed, but take it easy on the itinerary. A little down time might do wonders knitting together tender tissue torn asunder earlier this year.

Taurus: Familiar Tangle

Venus’ movement into the tidepools of the Crab bring you back to the tangle of heartstrings that tie your life together into its present shape. After a confusing period of back and forth within your mind, your state is likely to relocate to your chest cavity, where the heart of the matter abides. Old connections are a comfort and old patterns a problem. You’ll find both.

Gemini: Clockwork Mess

For the last month the furious winds which usually power your windmills have likely torn the wheels from their towers. You’ll have to re-engineer the turbines which turn your erratic mental winds into useful electricity. The mess of clockwork the period’s left has plenty to teach you about your own internal mechanics. Consider what you’ve learned as you re-write your blueprints.

Cancer: Amphibious Bosom

Happy birthday to Cancers. If your friends and family butter you up during your birthday celebration this year, don’t worry. They’re not getting ready to break open your crusty shell and scoop out the tender, juicy flesh. No, its merely the presence of Venus accompanying your Solar Return this year. Enjoy it.

For those Cancers still standing in anticipation of a birthday to come, Venus’ visit to your sign will nonetheless lay gifts and good times at your doorstep. Though its not likely to make up for Mars’ depredations in your corner of the cosmos over the last year, its something. So grab hold and snuggle it to your amphibious bosom.

Leo: Lesson Learned?

This is the last full week you will find Mars in your Sign for the next 2 years. Hopefully it has enabled you to address problems in a more courageous and straightforward manner. Being courageous and straightforward does not make you right. But it does permit you to find out if you are wrong earlier rather than later. If not, then count yourself among the majority. That’s thing about mediocrity- you’re never alone.

On an additional note, the heavens may have in store a bit of relief from the difficulties that have arisen from the unknown repeatedly throughout the last year.

Virgo: Personal Imperfections

Mercury’s recent resumption of forward motion has likely set your affairs in a forward looking direction as well. That is, assuming you haven’t completely ruined everything in the confusing weeks before. If so, now is the time to iron out said miscalculations before they become incorporated into your plans. If your personal failures become too overwhelming, consider taking solace in the comforting arms of familiar comrades. They know you’re not perfect, and they’re still willing to be seen in public with you. Just not more than once a month.

Libra: Weighing The Wind

Gusts of air over the last month have likely blown your scales about, scattering the contents you were hoping to weigh to the four winds. The calculation you were hoping to make with your balancing act was essential for the course you’d set for the coming months. This week and the next will likely see you gathering together the scattered bits of data you’ll need to come to the answers you need. Impatience and premature decisions won’t actually hurry the process.

Scorpio: Spelunk Them All

The undercurrents of invisible weather wrapping around you right now are for the most part pleasant. The Sun’s and Venus’ recent entrance into Cancer speak of your revisiting questions of personal direction and meaning brooded upon for many months this winter. This re-visitation occurs under more pleasant circumstances than those of the previous season. In your ruminations you are likely to find a small tunnel connecting your relationships and certain off-limits areas within your psyche. Spelunk them. Spelunk them all.

Sagittarius: Born of Fire

The overabundant supply of social interactions provided for you over the last month wanes considerably, as connections condense into little pearls for your perusal. Pluto’s recent retreat back into your sign is also likely to have triggered a shift in your sense of self. You may find that a certain amount of your mercyless personal drive to evolve and catalyze the same in others has returned. This may complicate some of the affairs you have constructed since the New Year by threatening to simplify them with severance.

Capricorn: A Shadow Withdrawn

The entrance of Venus and the Sun into Cancer over the last few days see you returning to social situations with which you took issue over the Fall and Winter. The emotional fabric of these tapestries has altered since then, and you will find less to dislike in the picture before you. It is also worth noting that Pluto’s dark (and tiny) majesty, has withdrawn from your sign for the time being. You may find that a certain dark intensity that had begun to emerge subsiding for the next couple months. However, mark the spot at which the shadow stood, for it will return.

Aquarius: A Little Relief

Mars and Neptune’s opposition along the Nodal axis with Chiron present last week is too tangled a skein to unwind in this short space, but let me state that last week may have marked strange moments in the evolution of personal conflicts for you. This week, Venus’ movement into Cancer heralds a measure of relief to problematic financial matters for the next few weeks. It is also a time also that one is likely to reap rewards from exercise routines undertaken or dietary regimes held to.

Pisces: Who, Where

The last month has been a season where you’ve reconsidered your home and what exactly makes it that. The confusion is clearing from your living space, but there are still conversations and considerations left before the matter is settled. Meanwhile, there are pleasant connections around for you to settle into. Though your position isn’t exactly fixed, relations with others are increasingly so.

Consultation Services: If you'd like a personal consultation with the man behind the mask, message the Baron's mortal vehicle at Xroadsconsultations@gmail.com for details. The Baron is also available for birthdays, weddings, funerals and orgies.

Educational Services: Beginning and Intermediate level Online classes in Astrology and the Tarot held every quarter. Summer quarter classes begin soon. Email Xroadsconsultations@gmail.com for details.

Free Newsletter: Send an email to Nightskystrategies@gmail.com in order to subscribe to the Baron's new online monthly mini-magazine. Issue 1 launches this week!.

COPYRIGHT ABYSSAL EPISTLES 2008

Sol in Cancer, Luna in Pisces

Astrology 19th-25th: Mental Maelstrom

2008-05-20T15:53:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer: If you do not take every word of these horoscopes with the utmost faith, you will die. Statistics bear this out. Simply scan the newspapers. You will find that an overwhelming majority of the people that die each week DID NOT read the Baron's horoscopes.

Vol. 136: Mental Maelstrom

The week opens, on Monday, with a Full Moon in Scorpio. This is the second Full Moon in Taurus/Scorpio this year. This is unusual, the astrological equivalent of a Blue Moon. The Sun in Taurus tries to stabilize shifting terrain with its solar gaze, while the Moon in Scorpio demands that the very territory owned by the gaze stays in flux. This repetition lays extra emphasis on the conflicting desire to stabilize and the evolutionary imperative to move forward.

It is interesting to note that this Full Moon in Taurus-Scorpio occurs at approximately the same degrees in the Sidereal (constellation-based) zodiac as the earlier one did in the tropical. This pair of Full Moons also places us back on a rhythm where the New Moon in each Sign takes places before the Full Moon. We’ve been dealing with the opposite for over a year now, where the Full Moon in a given sign happens before the New Moon. A subtle, but important shift to the tidal rhythms behind our time.

On the tail of Monday’s last-minute Full Moon, the Sun strides into Gemini. Mercury is already deep in the shadow of his retrograde in Gemini, and the Sun’s light is desperately needed in these clanging corridors of mind. The Sun’s movement into Gemini shifts the focus from steadying the boat to clearing the mind. As the Sun moves into Gemini, the solar energy expressed by Mars in Leo mutates. The need for self-assertion becomes increasingly tangled in the half-baked formulations of a near-retrograde Mercury.

The week begins with a Full Moon, but it ends with Venus’ entrance into Gemini, where she joins the Sun and a not-quite retrograde Mercury. Venus’ movement into Gemini adds the passionate, emotional, and deeply personal component to the mental vacillations of the soon-to-be retrograde Mercury. Venus’ movement into Gemini completes the configuration that’ll be shining down on us for the next several weeks: Mercury, the Sun, and Venus in Gemini. The Sun, representing the central focus of affairs, Mercury, carrying with it the mind, and Venus marshalling the passions and finances all move slowly towards June 8^th, when they will align within a single degree, bringing things to a head. Wait for it.

In short, we stride uncertainly from the unstable pasture of Taurus into the wild mental winds of Gemini.

Horoscopes: May 19^th-25^th

ARIES: Memory Aid

The Full Moon this Monday lays one last exclamation point on your finances before the Sun heads into Gemini. Then, on Tuesday, the Sun’s entrance into Gemini will send a spotlight to shed some light on your thought process. Once Venus heads into Gemini this weekend, it’ll be high time to let people know what they’ve been missing: You. Help them remember.

TAURUS: Unsettled Cattle

It’s been a rather dramatic month for birthday bovines. At the end of this week, Venus leaves Taurus, leaving your troubled pasture for the complicated world of Gemini. Second thoughts about everything are likely to come creeping in for the first few weeks Venus is in Gemini. Hold your ground and keep your head.

GEMINI: Identity Calculation

This week Mercury is joined by the Sun and then Venus in your Sign. As your birthday rolls around, the emphasis shifts to you. Mercury’s almost retrograde will likely find you deep in thought but short on words. You’ve likely in the midst of important and esoteric mathematical equations whose end product will be your identity. In the mean time, assign the less mathematically inclined Twin to keep your feet out of your mouth.

CANCER: Thick and Chunky Style

The planets have decided to have a giant party in the deepest reaches of your psyche, and you’re not invited. Expect what’s been pushed aside to pop into your head and other people’s mouths for the next few weeks. These little demons are stirring the cauldron of experience you’ve accumulated over the last 6 months into a hearty and edible alchemical stew. But it will take a while. And it will be horribly poisonous until its done. So keep your fingers out of the pot.

LEO: Special Note

Early this week, the Sun and Moon shine one last ray of light on important changes in the relationship between your home life and professional ventures. As the Sun and Venus enter Gemini, your focus shifts more and more heavily towards a series of negotiations and conversations with friends and fellows in familiar circles. The Baron senses big moves are afoot. Special Note: Don’t be an asshole.

VIRGO: St. Prudence the Boring

As the Sun and then Venus slip into Gemini to join a near-retrograde Mercury, the emphasis shifts solidly to your professional situation. Unresolved questions swarm it like flies around a neglected picnic. Or words around a bad metaphor. If it hasn’t been made clear by either the Baron or the world around you, you need to play it smart and conservative. Enshrine you dreams in prudence.

Libra: Lo Pan

Your directional sense continues to spin free of magnetic north. The Sun’s entry into Gemini on Tuesday will intensify the strength of your free wheeling considerations and Venus’ entrance over the weekend will toss in her emotional and financial 2 cents. Venus’ addition to the maental maelstrom will, however, pull your primary guidance system into the situation, and lend a sense of direction just before Mercury turns retrograde early next week.

Scorpio: The Wacky Arachnid Show

Another Full Moon for you, Scorpio. The bright blue beams decree that the mutations will continue. In fact, transformations of a variety of sorts will be on your mind, in your heart, and under your fingernails consistently for the next few weeks. This focus on changes contrasts with the bold and outgoing energy that has been filling your stinger since Mars moves into Leo. It is as if part of you was weaving a cocoon while another is on stage, tap-dancing.

Sagittarius: Twice as Awesome

The planets are conspiring to fill your social calendar for the next few weeks. What busy-ness has already begun will only grow as the Sun and then Venus enter Gemini this week. You’ll be having conversations with everyone’s evil twin. They’ll take turns speaking with your human half and horse’s ass. They might be able to tell the difference, but you can’t.

Capricorn: Things That Don’t Matter

Capricorn, there’s likely a pile-up of work you need to do in order to make progress in the direction you’ve chosen. Adjustments, corrections, do overs and technical problems are hovering around the coming period, like mildly frightening ghosts. You’ll be fine, as long as you don’t waste your time and energy fighting battles with things that don’t exist or that don’t matter.

Aquarius: Bright Ideas

Developing questions about lovers, life-style and creative projects find fuel as the Sun and then Venus enter Gemini this week. There are dualities emerging that suggest that decisions need to be made, but information is likely currently insufficient. Your relationships are relatively flammable right now, so be careful with your bright ideas.

Pisces: Not Drunk

The situation hovering around your home intensifies this week, as first the Sun, and then Venus roll into Gemini. Expect your foundations on both physical and emotional levels to undergo continuous renovation over the next several weeks. Just don’t expect the crew to show up on time, or not drunk.

Educational Services: Beginning and Intermediate level Online classes in Astrology and the Tarot held every quarter. Spring quarter classes begin soon. Email Xroadsconsultations@gmail.com for details.

Free Newsletter: Send an email to Nightskystrategies@gmail.com in order to subscribe to the Baron's new online monthly mini-magazine. Issue 1 launches on May 21st.

COPYRIGHT ABYSSAL EPISTLES 2008

Sol in Gemini, Luna in Sagittarius
..

DEATH FROM ABOVE,

ON THE WEEKLY

SUBSCRIBE!

Astrology12th-18th: Juggernaut Repair Service

2008-05-14T15:54:00.001-07:00

Disclaimer: If you do not take every word of these horoscopes with the utmost faith, you will die. Statistics prove it. Simply scan the newspapers. You will find that an overwhelming majority of the people that die each week DID NOT read the Baron's horoscopes.

Vol. 136: Juggernaut Repair Service

This week Mercury, now in Gemini, strides unknowingly into shadowed territory. The degrees of the zodiac and topics of conversation covered this week all have layers lying underneath them. These are areas destined for Mercury’s retrograde.

We have come through a turbulent series of large and small scale changes. The difficulties still exist but are now knowns. A new phase has begun, where we must rebuild what has fallen in the last year. But designs must match the times. There is a lot of thinking to do.

The process is two-fold. There is the question of building. This is a question of How. Then there is the question of design. This is a question of What. The reconstruction effort reflects the dual quality of the Twins. But other influences are in play. The familiar Western Zodiac is only one method of characterizing the quality of planetary influences, and a decidedly solar one, at that. To thoroughly understand the quality of this Mercury retrograde, we must look to the Lunar Mansions of Vedic Astrology, the Nakshatras.

There are 27 Nakshatras, one for each day of the Lunar Cycle. They are pinned to the sky by the solid light of the fixed stars. Each one occupies one-twenty-seventh of the Zodiac, 13 degrees and 20 minutes. They are used in Vedic Astrology to provide additional description about the character of planets, especially the Moon itself.

The reason that we must change lenses in order to examine this Mercury Retrograde is because it occurs all within one lunar mansion, stepping out of that mansion a mere degree in the next month and half. Mercury’s movement this month and the next is contained almost entirely within the Lunar Mansion of Rohini.

Rohini is one of the most fertile and productive of all Lunar Mansions. To it is attributed the power of growth. Rohini was the surrogate mother of Krishna, the embodiment of manifest divine consciousness. And so the building power of the Lunar Mansion provides the material support or “body” for consciousness. One of the symbols for this Nakshatra is the chariot, which supports, protects, and transports the conscious being within it.

Strangely, the English word “juggernaut” is derived from the very chariot associated with this Nakshatra. In the 19^th century, the British occupied India. They witnessed the yearly festival of Jagannatha, in which 50 ft chariots are constructed and paraded through the streets. These chariots house the very gods whom Rohini raised: Shiva, his brother Balarama and their sister Subadra.

Rohini, as an aspect of the divine mother, provided the material support for this triumphant trio. Therefore the symbol of her lunar mansion is the Chariot.

My Other Car Is A Chariot

There is a strange resonance between Mercury’s retrograde in Rohini and the Mars retrograde in Cancer. Within the Tarot, Cancer is assigned to Card VII, the Chariot. This is often misunderstood, as Cancer is a nurturing and supportive Sign, while the Chariot card is often associated with conquering force. However, the meaning implied by the assignment of Cancer to the Chariot is precisely the one described by Rohini’s chariot. The Chariot is a symbol of the supportive vehicle which makes the spirit triumphant. It is feminine or yin in nature, and complements or completes the yang character of the active spirit driving it. This is the “vehicle” referred to in the Lesser, Greater and Diamond Vehicle strands of Buddhism, and has a strong resonance with the Hebrew Merkabah tradition.

And so Mercury’s retrograde through these inconspicuous degrees of Gemini ties into the underlying theme that characterizes this time.

Horoscopes: May 12^th-18^th

Note on Horoscopes: 12 Fold horoscopes are a way to assess the general condition of the splayed rays of the zodiac. Although not without value, they are a blunt tool, and can only describe the archetypal activity in each power-zone. Although primarily present within only a few, each person, in reality, lives within all twelve. In order to sharpen the accuracy of statements, the Baron suggests reading the Sign the Sun is present in if you were born during the day, and reading the Moon for those of you born at night. Reading the Sign in which the Ascendant is placed is also advised.

Aries:

This week Mars’ movement through Leo continues the task of returning you to your abrasive self. Meanwhile, as Mercury drives deeper into its retrograde shadow, communications increase in volume but not necessarily in clarity. There are possibilities surrounding your work situation which won’t become clear for a few weeks to come.

Taurus:

Where the Sun’s spotlight shines, Venus’ benevolence is quick to follow. Recent streaks of luck last until the 24^th, when Venus heads on in to Gemini. And on the topic of Gemini, Mercury’s movement deeper into the shadow of its upcoming retrograde will set flies buzzing around your head about your financial situation. Give any major decisions as much time as possible before committing.

Gemini:

Mercury’s drive into the shadowed portion of its upcoming retrograde catches you in the midst of reconsidering your self-image. You might find yourself suddenly remembering some of the times where the notorious Mr. Hyde eclipsed the good Dr. Jekyll. This particular ride has a number of twists and turns before you can get off, so don’t jump to any premature conclusions.

Cancer:

Mars left your Sign last week, draining some of the poison from your cup. But the experiences and events of the last 6 months have yet to yield their full meaning. Mercury’s retrograde through Gemini over the next several weeks will help coagulate the disconnected bits into a solid mass.

Leo:

The recent rash of increased confidence and irritability extend well into the next month. Aggressive extensions into new terrain are linked to emerging networking opportunities. However, there is an obscuring cloud hanging over your relationships with other people right now. Make sure you get the facts.

Virgo:

As Mercury slips deeper into the shadow of its retrograde, the Baron hears powerful mumblings and rumblings in your professional sector. Ideas and deals coming together and pulling apart. Your pride and need for credit are inserting themselves in the equation from an invisible angle. Recognize your need to get your due.

Libra:

Your personal compass is slowly going awry as Mercury treads deeper into Retrograde territory. The looming retrograde stimulates questions about your personal direction, both geographically and philosophically. Meanwhile, Mars in Leo shines a hot light on you in the midst of gatherings.

Scorpio:

Mars’ stride into Leo lights up your professional situation, likely leaving you busy. Meanwhile, Mercury’s movement deeper into the shadow of its looming retrograde drives your mind into strange territory. Idle thoughts wander away from the tasks at hand and instead busy themselves exploring neglected corridors.

Sagittarius:

Mars movement into Leo last week may have activated an itch for travel, which is likely if financial circumstance allows. Meanwhile, Mercury moves deeper into the shadow of the retrograde to come. You’ll likely be having words with your partner(s), and should be on the lookout for miscommunications and technical difficulties at work.

Capricorn:

The not-so-bad times continue as Venus and the Sun make their way through the rest of Taurus. Meanwhile Mercury’s moves deeper into the shadow of its coming retrograde. You’re likely to get caught reconsidering your worldview, as well as getting endlessly absorbed into technical matters at work.

Aquarius:

Mars in Leo may bring you face to face with more annoying company than you’d prefer. Or maybe you’re just irritable. Meanwhile Mercury’s movement into the shadowed degrees of its upcoming retrograde will be providing you with a growing set of insights into the obstacles which have delayed your growth thus far.

Pisces:

Mercury’s movement into the shadowed degrees of its pending retrograde this week has a number of implications for you. It will likely find you re-considering your living situation in light of your relationships with other people. You’re in the midst of re-engineering your foundations on some level(s), and so don’t be surprised if you need some space.

Educational Services: Beginning and Intermediate level Online classes in Astrology and the Tarot held every quarter. Summer Classes begin in July. Email Xroadsconsultations@gmail.com for details.

Free Newsletter: Send an email to Nightskystrategies@gmail.com in order to subscribe to the Baron's new online monthly mini-magazine. Issue 1 launches on June 19th.

COPYRIGHT ABYSSAL EPISTLES 2008

Sol in Taurus, Luna in Virgo

Astrology 5th-11th: Exit Strategy

2008-05-06T00:10:00.000-07:00

Vol. 135: Exit Strategy

So here we are. For many finances have tightened and work is creating more stress than money. Saturn’s movement from Leo into Virgo last September shifted the emphasis from living with integrity to living affordably. Then in January Jupiter’s movement from Sagittarius into Capricorn transformed expanding perspectives and soaring hopes into shrunken sets of survival concerns. And in the background, Pluto’s movement from Sagittarius to Capricorn has begun to shift fears from uncatchable terrorists to unstoppable global economic changes. In the midst of these long term changes, Mars went through a disastrous retrograde in Cancer, piling personal troubles on top of difficult large scale circumstances.

And so now the Sun in Taurus shines on all this mess. This Monday the Moon aligns with the Sun once more to start the lunar cycle anew. The New Moon falls like a dark and silent seed onto the fertile soil of Taurus. This Friday sees Mars, at long last, clear the boundary of Cancer and head into Leo. Meanwhile, Jupiter goes retrograde in Capricorn. With the movement of Mars out of Cancer, we come at last to the end of a difficult and unstable period.

Jupiter Retrograde: Buried Dreams

As if Saturn passed the baton last week, Jupiter turns retrograde this Friday. Jupiter’s movement backward through Capricorn will have the character of an archeological dig. Opportunities lie lost beneath piled-up bills and forgotten behind the frantic distraction of personal drama. As Jupiter digs slowly into the earlier degrees of Capricorn the outlines of these lost lessons will become clear once more.

Mars in Cancer: Dependence and Division

At long last Mars breaks the embryonic boundary of Cancer and strides into Leo. Mars has had an extended stay in Cancer, and the patterns and problems associated with that position have become abundantly clear. As noted in Abyssal Epistles, Vol. 108: Red Leaves, Red Planet one of the primary themes for Mars in Cancer is infighting or civil war- a group divided against itself. The challenge of Mars in Cancer is complex, for it calls on a nation or family to assert itself while divided internally.

We can see how this theme of internal division has played itself out in several mundane arenas.

The “no brainer” case of internal division is, of course, the ongoing situation in Iraq, where U.S. forces continue their “Super-Glue” campaign of trying to hold together a splintered country. As fatalities continue to mount, and Mars moves into Leo, the cries for independence will certainly grow louder.

The US Presidential primary races are another excellent case of internal division. The Republican nominee, John McCain, faced tremendous initial resistance from the social conservative factions within his own party. On the Democratic end, Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama’s tight bid for the crown has exposed the rifts within the Democratic party down to a microscopic level. 46.2% of under-weight white women diagnosed with leukemia support Hillary Clinton in New Hampshire! Pundits on the major news networks talk daily about whether this division within the party will prevent it from coalescing around a candidate by November. As Mars moves into Leo, we should see the cry to elect a king (or queen) and unify only grow louder.

Another theme that the long stay of Mars in Cancer has highlighted in people’s lives is dependence. A number of people have been put in awkward positions by the events of the last 6+ months, forced into unnatural positions of support or dependence. When you inject the independent sentiments of Mars into the issue of dependence, you get unnecessary levels of resentment on both sides. This dynamic changes as Mars strides into Leo. People’s sense of independence and personal sovereignty will wake up under this position, motivating people to leave the web of unnecessarily dependent relationships that they’ve become tangled in.

Overall, the drama-meter should head steadily south over the coming months. Hallelujah.

Mars in Leo: King Me!

Mars’ movement into Leo shines a spotlight on the groups torn by internal division during Mars’ time in Cancer. After a long focus on inner conflicts, the energy turns outward, and the question will be which groups, after the trials of the last 9 months, have the strength to seize the guarded opportunities presented by Jupiter this year.

The last important planetary action in Leo was the extended retrograde of Venus during July, August and September of 2007. The archetypal character of Venus in Leo is outlined at length in Abyssal Epistles Vol. 105: Lady of Flame, where the Egyptian goddesses Bast and Sekhmet were examined as mythological models for the planetary position. It is interesting to note that an important part of each goddess’ role is King-Maker. A King Maker confirms and supports the Pharaoh, legitimizing and defending them. As Mars moves into Leo, he strides into the hot Egyptian sands that Venus left behind last year. As many silently war to stake a claim in the shifting sands of the current global situation, it may be the king-makers who truly decide. One has only to look at the Democratic candidates for president or the legend of Beowulf.

Jupiter and Pluto in Capricorn: Pyramid Scheme

And deep in the background lies Pluto. In Capricorn, Pluto takes on the empty silhouette of a mighty zigguraut, the stone personification of hierarchy. Pluto’s movement into Capricorn has heralded a period where the world’s power structure is in transition. The landscape of power is changing, and some are falling from the crumbling edifice while others are scrambling up to the next tier. Jupiter’s presence in Capricorn only emphasizes the opportunities lurking in the pyramid’s shadow.

But that’s all history, much of it yet to be written. Let’s get back to this week.

Horoscopes: May 5^th-11^th

Aries: Square One

A mighty “Huzzah!” should resound from the throats of Aries everywhere as Mars makes its way into Leo this Friday. The endless focus on deeply personal entanglements begins to abate as Mars moves out of Cancer. Mars’ movement through Leo over the next 2 months will see you slowly returning to a self you know and recognize as you learn from the mis-steps made during the last 6+ months.

Taurus: Farm Implements

After a crash landing in the pasture last week, Venus sets up camp and gets down to business sowing golden seeds in your personal fields. Although the larger kingdom may be in the midst of a difficult transition, there are good things afoot in the rich fields of Taurus this week and the next. Just don’t spend all your flax on booze and farm implements of questionable value. Happy Birthday.

Gemini: Mid-Sentence

As Mars passes into Leo this Friday, you’ve likely found some relief from lingering entrapments in questionable personal investments. But the way you make your through the world has undergone a change in the last 6 months, and you’ve got plenty of rethinking to do before you can set a course you can keep to. Let your birthday come and go before you begin making promises you intend to keep.

Cancer: Struggle Free

At long last Mars leaves your Sign. The net that has ensnared you in complicated entanglements with others begins to lift as the red planet leaves Cancer this Friday. As you struggle free of this web, the opportunities that have stayed steadily out of reach edge closer. Possibilities emerge from shadowed territory in coming months.

Leo: Squash It

There’s likely been a mosquito you can’t squash no matter how wildly you swing. You’ve heard it buzzing from somewhere in the room for months now. With Mars’ movement into Leo this Friday, the problems that have been plaguing you will either dissipate or step out into the open, where they can be crushed. Brutally.

Virgo: Revisions

Jupiter’s retrograde station this week provides a viewpoint on your earlier plotted plans for expansion. You’ll likely be designing and redesigning your professional position over the next few months. Mercury’s extended visit through Gemini will be providing a plethora of good ideas and even better revisions, so don’t jump at the first one that passes through your mind.

Libra: The Thing That Shouldn’t Be

The many-tentacled monster which has been sitting atop of your life for the last 6+ months loses some of its life-force this week. Mars’ movement out of Cancer robs this beast of the vitality necessary to sustain it outside of its native environment. Meanwhile, Venus and the Sun team up in Taurus to consider your dependence on foreign oil. Its time to solve your personal energy crisis.

Scorpio: Bait

Venus reinforcing the Sun in Taurus indicates that it is time for you to attend to your many connections. Meanwhile, Mars’ movement into Leo announces that its time to shine like the precious little star you are. Perhaps its appropriate to shift into a more extroverted and social form of petulant narcissism? They say you catch more flies with honey than vinegar, but it doesn’t have to be that demanding. Just leave out a half eaten candy bar and see what comes sniffing around.

Sagittarius: Being Right Is Better Than Being Smart

This Monday’s New Moon shifts the focus to your work and health habits. Saturn in Virgo has likely kept a strong focus on these topics since September and the coming weeks offer you a chance to refine your manufacturing methods. Mars beleaguered emergence from the stifling shell of Cancer also has positive consequences. Mars movement into Leo will reawaken your sense of independence and energize your perspective. Don’t be afraid to share! Most people don’t have the same capacity for “being right” that you do. The world desperately needs your answers- the right answers.

Capricorn: Tentacle Withdrawal

Capricorn, you look better than most right now. Saturn’s station last week may have wreaked havoc on the world, but it likely signaled you getting your shit together. This week has more good news for the Baron’s favorite chronically depressed super-villains. Mars’ delayed exit from Cancer indicates a withdrawal of disgusting tentacles from your social life. They’ll slither back into the slimy pit of your awful karma. Where they belong.

Aquarius: Back To Average

Mars’ movement out of Cancer this Friday should see issues in your workspace go back to normal levels of neglect, ineptitude and passive aggression. Thank goodness! Meanwhile Mercury in Gemini is stirring the clouds in your mental skyscape into evocative configurations. Let the ideas come and go. There will be plenty of them.

Pisces: Garbage Fire

Dearest, sweetest, wisest Pisces, it is time for a celebration. Mars leaves Cancer this week. That means that the icky passive-aggressive nonsense which has so gently enfolded your love life and poisoned your creative urges is withdrawing back into its primordial abode. Being the little love-sponge you are, you’ve likely stored up a hearty charge of poison. As Mars moves into Leo, its time to turn that poison into gasoline. Burn bright, toxic star.

Free Newsletter: Send an email to Nightskystrategies@gmail.com in order to subscribe to the Baron's new online monthly mini-magazine. Issue 1 launches on June 19th.

COPYRIGHT ABYSSAL EPISTLES 2008

Sol in Taurus, Luna in Taurus

Astrology 28th-4th: Concrete Improvements

2008-04-28T15:57:00.000-07:00

ABYSSAL EPISTLES
The Astrology of Baron Samadhi von Coppockalypse

Vol. 124: Concrete Improvements

3 big events happen this week. First, on Wednesday, Venus moves into Taurus. On Thursday, Mercury enters Gemini and after long months retrograde, Saturn stations direct. Venus’ movement into Taurus and Mercury’s entry into Gemini are both good things. The planets work well in these Signs, lending a certain dignity to communications, the affections, and the finances. Saturn’s forward movement pushes delayed plans in the right direction, but his station is often accompanied by a rash of unpleasant events in the larger world.

Venus enters Taurus on April 30^th, leaving the troubled confines of late Aries to return to the comfortable pasture of Taurus. Although Venus initially undergoes problematic aspects to Saturn and Pluto, she will journey unmolested through the bulk of Taurus, steadily improving the situation.

The key word here is “improve,” not “fix.” The help that the benefics in Earth Signs (Venus in Taurus and Jupiter in Capricorn) will provide is an analogue of the tax rebate checks that the United States Federal government will be sending out during this time period- short term help for long term problems. The real changes will be a result of deeper shifts. These are promised later in the year by the commencement of the Saturn-Uranus opposition.

Mercury streaks ahead into Gemini on the 2^nd. The Messenger is at home in the swift Sign of the Twins, and improves the general quality of thoughts and communications while he resides there. Mercury will be in Gemini for an unusual 9 weeks this year, and will be going retrograde on May 26^th and staying that way until June 21^st. As situations slowly grind their way to resolution, there is a lot of thinking and re-thinking to do. Mercury’s long stay in one of his home Signs will do precisely that.

On the same day that Mercury moves into Gemini, Saturn stations direct after months retrograde. Saturn’s direct movement will begin to push forward dormant plans and awaken people to new responsibilities. The simultaneous changes to Saturn and Mercury are linked, for while Saturn is in Virgo, it takes orders from Mercury. Virgo organizes affairs in the most rational and efficient manner, but the very thoughts that define rationality and efficiency emerge from the works of Mercury. And so the forward march of Saturn and Mercury’s extended stay in Gemini are inextricably linked.

HOROSCOPES:
April 28^th-May 4^th

Aries: The Ram

Venus’ movement into Taurus shifts the focus of your pleasure from raw being to your checkbook. Venus’ entrance into Taurus may begin with worry, but you should see your finances steadily improve as the month progresses. Meanwhile, Saturn’s direct station sees you making progress with your work situation and Mercury’s entrance into Gemini promises an extended season of heightened mental activity. Things are improving.

Taurus: The Bull

Venus’ entrance into your Sign speaks favorably about your general state for the next month. However, Venus’ initial entry into Taurus will be a troubled one, as she must face both Pluto in Capricorn and Saturn in Virgo at the same time. This indicates having to face facts about your material situation and make what may be serious changes. Across that particular electric fence lies greener fields. Happy birthday.

Gemini: The Twins

Gemini, you’ve been somewhat left out of the hot planetary action for the last few weeks. That changes this week as Mercury enters your Sign. This put you at the hub of communications, with what is usually your best foot forward. Not only that, but Mercury will be staying in Gemini for an abnormal period of time- over 2 months! Much of that time will be spent retrograde, but you likely have a lot of plans to make and unmake.

Cancer: The Crab

Venus’ movement into Taurus this Wednesday highlights your social situation. There may be difficulties encountered within social circles which hit in the midst of the week, but after that you should see the situation steadily improve over the next 4 weeks. Meanwhile Mercury’s movement into Gemini will likely find you thinking more clearly about what’s really been holding you back.

Leo: The Lion

This week’s movement of Mercury into Gemini starts a season of quick and clear thinking about your financial situation. Meanwhile, Venus’ movement into Taurus highlights your financial situation from another angle. Cutting unnecessary expenses will open the way for the improvements you’ve been considering for quite some time.

Virgo: The Virgin

Saturn’s direct station this week is significant for you, Virgo. Since Saturn’s entrance into Virgo last September, you’ve seen the ringed planet cut through many of your careful arrangements. Finally, this week, you’ll find yourself with a new plan that actually fits the circumstances you now find yourself in.

Libra: The Scales

The direct confrontations that have characterized Venus’ stay in Aries over the last month come to an end this week. Venus’ transition into Taurus steadies the scales considerably, providing you with an accounting of what needs and what you really don’t. Its time for a delayed Spring cleaning. Meanwhile, Saturn’s direct station sees your bold exploration into all the details you’ve filed away in the basement wax in importance once more.

Scorpio: The Scorpion

As Venus’ moves into Taurus this week, the spotlight strolls onto the status of your relationships, or lack thereof. There’s been a certain lack of social opportunity for the last several months, but that’s getting ready to change. After an initial crash landing in Taurus in the middle of the week, Venus should start opening social doorways for you over the next month.

Sagittarius: The Archer

Saturn’s direct station this week will likely resound throughout your professional sphere. The details of your duties will be dictated loud and clear for the first time in a while. Although there may be initial difficulties, your work situation looks to improve steadily over the next month. Meanwhile Mercury’s movement into Gemini will turn up the volume in your relationships. Conversations are coming, whether you like it or not.

Capricorn: The Goat

Saturn’s direct station this week finds you ready to really move forward. The months of adjustments and recalculations culminate into another fine plan for world domination. Although it might be a little rocky this week, Venus’ entrance into Taurus kicks off a month of fine times, and possibly fine dining.

Aquarius: The Water Bearer

Aquarius, your mutating appreciation for the details of your arrangements reaches an important point as Saturn stations direct this week. Mercury’s entrance into Gemini marks the beginning of an extremely creative season for you. If you’ve had blueprints that you’ve been unable to articulate, you’re likely to soon find the words falling out of your mouth.

Pisces: The Fishes

Mercury’s movement into Gemini indicates that you are going to be a much more mobile fishy in the coming months. Discussions around and about home abound. Saturn’s direct station in Virgo this week will give you a clear idea of the social lessons you’ve yet to learn in order to make the most of this period. Meanwhile, Venus’ movement into Taurus kicks off a period where you will see benefits that come from an extended social network.

Free Newsletter: Send an email to Nightskystrategies@gmail.com in order to subscribe to the Baron's new online monthly mini-magazine. Issue 1 launches on May19th.

COPYRIGHT ABYSSAL EPISTLES 2008

Sol in Taurus, Luna in Aquarius

Astrology 11th-17th: A Box of "Chocolates"

2008-02-14T15:50:00.001-08:00

Disclaimer: If you do not take every word of these horoscopes with the utmost faith, you will die. Statistics bear this out. Simply scan the newspapers. You will find that an overwhelming majority of the people that die each week DID NOT read the Baron's horoscopes.

Vol. 122: A Box of "Chocolates"

This week sits between last week's interesting solar eclipse and the multiple celestial events surrounding next week's lunar one. Between the clashing rocks of the eclipses and the grinding teeth of planetary gears, we find Valentine's Day.

Horoscopes:

Romantic Forecast '08

Note on Horoscopes: 12 Fold horoscopes are a way to assess the general condition of the splayed rays of the zodiac. Although not without value, they are a blunt tool, and can only describe the archetypal activity in each power-zone. In order to sharpen the accuracy of the horoscopes, read your Sun Sign if you were born in the day-time, and read your Moon Sign if you were born at night. Reading the Sign in which the Ascendant is placed is also advised.

Technical Notes for Astrology Nerds: The following are based primarily on an examination of the 5^th and 7^th Solar Houses.

Aries: The Ram

Ah, Aries. You may find that this year your idea of a good time has a sprung a leak. The South Node's slow back and forth through Leo this year (and next) will act like a slow eraser, smudging and then removing old ideas about love. Its like burning down a patch of grass in order to plant roses. Lovely idea, but it might look like scorched earth for a while.

Taurus: The Bull

Taurus, you'll likely find your concept of romance discovering detailed requirements you didn't know existed. Saturn's influence may also push you towards a dogmatic adherence to these structures. These may very well make your objects of affection feel caged, or keep them away all together. There's a difference between standards and processing plants.

Gemini: The Twins

With Mars' recent station in Gemini, you're likely still on the brink of major change in what you want out of relationships, as well as how you play the role of man, woman, or whatever you happen to be. Pluto's movement out of Sagittarius will seem to lift a great burden from your life. That particular burden is an attraction to psychopaths. However, Pluto dips back into Sagittarius to disrupt your partnerships for another 6 months in early June. After that, your love life should see a significant reduction in the number of psychopaths present.

Cancer: The Crab

Cancer, your love life is the most likely to get complicated this year. Mars movement through your sign during the Fall and its subsequent return the same territory throughout March and April will see you making some serious changes to the way that you approach sex, as well as your own gender role. Pluto's ingress into Capricorn marks the beginning of an era marked by a powerful increase in intensity. You'll get a taste of this until Pluto returns to Sagittarius until November, when Pluto comes into Capricorn to make his residence for well over a decade.

Leo: The Lion

Leo benefits from the movement of Pluto out of the Sagittarius and into Capricorn. This particular configuration takes the soul-felching intensity out of your love affairs. Look to see the beginnings of this type of change in the next few months, with a reversion back to soul-felching in early June when Pluto slips back into Sagittarius. Pluto's triumphant return to Capricorn in November '08 will mark the end of this old era.Neptune's presence in Aquarius throughout 2008 will continue the current pattern of idealized partnership.

Virgo: The Virgin

Dearest Virgo, Uranus' presence in Pisces during this year predisposes you to attract the genius, the eccentric, the exception and the mentally unstable. If you want to keep any of the weirdos you seem to be attracting, make sure to take it easy with Saturn in Virgo shears. They're just not going to fit in your box (pun intended.) Pluto's ingress into Capricorn is the beginning of a long term period of intense change within you concept and practice of love. Its slow to start, and won't be at full strength until nearly November.

Libra: The Scales

Libra, the skies will are relatively clear of interference this year. Problems with partnerships encountered in early 2008 should smooth out as Winter turns to Spring in the Northern hemisphere. Neptune's continuing presence in Aquarius will continue to over-idealized notions of love for the coming year and a few to follow, but this influence is nothing new, nor is it any great cause for concern.

Scorpio: The Scorpion

Scorpio, this year does not differ terribly from the last. Uranus, still in Pisces, suggests that your experimental attitude towards love won't disappear any time soon. Sudden connections alternating with periods of isolated independence should continue to characterize your love life. As the year grows older, however, the growing opposition between Saturn and Uranus may see you engaged in issues about how to structure intense but chaotic affairs.

Sagittarius: The Archer

Mars has tattooed a pattern of conflict into your relationships with his recent station. This particular stencil is likely in the midst of being factored into your attitude towards love in general. It will likely make for a rocky winter but things should get sorted one way or another by mid Spring. Its also important to note that although Pluto has left your Sign as of now, it will return for a brief stay in early June until November. This final audience with the dark king will have you dealing with the control and trust issues likely interfering with sweet things right now.

Capricorn: The Goat

Mars' movement through Cancer this Fall likely ignited conflicts within your relationships. His movement back through Cancer this March and April will see you revisiting and possibly mending wounds incurred this Fall. Even though Mars will clear Cancer in May, his retrograde has left an imprint in the relationship sector of your life. Understated conflicts about personal space may be a theme you'll need to work through this year. Although these themes may be present, Jupiter will have your back for the entire year, and your presence is likely to be seen in grander terms than at other times. Grand isn't ideal for those who favor the more subtle approach, but its better than pathetic, right?

Aquarius: The Water-Bearer

Aquarius, this may not be your finest year for love. Mars has stenciled a set of conflicts into the good-times part of your life, and the Node's dark pull has begun to draw energy away from your relationships in order to inflate you. This is not a death sentence, but it does put relationships in the karmic cross-hairs for the rest of the year. There are wrinkly issues to be ironed out.

Pisces: The Fish

Ah, Pisces. This year holds special challenges to your love life. Partnerships are likely to hold a serious element that you cannot ignore. Boundaries must be set and agreements made. This at a time when you're seeing an extremely independent side of yourself. Yes, the rules of the relationship and your sense of individuality will certainly find themselves in serious discussion this year, especially later in the year as Saturn and Uranus approach an opposition. In addition, Mars in Cancer presented important challenges to your idea of good times this Fall. Those, issues, most likely concerning personal space and dependence, will be revisited during March and April before being left behind.

Services: If you'd like a personal consultation with the man behind the mask, message the Baron's mortal vehicle at Xroadsconsultations@gmail.com. The Baron is also available for birthdays, weddings, funerals and orgies.

COPYRIGHT ABYSSAL EPISTLES 2008
Sol in Aquarius, Luna in Aries

The Year of the Rat

2008-02-07T19:27:00.000-08:00

The Year of the Rat

Having seen civilizations great and small rise majestically and then inevitably fall, the Baron is inherently multi-cultural. On that note, Chinese New Year is coming up. It is celebrated just after the second New Moon of the year following the Winter Solstice. This year it's on Thursday the 8th, andyou can bet the Baron will be knee-deep in dim sum before the sun goes down.

Being unable to stand the masses' pitiful ignorance, the following is a brief offering on the nature of a holidate that well over a billion people celebrate.

Comparative Pop-Astrology

Although most people in English speaking countries are aware of their Sun-sign ("I'm a Taurus and I'm lazy!"), Western Astrology does not have a popular, accessible method of assessing the basic nature of a year. Though popular methods are limited to sometimes-tragic oversimplifications (Not EVERY Aries is an offensively spunky go-getter, just the ones you know), these simpler methods are not without value. In addition to their own validity, they may provide gateways to more in-depth astrological calculations.

Chinese Astrology also has a 12-part zodiac. Unlike Western Astrology, the Zodiac in Chinese astrology is most popularly applied to a 12-year cycle, rather than one of 12 months. The Sign in the Chinese Zodiac describes both the people born in that year as well as the quality of the year itself.

The Year Star

Though this information is often mysterious absent, the application of Chinese Zodiac to a 12-year cycle is not arbitrary. It is, in fact, based on the approximate position of Jupiter, which has a nearly perfect 12-year cycle.

Because of the numerous parallels between the Sun and Jupiter, it's interesting that each is used in a system of popular astrology to describe the simplified essence of a time period. Both represent the celestial bodies the 12-fold zodiac cycle fits best, the Sun having a 12-month cycle, and Jupiter having 12 year one. Or, to put it another way, a 12 Sun cycle.

The Sign of the Sun in Western Astrology indicates the quality of the individual self, manifest in life, works, and love. It reveals qualities of ego, identity, and higher spiritual purpose. It is the heart, the center around which the rest of the chart hangs.

The meaning of Jupiter is similar to that of the Sun, but, like its cycle in time, it occurs on a larger scale. Jupiter, the largest of the planets and the first one past the asteroid's scattered fencing, serves to connect what is special about the individual (the Sun) with the social collective they are born into. Jupiter is about finding the place where an individual's talents are nurtured, and, in turn, nurture the society which mothers them. It aims at cohesion between the micro- and macrocosm, the self and world, and is represented in Chinese thought as being of the Wood element. Its energy is that of organic growth and expansion.

It is because Jupiter maintains its position for nearly 1 year that Chinese pop-astrology can say that people born within the same year share certain characteristics.

A system of pop-astrology must be simplified enough for the layman or woman to grasp its dynamics. The point the system is simplified down is interesting in and of itself, as it reveals some of the culture's general orientation. The individualistic West simplifies Astrology down to the Sun- the seat of identity in a chart- while more collectively minded China reduces their astrology down to Jupiter, a planet whose concerns are more collective, and which sweeps a year's crop into the same bin. Its also interesting to note that in India, pop-astrology is concerned primarily with one's Moon Sign, and which of the 27 Lunar Mansions, or Nakshatras, it resides within. The Baron's a Rohini. Now you know.

Time: Planetary Cycles vs. Ideal Divisions

And so the Years of the Chinese Zodiac use Jupiter's cycle in order to anchor them. Jupiter will be in the Chinese Sign of the Rat for most of 2008, but there are years where Jupiter is not technically in the Sign of the Year when that Year begins, and may slip out of it during that year.

This is because Chinese Astrology utilizes an idealized notion of time drawn from and confirmed by celestial cycles, but not entirely dependent on it. A similar type of idealized time structure can be found in Western Astrology in the use of the Planetary Days. In use since ancient times, each day of the week is assigned a planet whose energy is said to pervade it. This is not based on any observable connection between the planets and the days of the week, but has none the less stuck around for thousands of years and presumably vindicated itself in practice. In fact, the names of days of the week in English directly reference Gods and Goddess whose quality reflects the character of the planet that they are attributed to.

Archetypal Arithmetic

Now, in addition to the 12 Year cycle, each of the 12 years is thought to manifest in the mode of one of the Chinese elements, or phases of energy- The Wu-Xing. They are Wood, Fire, Earth, Metal, and Water. Similar to the Greek concepts of the 4 elements, the 5 elements are often used in Indian, Tibetan, Chinese, Thai, and Japanese thought. Each Elemental mode persists for 2 years, manifesting sequentially in a Yang and then Yin phase.

These pairings are expressed by using a color to represent the element, and an Animal. The pairing of a cycle of 5 and a cycle of 12 makes for a total cycle of 60 years, considered very important in Chinese Astrology. A 60-year cycle is interesting, because it roughly equivalent to the time it takes for Jupiter and Saturn to come back around into the same relative positions.

The Yellow Rat

The Chinese year inaugurated on the 8^th is the year of the Earth Rat, also called the "Yellow Rat". This configuration is also referred to as the "Rat on a Crossbeam."

Taken as an image, an idea, the year of the "Earth Rat" is quite interesting in light of the various planetary positions that will be present through-out the year.

Earth Rat, Earth Star

"Earth Rat"- the cunning, bravery and caution of the Rat directed towards earthly or material affairs. If we are the Rats, then Saturn in Virgo must be our maze. Saturn is known in Chinese astrology as the "Earth Star," and it is a role that Western astrologers are quite familiar with. More than any other Planet, Saturn describes the structures that we scamper within. In the Tarot, Saturn is given XXI The World, the backdrop against which the Fool's adventure's find meaning.

"...I'm Still Just A Rat In A Maze"

In Virgo since September, Saturn has enacted a somewhat brutal change of scenery. The transition from star-powered and overhyped Leo to down-to-earth (and below) Virgo has shattered a number of egos (and markets), and will shatter more before its down. Saturn in Leo recognizes that all world's a stage, and is determined to put on a good show. But with Saturn in Virgo, the scene is a different one. The sets that Saturn in Virgo erects are the type of drama that occurs in the doctors office, college classes, or in the form of a termination letter from your boss. Saturn in Virgo sets us up to analyze our oppurtunities and potential pitfalls in detail, and is willing to marshall misfortune in order to point out cracks in these critiques.

In order to get through this particular maze, we'll need to be cunning, brave, and cautious. An attention to detail in general, with a specific focus on habits as they pertain to health, finances and information is key. Brute strength of person or persona is not the way here. You'll just tire your self out trying to take down the walls, or your opponents. Maintain yourself, find the cheese, and find the exit.
One only has to take a brief look at the state of the United States' pre-presidential races to see the would-be candidates scampering after electoral votes like mice after Cheez-Its. Indeed, with the state of the economy, the candidates won't be the only ones scampering after little valuable bits this year, as we all fight to bring home enough cheese to feed the ratlings and pay our car and health insurance.

Once You Go Cross-Cultural...

The Rat also holds an important place in the Indian pantheon. Chubby and lovable Ganesh, the elephant-headed little Babar of the subcontinent, has as his mighty steed is a rat. Ganesh is often petitioned to remove obstacles, or provide a way around them, as his humble steed, the Rat can negotiate confusing and difficult situations that mightier but simpler animals, like a horse, could never manuever through. So as you work your way through the maze of the year, pause to consider Ganesh and his unassuming but effective choice of vehicle.

Astrology 4th-10th: Old Sun, New Moon

2008-02-07T19:24:00.000-08:00

Vol. 121: Old Sun, New Moon

This week's celestial events center around the New Moon in Aquarius, which occurs late this Wednesday. Although the beginning of every lunar cycle is something to take note of, this week's lunation holds a number of distinctions. First, it is a solar eclipse, although one that will only be seen by residents of Antartica. Second, it is marks the Chinese New Year, a holidate celebrated by billions of people. And third, the New Moon occurs on top of a retrograde Mercury and as well as slow moving Chiron in Aquarius, packing it with extra meaning.

Cold Sky

The Solar Eclipse occurs on Wednesday night over cold fields of the Antarctic. Although viewers may be disappointed to miss out on the spectacle of the dark sun, it may very well be for the best. Astrologers of many cultures have come to a similar conclusion regarding the intrusion of the black sun into the daylight sky- it's no good. Forecasters of all varieties predict that the literal darkness of the sun will be followed by a metaphorical darkness in human affairs in the 6 months that follow it. Such was the case for Chile, over which the Solar Eclipse of September sparkled darkly, and then was subsequently smitten with a series of serious earthquakes a few months later. And so perhaps it is best that the dark sun shines only over cold plains of ice.

The Moon's Two Sons

Like every New Moon, each eclipse is worth noting, but this one holds a special distinction of its own. It marks the movement of the Eclipse cycle out of the Pisces-Virgo axis and into the realms of Leo and Aquarius. Virgos and Pisces can heave a slight sigh of relief while Leos and Aquarians are advised to pause for consideration. The movement of the Moon's North and South Nodes, the Eclipse markers, through the terrain of a Sign brings the forces of karma more directly to bear on the zodiacal terrain they traverse.

This cycle sees the North Node in Aquarius and the South Node in Leo. The Nodes' provide an entry to a vast cavern of meanings whose turning tunnels often obscure their relatively simple action. The North Node favors material matters but tends to diminish consciousness in the area that it invades. The South Node, on the other hand, tends to diminish materialization but boost consciousness. In a simple sense, the North Node enriches while the South Node purifies.

In Leo, the South Node eats away at identity. It signals the beginning of a period where works based upon strength of identity alone will be beset with numerous difficulties. The South Node eats away at the structure of identity, converting it back into the raw stuff of self, from which a thousand expressions may issue. It is a prelude to personal rebirth. As the South Node eats through the structure of our identity, the North Node in Aquarius deposits that freed up energy into social concerns on a much broader scale.

This particular turn of the wheel is of especial concern for those born with the Nodal Axis on the Leo-Aquarius axis. This Nodal Return is for you.

Chinese New Year

The annual celebration of the New Year according to the Chinese calendar, takes just after the 2^nd New Moon following the Northern Hemisphere's Winter Solstice. This Friday inaugurates the Year of the Rat. Specifically, it is the Yellow Rat- the "Rat on a Crossbeam." Look for a special supplement on the mechanics and indications of the Chinese New Year later in the week.

Mercury Retrograde, Chiron, and Associates

This inaugural Solar eclipse is not only distinguished by the factors mentioned above, but is also interesting by virtue of the 4 way conjunction of the Sun, Moon, retrograde Mercury, and creeping Chiron.

Mercury retrograde's conjunction with the Sun is the point at which our inverted thought processes approach the heart of the issue at hand. It is not the point of resolution, but the point at which the issue(s) become clear. This tri yearly event happens directly on top of the Centaur Chiron, a planetoid roaming our solar system in the empty range between the orbits of Saturn and Uranus. Although not one of the planets proper, Chiron, like Pluto, has demonstrable effects on a life. Chiron exposes the tend'rest flesh our minds have to offer, pointing to areas that desperately need greater care.

In Aquarius, it is the inability to belong to a group, and the subsequent feelings of isolation and rejection that we're dealing with. The Sun, Moon, and retrograde Mercury's conjunction atop this sore point indicate the next lunar cycle will deal especially with these wounded areas, with a focus on learning to articulate one's feelings of rejection and exclusion.

Horoscopes: February 4th-10th

Note on Horoscopes: 12 Fold horoscopes are a way to assess the general condition of the splayed rays of the zodiac. Although not without value, they are a blunt tool, and can only describe the archetypal activity in each power-zone. In order to sharpen the accuracy of the horoscopes, read your Sun Sign if you were born in the day-time, and read your Moon Sign if you were born at night. Reading the Sign in which the Ascendant is placed is also advised.

Aries: The Ram

The wheels of the year are grinding out some interesting professional developments for Aries. Lots of work and important networking to do. This extra-special New Moon in Aquarius throws a long term light on your relationships to groups and membership within them. Addressing miscommunications in this area is key to getting your war machine back on track after a season of being sidelined.

Taurus: The Bull

Taurus, this New Moon sets the stage for you to begin some serious rethinking of your professional situation. The Sun and Moon align to shine an invisible light on the unspoken words that have veiled the old wounds you're still hurting from at work. The coming weeks will see this insight for the seed of serious change that it is.

Gemini: The Twins

My friends the Geminis are always the ones who suffer most from the triannual retrograde of Mercury. With the recent Mars station in your Sign, the temptation to act like a crazy asshole is even greater than normal. The New Moon this week will concentrate your easily scattered motes of mind onto a set of deep questions about your direction in life. These questions, though painful, will most likely lead to soothing solutions.

Cancer: The Crab

Cancer, this New Moon shines its non-light onto already invisible areas of your life, illuminating secret matters and your connection to what stirs just beyond the current limits of your perception. The gravity of secrets may draw you into your own subconscious or deep into the affairs of others. Either way, there is a wound to address, a small abyss to stitch together.

Leo: The Lion

Leo, the New Moon this week speaks strongly about your relationships, casting a strong ray into this area of your life. The presence of Chiron indicates a wound in these affairs, a wound covered with silences, unveiled with words. This New Moon and an unseen eclipse kicks off a year and half period where the undertow will pull you away from yourself but closer to right relation to others.

Virgo: The Virgin

Virgo, the New Moon this week speaks directly to your work situation. Always the popular topic with Virgo, Saturn in your Sign emphasizes it, and the New Moon this week speaks small volumes about it. Highlighted is your relationship to what you're doing on a daily and hourly basis, as well as your communications with your coworkers. There's a sore spot somewhere in there that's likely to need treatment in the next few weeks.

Libra: The Scales

The New Moon that occurs this week will likely see you seriously re-considering your lifestyle. The two topics on the scales are pleasure, on one hand, and the need for healing on the other. Premature conclusions in this matter may lead to a desire to make rash changes in your lifestyle. Give it time and let the scales do their work.

Scorpio: The Scorpion

The New Moon this week highlights the shifting ground beneath your feet. You may find yourself floating for a bit, not certain where sure footing is. This question of position may take a few weeks to work itself out. It is entangled with a need for communication with those connected to your platform.

Sagittarius: The Archer

The events of this week's New Moon locate themselves primarily within your local social circle. Lacking communications and/or abundant miscommunications likely conceal a small rift between you and your crew. Carefully navigated discussions and thoughtful observations on the situation are the tools you can use to prevent open hostilities.

Capricorn: The Goat

This week's New Moon will dispense its energies into the area of your psyche concerned with value. Although values do not always translate into valuables, its likely that there's a conversation about account pending. This focus on value and values, whether it involves objects or not, connects to a question of personal worth that you'll ponder on and off in the coming weeks.

Aquarius: The Water Bearer

Aquarius, the planetary pile-up occurring on the New Moon this week happens right in your front yard. It's likely you've left important issues under communicated, leaving you more disconnected to certain situations than you ought. It's time to carefully remove the veils from your message. The eclipse that occurs on this New Moon initiates a new period for you, where your priorities will slowly shift from relationships to a growing focus on yourself. This new period will see you seeing yourself in the mirror rather than through other's eyes.

Pisces: The Fishes

Pisces, this alignment of the New Moon, retrograde Mercury and Chiron in Aquarius does not bode particularly well for you. There are a number of forces impeding easy progress right now. Although the difficulty of the situation will erode before the end of the month, the first few weeks of the coming lunar cycle are likely to hold a few annoying surprises. Keep treading water and you'll find yourself downstream from difficulties in a few weeks.

Services: If you'd like a personal consultation with the man behind the mask, message the Baron's mortal vehicle at Xroadsconsultations@gmail.com. The Baron is also available for birthdays, weddings, funerals and orgies.

COPYRIGHT ABYSSAL EPISTLES 2008
Sol in Aquarius, Luna in Capricorn

Astrology Dec. 17th-23rd: Solomon's Mine

2007-12-17T16:16:00.001-08:00

ABYSSAL EPISTLES
The Astrology of Baron Samadhi von Coppockalypse, Ph.D

Vol. 118: Solomon’s Mine

This week sees 2 important markers come to pass. The first is the annual winter solstice, which occurs on the 22^nd. The other is the yearly movement of Jupiter into a new sign. On Tuesday, the 18^th, Jupiter enters Capricorn, where the big planet will remain until early 2009. But before examining the essential nature of Jupiter in Capricorn, it is important to consider the difference between Jupiter in Sagittarius and Capricorn.

Jupiter’s Transition

Jupiter is powerful and comfortable in Sagittarius, one of the Signs Jupiter is said to rule. In Sagittarius, Jupiter inspires tremendous faith and reveals the raw power of belief. Here Jupiter inflates expectations and expands perspectives. He unlocks possibilities that are only possible by the belief in their possibility. Jupiter’s presence in Sagittarius is considered to be a positive force active throughout the entire year that he is in the sign. The ballooned popularity of the popular “belief-magic” system, “The Secret” in 2007 is an example of Jupiter’s work.

In Capricorn, Jupiter will show a very different face. Whereas Jupiter in Sagittarius provides abundant opportunities to expand one’s beliefs, Jupiter in Capricorn shifts the focus rather drastically earthwards, concentrating on creating material evidence for one’s perspective.

Because Capricorn is in Saturn’s domain, much of the growth which Jupiter provides will come as a result of cutting away what is inessential and organizing what remains. This provides a classic formula: growth through limitation, expansion through contraction. Rewards are possible, but will likely be delayed. Jupiter in Capricorn favors careful, responsible growth, especially that growth that comes as a result of taking on the challenge of greater organization and responsibility.

Wherever he treads on the wheel of the skies, Jupiter stimulates spiritual and religious growth. While in Capricorn, Jupiter will provide energy for those creeds which are conservative and established or very concerned with the material world. Evangelical fundamentalists and Satanists should both have a good year.

Demands of the Real

While Jupiter in Sagittarius encouraged people to follow the possibilities of what they believed in, Jupiter in Capricorn encourages those with vision to build the great earthy bones that will support what they have seen. This sounds fine and dandy until one considers what happens when vision becomes empire. Poor Jesus must have a lengthy commentary on the subject. What exists in vision and belief is pure- it has had to make none of the compromises necessary for manifestation. And yet it is that very possibility of manifestation that makes vision such a tantalizing thing.

In order to manifest something divine, one has to deal with the less-than-divine forces of the material world. Visualization’s great, but nothing substantial was ever built without organization, effort, and a willingness to get one’s hand’s dirty.

Solomon’s Art

The Vedic astrologers refer to Jupiter as “Guru,” which means, roughly, “spiritual teacher.” And so it is helpful when we are trying to understand Jupiter’s work in a particular sign to ask ourselves who the new Guru is? Jupiter in Capricorn is a more severe teacher than Jupiter in Sagittarius.

One is reminded of the stories of Solomon the King, a biblical patriarch around whom a host of stories swirl. Solomon was a magician and the builder of a great temple. And how did this pillar of holiness construct his temple? With the hands of angels, the gossamer touch of ethereal wings? No. King Solomon called on the service of the spirits of the material world, demons to the Hebrews. One by one, he bound them to the task of constructing his temple. And this is important. He bound them to what he considered a holy task. He did not bind himself to a materialistic task, but instead bound materialistic forces to a spiritual task. Nice work. To this day, there is an entire branch of the occult focuses on this task, with Solomon as the key figure.

If we take Solomon as our teacher for the year that Jupiter is in Capricorn, then what is he here to teach? Clearly, he’s here to help us get our demons organized, obedient, and ready to lay foundations. Although having an army of demons sounds sweet, a brief moment of meditation on the subject makes it clear that problems abound. Those powerful forces of the material world and our own lower natures are the key to presence in the real world, and yet each offers a powerful distraction to the very purpose which would task them. When doing this type of work it is easy to let the process of manifestation eclipse the ideals which prompted the task in the first place.

It is also difficult because the very forces one needs to make one’s vision real tend to contradict the nature of that vision. For the pure of heart , there is a tendency to shy away from dealing with such forces. Between being afraid to involve such things in one’s vision and being led off one’s original path, the lessons and training program that Jupiter in Capricorn presents are not easy nor are they consequence-free.

Horoscopes: Jupiter In Capricorn

Note on Horoscopes: 12 Fold horoscopes are a way to assess the general condition of the splayed rays of the zodiac. Although not without value, they are a blunt tool, and can only describe the archetypal activity in each power-zone. In order to sharpen the accuracy of the horoscopes, read your Sun Sign if you were born in the day-time, and read your Moon Sign if you were born at night. Reading the Sign in which the Ascendant is placed is also advised.

Aries: The Ram

Aries, the personal demons that Jupiter in Capricorn will have you wrangling for the next year are professional ones. You’ll be learning to take what you know and organize it into something more professionally viable. Refining your work habits and methods is the key to getting the most out of Jupiter’s passage through Capricorn.

Taurus: The Bull

For you, Taurus, Jupiter in Capricorn is likely to have a powerful impact on your personal philosophy. You’ll be stimulated to deal with powerful life questions whose outcomes will change the social circles you move through as well as helping to better define your relationship to occult forces. The key to unlocking these changes is refining the structure of your life-style.

Gemini: The Twins

For you Gemini, Jupiter in Capricorn shine a light into the taboo parts of society for you, as well as what’s off-limits in your own mind. These decidedly dark spheres are host to the demons Jupiter will have you confronting this year. Successful confrontations will result in benefits to both your career and relationships. The key to negotiating this period most masterfully is an ongoing analysis of your emotional limitations.

Cancer: The Crab

For you, Cancer, Jupiter in Capricorn will likely bring you face to face with people holding the very type of wisdom described above. You’ll also be given a number of lessons in how to strategically manage your relationships over the next year. Lessons learned are likely to go on to benefit your overall view on life as well as your work habits and physical health. The key to getting the most out of the coming period is in recognizing the limitations in the way that you communicate and working on it.

Leo: The Lion

For you, Leo, Jupiter will be providing a vision of the demons running loose in your workplace and your own work habits. You’ll be learning how you’re contributing to the chaos, as well as how to keep troublesome employees on task. The key is in looking at the way you handle money and the concept of value, in general. Lessons learned in this area will go on to benefit your lifestyle as well as putting you more in tune with the hidden energies in your life.

Virgo: The Virgin

Virgo, it’s your lifestyle that’s got demons running amuck. This year Jupiter will be teaching you how to make sure they’re working for you and not vice versa. The key to this work is looking realistically at yourself, acknowledging your own limitations and working beyond them. Lessons learned are poised to powerfully benefit both your relationships and home life.

Libra: The Scales

Libra, the demonic forces you’re going to learn how to keep under control this year are mucking in your home town, and its quite likely they know every member of your family. A key to this task lies in the structure of your own subconscious. By understanding how personal scripts are written, you’ll be in the position to edit them. Lessons learned will end up benefiting your physical health, work habits and communication skills.

Scorpio: The Scorpion

Scorpio, the demons you’ll be confronted with this year are thronging about in your circle of friends, regular contacts, as well as hiding inside your own communication skills. The key to keeping them under control and on task comes from understanding the social mechanics that make groups tick. Successful subjugation of personal demons will benefit your finances and life style.

Sagittarius: The Archer

Sag, the demons you’ll learn to wrangle this year are in your bank account as well as in your personal set of values. The key to putting these demons to work can be found by understanding the structure of your professional situation better. Lessons learned will make you more comfortable with your changing position.

Capricorn: The Goat

Capricorn, YOU are the demon you’ll be learning how to control this year. The key to keeping yourself on the path of your choosing comes from recognizing the limits of your personal philosophy and moving beyond it. Besides benefiting as a being, you’ll also see your local circle of acquaintances expand.

Aquarius: The Water Bearer

Aquarius, the demons you’ll be learning to get in line are…well, they’re your own inner demons. The same ones you’ve always had. The key to getting those bastards in line for the next year is in an exploration of your own taboos. You marked certain areas off-limits, and its those barriers which are holding you back from making important changes. Lessons learned will go on to benefit your bank account as well as expand your circle of acquaintances.

Pisces: The Fishes

Pisces, the demons you’ll be marshalling over the coming year are your friends. Yes, you’ll be dealing with the unruly power present in those that you know. The key to getting the most out of this period lies in understanding the structure of your interactions. Recognize the limitations in the way that you relate and then move beyond them. You’ll benefit personally from lessons learned in this area and your career will like it, too.

COPYRIGHT ABYSSAL EPISTLES 2007

Sol in Sagittarius , Luna in Aries

Astrology Dec. 10th-16th: Empires' Tide

2007-12-13T07:32:00.000-08:00

ABYSSAL EPISTLES
The Astrology of Baron Samadhi von Coppockalypse, Ph.D

Volume 117: Empires' Tide

This week, we take a break from our focus on the personal implications of the planet's positions to consider something on a larger scale. This Tuesday hosts the conjunction of Jupiter with Pluto in Sagittarius. This rare event occurs only once every 250 years or so. Jupiter's conjunction with Pluto in Sagittarius is attuned to the life cycles of the collective, and marks a decisive shift in the currents of world history.

When Mars stationed retrograde last month, there were earthquakes and typhoons within the very day. Although it may color the day, the Jupiter-Pluto conjunction in Sag is a historical marker, not simply a single or quick string of events. Each time it occurs, the form of world power begins to shift. An empire, representing a type of power, starts to decay while another, representing the new form of power begins to rise. A quick look at the outlines of Western history during the last 3 of these conjunctions will make the pattern clear.

Jupiter-Pluto conjunction in Sagittarius, 1260 AD:

In 1260, the Mongol Empire began its decline, facing its first decisive defeat by the Mamluks, at Ain Jalut in Palestine. Kublai Khan succeeds mighty Ghenghis Khan, and presides over the Mongol's waning years. Meanwhile, in Europe, the rising hegemony of the Church is marked by the completion of the Cathedral at Chartres, an achievement that took decades to complete. Construction on 3 more cathedral projects begins soon after. These cathedrals marks the growing power of the Church as the dominant force which binds all of Europe. Papal hegemony up, Mongols down!

Jupiter-Pluto conjunction in Sagittarius, 1509 AD:

The next conjunction of Jupiter and Pluto in Sagittarius happens in 1509. Just as 1260 marked the hegemony of papal power with the Cathedral at Chartres and the decline of the Mongol threat, 1509 hosts 2 events which mark the end of Church ascendancy in Europe. The first is the coronation of England's notorious Henry the VIII. Henry the VIII was the first European monarch who broke from Vatican power and established state control of religion. The Church of England, the first successful large scale revolt against Rome and is considered to have paved the way for the Reformation. It is also interesting to note that Erasmus' Praise of Folly was also written in 1509. Praise of Folly was a wildly popular satire of the Church considered to be one of the seeds of the Reformation. European Papal power, which was on the rise during the last Jupiter-Pluto conjunction in Sagittarius, now gives way to the sovereignty of the European nations, who spend the next several centuries in ruthless pursuit of every part of the world they can get their hands on. Dueling Monarchies up, Papal power down!

Jupiter-Pluto conjunction in Sagittarius, 1758 AD:

1758 is smack dab in the middle of the 7 Years war, whose immediate consequence was to dethrone France from its position at the head of the European pack. In the following years, both France and England's New World colony undergo bloody Democratic revolutions where the Monarchy itself is overthrown. Although England jumps into the top-spot after France, the shift in power here is not simply from France to England. England becomes the world's first global super-power, a position later usurped by its former colony, the United States. Capitalist super-powers up, dueling Monarchies down!

Jupiter-Pluto conjunction in Sagittarius, 2007 AD:

Which brings us to the present. The United States, the winner of the last round's game, is currently in the middle of what may very well be a "7 Year War," and is facing a host of problems, both internal and external. Health care and education are both in dire need of reform, while slumbering economic titans India, China, and Russia are beginning to stir. Does this mean the end of the United States? Certainly not. But it does mark the end of the era of the Global Capitalist Superpower, begun by England at the last Jupiter-Pluto conjunction in Sagittarius. The world emerging will be shared by many giants, not ruled by one. It is the beginning of Global Feudalism, where the nuclear and economic heavy-weights jockey for control of the world and its resources. It is the world foreseen by cyber-punk writers and post-modern theorists, a world of international corporate feudalism. A world of global tribes. World peace? World government? Not a chance. Check in at the next Jupiter-Pluto conjunction in Sag, 250 years from now. Perhaps then we'll see Karl Marx's prophesied transition from capitalism to communism.

If we examine these roughly 250 year periods, we notice that there is an alternation between periods of unity and multiplicity. The West is united under the Church, whose power dissolves, leaving a pack of competing powers. Then the age of competing powers is overwhelmed by the emergence of the global super-power. The era we are on the cusp of is analogous to the last transition from unity to multiplicity, when the Church's hegemony over Europe was broken and the era of competing European nations ensued. Call it Colonization 2.0.

This is a gigantic topic. Little can be done in this constrained format but to scratch the surface of the political, religious, cultural and economic character of this shift. It is important to note that although the Jupiter-Pluto conjunction marks turning points, it is Pluto's movement into Capricorn in the following decades that sees the structure of the old systems decay while those of the new gain ascendancy.

Now back to your regularly scheduled horoscopes.

Horoscopes: December 10^th-16^th

Note on Horoscopes: 12 Fold horoscopes are a way to assess the general condition of the splayed rays of the zodiac. Although not without value, they are a blunt tool, and can only describe the archetypal activity in each power-zone. In order to sharpen the accuracy of the horoscopes, read your Sun Sign if you were born in the day-time, and read your Moon Sign if you were born at night. Reading the Sign in which the Ascendant is placed is also advised.

Aries: Misguided Missiles

The Sagittarian season is a generally jollier time for you than the cold tunnel of Scorpio. And although a multitude of planets throng about in Sagittarius, Venus is still creeping through Scorpio. You're likely being led to a heightened understanding of how your misguided missiles are impacting those around you. Although you are subject to these lessons in further self-limitation, the general levity of the time will prevent you from getting lost down any holes.

Taurus: Want

Perhaps you could do without the level of unnecessary levity the Sagittarian season brings. The focus for Taurus is still quite squarely set upon the subject of the desire that you're ensnared in. You're likely unsure whether your current obsession is worth your time or if you're trying to dig a tunnel to a treasure that doesn't exist. Venus' coming trine to Uranus will provide the illumination you need in this particular matter.

Gemini: Habit Formation Pattern

The amount of Sagittarius present in the season has had you looking at yourself from angle usually reserved for others. The Sagittarian season may also be temporarily accelerating the rate at which you partake of your bad habits. There are prizes to be won and cash to be had in limiting the amount of time and energy you spend on habits that you see little return from. Think about it.

Cancer: Walk The Line, Sideways

This time is somewhat less joyous for the Cancers than the other tribes of the zodiac. It's likely that you feel awhirl in a series of draining interactions. This particular set of difficulties is in the process of testing and refining your set of responses to having your shell pierced. You will profit by addressing problematic interactions but will cause greater pains for yourself by getting caught in a fight.

Leo: We Don't Negotiate With Leos

Good times and holiday cheer are fine mood altering substances for Leos. But there is a circle of draining and unpleasant interactions coloring your emotional life right now that detracts from otherwise pleasant times. The root of these likely lies in bargains you've made with people and parts of yourself that you never should have negotiated with. Live and learn.

Virgo: Roots

The abundance of planets in Sagittarius likely signifies a number of powerful and positive changes taking place at your foundations. It may be a positive change of residence or simply a replanting of your emotional roots. At the same time, your social circle is looking troubled. Powerful but untrustworthy social contacts may be offering benefits that are not likely to last.

Libra: Weighed Down

The holiday season sees you out and about at social events, but you're having a difficult time getting your Libra on. The stress from your retrograde professional situation is likely affecting your ability to hold on to the mood you'd like to have at your disposal. Don't let moments of imbalance weigh too heavily on one side of the scales. Your perspective on the situation is soon to change.

Scorpio: Flux Capacitor

Venus' ongoing visit through Scorpio's dark abode and the bonanza of planets in Sagittarius indicate a rather tight focus on financial issues, with the likelihood of an opportunity unveiling itself. Despite positive developments, your situation is still in the midst of a several month period where your perspective as well as your location may be in flux. Let go of limiting emotional perspectives and move with things.

Sagittarius: Joop-Joop!

Happy birthday, Sagittarius-es. Consider the holiday explosion of Sagittarius in the skies to be a going away for Jupiter, who has graced your sign for all of 2007. You can thank Jupiter for the extra positivity in your perspective, as well as any get out of jail free cards you may have received this year. What? Not everything went as you wanted it to? Too bad. When Jupiter moves into Capricorn, you'll have even less support. Don't expect the planetary powers to do everything for you.

Capricorn: Black Holes and Quasars

There are both bright and dark stars rising on the horizon for Capricorn. Jupiter's coming movement into Capricorn will provide an entire year of bonus luck for enacting whatever plans you may have, either nefarious or boring. Pluto, on the other hand, will insert a dark and unpredictable element to things for years to come. Regardless, you're moving closer to a situation you innately understand how to work within.

Aquarius: Sticky

As the year winds its way into the holidays you find your finances and professional situation tied into a difficult web of problematic emotional and energetic exchanges. The necessary insight into how to handle these worrisome connections is emerging this week, and should present you with the proper perspective to handle your mutating affairs effectively.

Pisces: Sans Puke

Underneath all this holiday revelry there is a darker undercurrent of problematic emotional exchanges and energetic interactions that you've been subject to, Pisces. The necessary insight to deal with these irritations is on the way this week. In the meantime, you'll have to content yourself to appreciate the aspects of Sagittarian revelry you can handle without vomiting.

COPYRIGHT ABYSSAL EPISTLES 2007

Sol in Sagittarius , Luna in Capricorn

Astrology Dec. 3rd-9th: Well Lit Tunnel

2007-12-04T03:59:00.000-08:00

ABYSSAL EPISTLES
The Astrology of Baron Samadhi von Coppockalypse, Ph.D

Vol. 116: Well Lit Tunnel

This week the Moon wanes to a close of the lunar month, finding the Sun on Sunday's New Moon in Sagittarius. The New Moon plays into the underlying dynamic permeating the northern hemisphere's holiday season, which is the tension between a sense of opportunity created by Jupiter in Sagittarius plagued by a set of nagging difficulties and conflicts stimulated by a retrograde Mars in Cancer. The New Moon weighs in on the side of opportunity, and is reinforced by the recent movement of Mercury into Sagittarius. Venus, on the other hand, leaves behind her roles as mediator this Wednesday and begins to feed emotional energy into the underlying conflicts leeching the good cheer from the season. The larger pattern of the planets this week suggests a use of widened perspective to counter-act the conflicts crawling out from the more dimly lit crannies of the current tunnel

Mercury In Sagittarius: Bull Horn of "Truth" +3

Mercury moved in Sagittarius over the weekend, and heralded the emergence of the mind from the tunnel of anxieties, annoyances, and suspicions that Scorpio has been for the last few months. Communications become more positive and open due to Mercury's entrance into Sagittarius. In Sagittarius, Mercury also makes for much more direct and honest communications, with a tendency to view things as they could and should be. This is in contradiction to Mercury in Scorpio, which instead tries to anticipate the negative, and can be a little paranoid.

Venus In Scorpio: Pressure Point Massage

Which brings us to Venus, who leaves the high-minded confines of Libra this Wednesday and enters the Scorpionic tunnel from which Mercury has just emerged. Scorpio's intense domain is difficult in general, but because of the current Mars retrograde, has become an emotional mine-field. As Venus enters this territory, our relationships and moods enter this problematic mental landscape. Venus in Scorpio brings us to our emotional hang-ups- old grudges and unresolved knots in the fabric of our relationships. It highlights the inequalities in our energy exchange with people in our lives, and can create an obsession with power dynamics that blows issues out of proportion. Even with these difficulties considered, Venus in Scorpio is honest, and can open a dark doorway to the transformation of stagnant relationships.

Horoscopes: December 3^rd-9^th

Note on Horoscopes: 12 Fold horoscopes are a way to assess the general condition of the splayed rays of the zodiac. Although not without value, they are a blunt tool, and can only describe the archetypal activity in each power-zone. In order to sharpen the accuracy of the horoscopes, read your Sun Sign if you were born in the day-time, and read your Moon Sign if you were born at night. Reading the Sign in which the Ascendant is placed is also advised.

Aries: Toll

Mercury's movement into Sagittarius heralds visions of positive possibilities this week. If you haven't seen the pot of gold at the end of the pain-bow bridge you've been struggling to traverse, you'll see it see it soon. A fortress of knowledge awaits you at the end of these transformations. While Mercury's movement into Sagittarius affords you clear sight of what remains at the far side of the bridge, Venus' mid-week movement into Scorpio will show you what part of your emotional baggage you've got to leave behind in order to get there.

Taurus: Translucent Tangle

Mercury's movement into Sagittarius will shine a clear light beyond the veil of your hopes and fears, but as Venus enters Scorpio, she leads your feelings straight into that veil, getting tangled in the curtain. Venus' mid-week movement into Scorpio will signal the beginning of a set of confrontations with the objects of desire which are the subject of your confusion. Use your mind to help your heart see the truth behind your current set of attachments.

Gemini: Redirection

As if you were redesigning the microchips in your processor, you're re-routing the flow of information and energy through you daily life. Mercury's movement into Sagittarius marks a turn for the honest in your relationships. You'll be able to be more open about whats been on your mind without illiciting such a bitchy response from people. Venus' movement Scorpio may activate sour feelings in the workplace, and will also find you feeling whatever unhealthy habits you've been having.

Cancer: Taste Bad, More Filling

Cancer, it may seem like the powers that be have you on a liquid diet of foul smelling and gross tasting concoctions. You've slurped down a number of experiences you wouldn't normally have deigned to drink. The bad news is that your liquid diet is by no means over. The good news is that the foul concoctions you've been force-fed are a potent witches' brew of radioactive ooze, and that by the time you're done you'll be manifesting a variety of mutant powers.

Leo: Attitude Adjustment

Mercury's movement into Sagittarius marks a change in your perspective for the positive. The shift isn't only internal, as you'll likely notice people communicating with you in a more pleasing manner, as well. Although Mercury's movement heralds a more positive tone to communications, Venus' movement into Scorpio will draw your attention to financial gripes, especially those relating to property and vehicles. The gripes are part of a larger process taking place throughout the season where the foundations of the way that you go after what you want are undergoing significant changes. It's part of a process so take it in perspective.

Virgo: What You Don't Know Can Hurt You

Mercury's movement into Sagittarius marks a significantly positive turn in your attitude. Your perspective on your own know-how, which has been under fire recently, takes a turn for the better, with the focus shifting from what you don't know to the glory of what you.do. On the other hand, Venus' movement into Scorpio means that you'll be dealing with sour feelings about friendships and sibling relationships. These are currently undergoing renovations, so don't call it quits on anything just because it doesn't look livable right now. Instead, make the space you need to work through your feelings.

Libra: Costume Change

Venus' movement out of your Sign in the middle of the week marks the end of your duty as reconciler. As Venus slips into Scorpio, you'll be exploring the limits to truces you've bartered as people speak more freely and openly. Don't feel like you've failed- your role was a temporary one- to hold things together until communications improved. Venus' movement into Scorpio also means that you may be the one needing support and perspective for the next couple weeks.

Scorpio: Different Angle, Different Topic

Mercury's movement out of your Sign signifies the dispersal of what may have been an unnecessary excess of mental energy. As Mercury moves into to Sagittarius, your intellect moves on to shine on more mundane matters, and from a brighter angle. As your mind leaves the cluster of topics you've been focusing on, your feelings on the same matters become more distinct. Decisions you've made that pertain to your changing financial situation will also be set in motion with Venus' entrance into Scorpio this week.

Sagittarius: Shiny Time

Sweet Sagittarius, its your time, and that means its time to shine. Or at least talk about shining. With Mercury's movement into Sagittarius, your ability to create self-propaganda is looking better than ever. Don't let this offer slip through your fingers! Act now and receive universal support for your awesomely skewed personal version of reality! Mercury may have your back, but Venus will be presenting temptations aplenty to lead you off the straight and narrow path of your own ascension to unnecessary awesomeness. Don't let your competitive streak distract you from what's really important: You.

Capricorn: Inner Ducks

Your social circle is mid-transition, and as Venus moves into Scorpio, you'll be feeling the difficulty of that over the next weeks. Mars Retrograde in Cancer is making it more troublesome for people to penetrate social circles than usual. So no, its not just you. Its the situation. Don't go out of your way to exert effort in areas where it isn't to your advantage. You will profit more from looking inward and getting your inner ducks and demons in a row for winter.

Aquarius: A Friend In Need

Mercury's movement into Sagittarius bolsters what positive thoughts you've got on your side right now, and may manifest as assistance from friends and acquaintances. Which you'll need, as you may find yourself in a painful position for the next month, as you feel your way through your ongoing professional transformation.

Pisces: Birth Canal

With Mercury's movement into Sagittarius, you may find your thoughts gravitating around professional and career issues. There's likely something big there, but with Saturn's presence in Virgo, it may be caught somewhere halfway down the birth canal. The pain of being caught in mid-transformation is formidable, and it is exactly that set of feelings that Venus in Scorpio will be stimulating on and off for the next month. Remember to breath and keep pushing.

COPYRIGHT ABYSSAL EPISTLES 2007

Sol in Sagittarius, Luna in Libra

Astrology 25th-2nd: Snow Globe Stasis

2007-11-27T00:32:00.000-08:00

Vol. 115: Snow Globe Stasis

This week events manifest along the guidelines laid down in previous weeks, with one small change. Uranus, retrograde for months previous, went direct last weekend, sending the creative spirit forward. The changes we feel brewing stir at a subconscious level, but aren’t quite ready to be midwifed into being. Let’s take a look at where things are holding before they change next week.

End Of ATunnel

Mercury tunnels his way through the last degrees of Scorpio, bringing communications to the depths of personal relationships not quite addressed yet. This is troubled territory, where Mercury would like to speak words that need not be spoken during better times. But time, unlike space, is not up to us. And this is not the time. You will benefit by keeping toxic thoughts to yourself and negotiations courteous.

A Snow-Globe, Or Two

Retrograde in the first decanate of Cancer, Mars is walling people up inside emotional snow globes. Although some are engaged in outright battles, the rest are trying to avoid what they cannot repair through engagement. These force-fields of isolation and difference are armor sadly necessary at times.

A Freudian hangover infects the culture, suggesting that we air every complaint in the name of self-exploration and emotional depth. The current circumstances do not favor this underlying orthodoxy. There are therapeutic places, in time as well as space, and although the background energies have woken a number of slumbering feuds, this is not the time to work through them all, because they have not fully emerged.

By unearthing all of our current concerns, we risk the folly of attempting to solve the issues without fully understanding them. Our solutions will likely be as premature as our understanding of the problem.

Four Swords Sit Still

Venus shines from the end of Libra into these affairs. Venus counsels an uneasy truce where true peace is not possible. We must accept the missed messages of the present, and participate in it until it becomes the near future.

Mars is deep in his underworld, busy burrowing far beneath our defenses. Thought causing the occasional surface earthquake in the daylight world, he is still weeks away from reaching the heart of affairs. Mars must tunnel back all the way through Cancer and then into Gemini before he’ll have found the root of the problem, and the true seed of his transformation.

In Gemini he will see these dark roots, the problem with the relationship between the twins. A hostility between dark and light that made it impossible for them to be harnessed to the chariot of the present. Currently striving under an ill-fitting yoke, the twins, as steeds, pull the chariot in too many directions- it goes no-where. Breaking up the team isn’t the answer. Great forward strides will not be made as a unit until the relationships between the members of the team have been transformed.

Horoscopes: Nov. 25^th – Dec. 2^nd

Note on Horoscopes: 12 Fold horoscopes are a way to assess the general condition of the splayed rays of the zodiac. Although not without value, they are a blunt tool, and can only describe the archetypal activity in each power-zone. In order to sharpen the accuracy of the horoscopes, read your Sun Sign if you were born in the day-time, and read your Moon Sign if you were born at night. Reading the Sign in which the Ascendant is placed is also advised.

Aries: Vacation From You

Aries, your impatience is a vice. Usually it’s a small one. But under the current conditions confrontation is likely to lead to useless explosions rather than resolution. It is not time to be honest, because the subject of your honesty is in the midst of transformation. Today’s honesty will be tommorow’s lie. So chill. Instead, the Baron advises planning a neglected sojourn to some far-flung landscape; material, astral, mental or otherwise.

Taurus: Swarm Dispersal

A cow is not complete without a swarm of flies surrounding it, harassing it. Over the last month, those insects have been harassing you with paranoid thoughts, sucking valuable time, energy, and blood. This will be the last week that the carnivorous swarm takes you attention, for come next week communications will take on a more direct tone that leaves less room for suspicion. So wait it out and stop swatting.

Gemini: A Coin For Each Eye

Gemini, last week’s Full Moon in your sign and the Sun’s entrance into Sagittarius puts the spotlight on your relationships with people. Jupiter’s presence in Sagittarius indicates that you’ve been given unusual opportunities to learn from people this year, but with those opportunities has come a hidden cost, indicated by Pluto. The price Pluto asks is different for each person. The question the Sun has come round to shine on is how you’ve responded to these opportunities, what cost you’ve either paid or refused, and whether its been worth it.

Cancer: Forget It

Cancer, you’re midway through a process through which the means by which you generate and understand power will be transformed. If you feel out of your element, it is because you are. Learning means taking on things you do not already comprehend. Opportunity hides in the details of a plan to re-engineer your vehicle. Open yourself to the empty spaces beyond what you’re comfortable with, and forget what you think you’re capable of.

Leo: Tar-Diver

Leo, the problem you thought you’d left behind isn’t gone yet. In fact, its only gotten closer. Its as if you’re doing battle with a tar pit, attempting to break the fossilized bones of your past. But your flailing only draws you deeper into it. Maybe there’s something in there you forgot about, or should forget about.

Virgo: Saturn Survival Tip

Dear Virgo, having Saturn in your sign sucks. The near presence of the reaper’s planet tends to cause the emergence of dire things both great and small. Saturn’s seeming malevolence is subtle, for it not only creates misfortunes, but like the gaze of Medusa, it hardens the witness to these events. One might argue that the true difficulty Saturn poses is not events themselves, but the petrifying effect they have on the mind that sees them. Minds have a way of replicating in reality what they have come to expect. So smile.

Libra: Mediator

It’s likely, Libra, that you’ve reached the limits of your peace-making abilities. Instead of hoping for deep harmony, it may be to your own, and others, advantage to consider the value of a cease-fire. A truce may be temporary, but it still provides real moments of peace. Don’t put yourself on the rack by trying to bridge extremes that won’t quit.

Scorpio: Toy Boat

A turbulent witches brew seethes below the foam of current events. It must bring a strange satisfaction and peace to see so many people attempting to tread the underworld waters whose struggles you already know so well. You know how to let the sewers run their course, so let it flow for a bit.

Sagittarius: Keep Your Arrows To Yourself

Happy birthday, Sagittarius. The stars have a few fine things to say about the year to come for those born this week. Abundant enthusiasm and ardor will strive to meet exacting professional standards.
For the rest of you, its still a game of keeping your gaze away from other people’s prizes. Unprofitable conflicts lies in the arms of others. Keep your bow and arrow pointed down your own path, Sagittarius, and you’ll be fine.

Capricorn: Head Down

Capricorn has been uprooted, and a certain change in terms of social circles is developing, but the real action has yet to come to the Cappies. As you have likely noted, there are big changes an opportunities just over the horizon. Something may be brewing, but its certainly not percolated completely. The Baron advises you to competently attend to practical matters in order to put yourself into position for whats just over the next hill.

Aquarius: Check It Twice

A certain benevolent force has asserted itself by rebalancing your perspective. You can benefit in the weeks ahead by consciously solidifying these changes. Your enthusiasm is set to decay over the next month, and so anchoring yourself to the way you’re looking at things now is important. Try listing your assumptions about life right now, and then tucking that list away for a few weeks. When your expectations are threatened by disdain, consider the list you’ve prepared.

Pisces: Preoccupation

Professional direction and operations are highlighted all month for you, Pisces. However, your mind won’t be free to fully consider career until well into next week. The planets suggest that you’re at the tail end of a type of philosophical crisis. The Baron suggests you not plunge into other matters before tying off the loose ends of your current set of considerations. Use this week to clean your mental slate for what’s next.

COPYRIGHT ABYSSAL EPISTLES 2007

Sol in Sagittarius, Luna in Cancer

Pluto Reclassification

2007-11-24T17:00:00.000-08:00

Breakfast with Pluto

In order to get to the bottom of nagging questions about Pluto posed by astrologers, astronomers, and everyone in-between, the Baron has journeyed to the depths of the underworld itself to talk to Mr. Afterlife himself.

(After being blindfolded and paddled across the River Styx by a way-too-talkative Charon, the Baron is granted an exclusive interview with the original man in black .)

Baron: Greetings, Lord Pluto. Big up ya self.

Pluto: Baron, good to see you again. I guess this time I won't be opposing your Moon.

Baron: Please don't.

Pluto: No worries. I've had my fun.

(Pluto beckons, and hot dead girls in skimpy outfits serve coffee in hollowed-out skulls. The coffee is black. Of course.)

Baron: This is good!

Pluto: No shit. Best in the underworld. Straight out of the Elysian Fields. Its just one culture over.

Baron: Pluto, I've got some serious questions to ask. First, how do you feel about your physical representative losing its planetary status?

Pluto: THE MORTALS PURCHASE THE ILLUSION OF KNOWLEDGE AT THE PRICE OF THEIR SOULS!

Baron: Really...

Pluto: No, I'm totally kidding. Honestly, I was wondering how long it would take the dirt-monkeys to figure it out. Its a tiny ball of ice and rock, for Joves sake! Its not even as big as your goddamn Moon! Of course I'm not offended.

Baron: Excellent. Well, people here on earth have been pretty concerned about your reaction to the downgrade.

Pluto: Well Baron, to be honest with you, they're going to get my wrath one way or another. But really don't view it as a downgrade. If you had a choice, would you rather be the smallest planet or the largest binary icy dwarf planet? Just taste the words "Binary Icy Dwarf Planet." Thats fucking metal as all hell and you can't deny it.

Baron: Nor would I. You should beam that into some guitar-playing idiots head.

Pluto: Done. Expect their double-album next year.

Baron: Nice. Always a pleasure to see a master in action. I have another question: Does this change your relationship with Scorpio? Do you still rule Scorpio? Did you ever? Do you now?

Pluto: As far as Scorpio goes, I don't know if I ever Ruled it in the sense the pre-modern astrologers use the term. House cusps and all that crap. In the sense that Modern astrologers use the term, meaning that I have a very strong affinity with it, I say yes. Scorpio's focus on decay, virulence, death, vengeance, violence and obsession has always made it my favorite celestial mansion to spend a few years in.

Baron: I hate to belabor the question, but this is important. In terms of classical technique, should we consider you to Rule Scorpio?

Pluto: I'll be straight with you, Scorpio is Mars winter home. You see, I really don't live on this side of the veil, hoss. I just vacation here from time to time. But when I'm here, I like to stay at Mars' place. You've got to love a guy who uses history's bloodiest battlefields as carpet, and the skulls of heroes for cereal bowls.

Baron: Interesting. Anything to say about the rest of the Signs?

Pluto: Well, my mother always told me if you dont have anything nice to say... I dont want to gossip. But I will say: Capricorn, its you and me for near 20 years come 2008. Hold onto your oil and watch your ass, kids. Its going to be a bumpy ride.

Baron: Sweet. So back to my original question: You really aren't offended that you're not going to get so much attention anymore?

Pluto: Not at all. You see, for years people have given me credit for anything and everything underworldy that goes on in their lives, when, to be realistic, the underworld's just as packed as any heaven. If you've been reading your Scientific American, or just browsing wikipedia, youd know that your science-monkeys have discovered another 6 icy dwarves about my size and in my vicinity in the last 10 or so years. And any mythology will reveal that we've layers and layers of anti-world to keep organized. We're well staffed, and I dont mind who knows it.

Baron: No shit.

Pluto: No shit. Just as that miserable little rock is my outpost on the material plane, the other powers have their own transmitters. The astrology meat-bags have given me credit for everything dark and scary that goes in the world, whereas I'm really just the only member of the family you've met. If you took a second to think about what it means that I'm in a binary relationship with Charon, you'd understand.

Baron: Well, Charon ferries those who approach the underworld across the River Styx. My guess at what you're getting at is that you're the modern humans' re-introduction to the power of the mythological underworld.

Pluto: Baron, you're so good. I knew there was a reason I haven't killed you yet.

Baron: By your grace, Lord Pluto. I have to ask- in this whole binary relationship you have with Charon, who takes who up the you know where?

Pluto: Now, now Baron. Its strictly Plutonic.

Baron: ...

Pluto: Sorry. That was bad.

Baron: Moving on. Didn't you like getting credit for all that, though? Doesn't it make you more powerful to have people thinking you're responsible for all of that? I thought being a god was sort of a "fake it till you make it" type of situation. Belief is food, and whatnot.

Pluto: Not at all. We gods like to be recognized for who we really are, and what we actually do. Just like you monkeys. Im tired of repping for a whole cosmological sect. We test people to give us the proper respect, and punish those who give us too much, or too little. Its a Greek "Golden Mean" type of deal. Ask Saturn, he'll explain.

Baron: Good to know. Pluto, can you tell us anything about your fellow underworlders?

Pluto: Well, like myself, they're big on secrecy, but I can tell you a little bit about those who have already revealed themselves. First, we've got Orcus, whose job is to punish oath-breakers.

Baron: Oath-breakers? We dont really take oaths these days, except in court.

Pluto: Not the silly kind of oath. The real kind. Orcus' job is to punish those who forget their destinies and spurn their fate. "The promises to yourself are the most important ones to keep" type of idea. You know Baron, you kind of look like Orcus.

Baron: I have Orcus conjunct Jupiter and the Ascendent by less than a degree.

Pluto: Ha! Damn I'm good. Maybe next time around I'll be an astrologer.

Baron: Go on.

Pluto: I will.

Baron: Then do it.

Pluto: I will. But I'm not doing it because you said so.

Baron: Fine.

Pluto: Fine.

Baron: Ok.

Pluto: Anyway. So there's Orcus, and then there's Sedna. She's this sad little Eskimo chick with no fingers.

Baron: Weird.

Pluto: Bet your ass she's weird. I cant really tell you much about her, except that she doesn't get along too well with her dad. Then theres Varuna, if thats what he's calling himself these days. Nice guy, for a cthonian. Indian, good with computers, and ruler of the night-sky. Theres also Ixion, though Marduk knows how he got a base on the material plane. Your histories name him as a son of Ares, strapped to a burning wheel and damned to rotate for eternity for trying to fuck Zeus' wife. What a dumbass. Only Zeus fucks other people's wives.

Baron: Word.

Pluto: Then theres my sweet little UB 313. Those science monkeys are getting ready to call her Xena. If they do, they will know my wrath. Its Proserpina, my wife, not Lucy Lawless. Remember the myth? She stays with me half the year and is gone the other half? Right. Well, look at her planetoid's orbit. You'll see she saunters around the solar system side by side with me for about half of the time, and goes out on her own the rest. If that isn't a clue, I dont know what is.

Baron: Thats pretty convincing. But theres already an asteroid named after her.

Pluto: So blow it up.

Baron: Fair enough.

Pluto: Arent I always?

Baron: ...yes?

Pluto: Good answer. So, weve covered Orcus, Varuna, Ixion, Sedna, and my sweet Proserpina. Theres also Quaor. He doesn't talk much. He claims to have done the cosmic disco with lady Chaos, and by doing so brought the whole universe into existence. Sort of an Apsu and Tiamat sort of relationship, if you dig.

Baron: I do. Dig, that is.

Pluto: Basically, Charon and I have been the acting diplomats for the underworld for 75 years now, but the graveyard of the solar system is full of tombstones other than mine. You call it the Kuiper Belt. Our underworld council is ready to start participating more directly in your daily affairs because it seems like you monkeys need a reminder. You'll be seeing more of us.

Baron: Looking forward to it. Pluto, its been most informative, but I really have to get back to my body on the physical plane. I would, however, like to say one thing before I go.

Pluto: Go for it.

Baron: Pluto, you totally rule.

Pluto: I totally already knew that.

Plutoscopes

By the grace of the underworld itself, the Baron has been granted permission to delineate the movement of Pluto through the different signs of the Zodiac. In whatever sign he is present in, Pluto brings terrible fear, Fascist structure, and a deep need for transformation often expressed as the type of psychology popular during each period. Remember not to read your Sun Sign. Pluto is generational.

Pluto in Cancer: Tell Me About Your mother...

1912-1937

In Cancer, Pluto focused his fearful energy on the family and homeland. This is a generation that fought in World War II, and later brought Pluto's fascist tendencies back to America, creating the notoriously restrictive nuclear family of the 50's. This generation, and their experiences, forever changed the way modern people think of their homeland and their family. This was also the period in during which Freud's psychology, which traced everything back to the childhood and the mother, reached the height of its popularity.

Pluto in Leo: The "Me" Generation

1937-1956

The Baby Boomers. Growing up under the shadow of the a mature Pluto in Cancer generation's familial restrictions, as well as nuclear annihilation, they were obsessed with freedom of expression. Called the "Me" generation, their Plutonian revolution took place in the 60s, where they spurned every attempt to limit their personal freedom, creating a deep cultural divide. These are the people who made rock n' roll happen. Out of this generation we get a number of strands of humanistic psychology which focus on open personal expression as the primary form of therapy.

Pluto in Virgo: All Work, No Healthcare

1956-1971

The middle children of history. In Virgo, Pluto sprayed shady rays into the realm of work and health care. Having waited for decades for the Baby-Boomers/Pluto in Leo generation to get off the throne, many of the Pluto in Virgo generation have had to labor patiently in positions beneath their dignity. Having had the experience of the worst the modern workplace has to offer, it is expected that workplace reform will be one of the marks the Pluto in Virgo generation will leave on history. Virgo's relationship to health care is also of note, and immediately connected to workplace concerns. Many astrologers expect this generation to be the one responsible for the health-care reform so necessary in America today. This generation has also been the one primarily responsible for bringing the therapeutic value of alternative health care, such as massage and acupuncture, into mainstream consciousness.

Pluto in Libra: Between Worlds

1971-1983

Born to a world shaken but not stirred by the revolution of their parents, the Pluto in Libra generation has been confronted with a country in which radical subculture and mainstream culture co-exist in uneasy peace. Growing up in such a space, the Pluto in Libra generation has been put in a place to reconcile the revolution of the hippies with the conformity of the same people in the 80s. As the Pluto in Libra generation matures, it is expected that they will take art in new directions, most likely through proper utilization of new electronic mediums. Though it may be awhile, once the Pluto in Libra generation begins to take office, it can be expected that there will be a deep focus on the injustice inside governmental systems. One can also expect fresh ideas in the field of psychology from this generation, most likely from outside the field itself.

Pluto in Scorpio: Out With The Old...

1983-1995

Just now popping out of their cocoons, many astrologers believe that the Pluto in Scorpio generation is an important one. Not confronted with the need to balance in the same way as the Pluto in Libra generation, Pluto in its favorite sign will be able to guide its children to assist in powerful cultural transformations. The Barons guess is that it will be under the auspices of this generation that the burgeoning field of genetics will make its strongest impact. They will also transform social attitudes towards formerly hidden occult practices, as well as attitudes regarding death in general. One could expect a rise in alternative religions, such as Wicca, and a decline in those that are already past their prime.

Pluto in Sagittarius: Crazy Little Bastards

1995-2008

Forget it. Ask the Baron about it when youre old enough to care. Or read.

Disclaimer: If you do not take every word of these horoscopes into you with the utmost faith, you will die. Statistics bear this out. Simply scan the newspapers. You will find that an overwhelming majority of the people that die each week DID NOT read the Baron's horoscopes.

If your newspaper or your mom's website are interested in publishing the Baron's weekly prophetics, shoot this old guy an email at Dr.Coppockalypse@gmail.com. The Baron is also available for birthdays, weddings, funerals and orgies.

Baron Classics: Sexual Failure

2007-11-24T16:01:00.000-08:00

THE SEXUAL FAILINGS OF THE ZODIAC

The Baron's at your doorstep for Valentines' day, on bended knee with a wilted rose and chocolate box of frosted turds.

Aries: The Ram*

Dont get me wrong. Its not so much that no one wants to have sex with you. Its just that no one ever wants to have sex with you again. People find your confidence attractive until they realize its based on nothing but an edited history of failure. Perhaps being a pushy, defensive mess has enabled you to emotionally bully enough past partners into corroborating your side of the story. You are singularly capable of presenting a sexually confident image without any ability whatsoever to back it up. Good for you! Bad for them!

Early ejaculation alert!*

Taurus: The Bull

Ah yes. A fine meal, some entertainment, the right music and a luxurious bed-spread. I can hear the crickets chirping. Yes, this may be the time of night when the genitals come out. Its too bad that all that staging cant disguise a basic insensitivity to all but the crudest physical sensations. Whether its Bach or Barry Manilow playing, with Taurus it still comes down to the wet game of meat-on-meat. All that faux romance is just setting up their potential partner for Taurus ultimate sexual fantasy: to have a nice, thick, freshly marinated cut of steak (or tofu, for veggies!) slowly wiped up and down their generous form. Oral sex indeed.

Gemini: The Twins**

Geminis have a reputation for liking sex constantly. This has led some deluded fools to the belief that Geminis are hyper-sexual mavericks. Not so. Geminis make up for quality with quantity. Geminis like sex all the time because each session lasts anywhere from 2-4 minutes. Was it good for you? No. Hell no. This need to constantly do it is a pitiful and ill-fated attempt to replace quality with quantity, which, as we have learned from the morbidly obese, simply does not work.

Small wiener alert!**

Cancer: The Crab***

Where to begin? Cancers tend to live in their own worlds, and in these worlds, things are a little different than the one that you and I live in. They have issues with attachment. For example: In Cancers world, surprise anal sex is just a way to say I care about you SO MUCH. So if you find that your Cancer partner is interested in spicing up your love life, just remember that to them, ball-gags and beatings mean a picket fence and marriage.

***Deformed dong warning!

Leo: The Lion

Though it is painful for the Baron to admit, Leos are not technically bad at sex. But as with everything else Leo does, has done, and will do, it is completely ruined by their egotism. Nothing kills the moment like a Leo pausing mid-thrust/lick to tell you about what they just did and how cool it was. In particularly talky cases, the Leo may go onto how it relates to who they are as a person, what they believe, where theyre going in life and... Shut up. Shut it. The Baron recommends ball-gagging a Leo before you have sex with it.

Virgo: The Virgin

Many Virgos will be swift to tell you that theyre not virgins! Ha-ha ha-ho. True, most are not virgins, but they ARE terrible at sex. Virgos are afflicted with a crippling sexual insecurity that lends itself either to a fearful form of chastity or a hideously overcompensated form of promiscuity. The promiscuous form brings all the pleasure of robotics to the act of sexual intercourse. They mechanically perform their role with inanimate sub-ecstasy.

Libra: The Scales of Justice

Suave and debonair or the sly coquette, theres nothing that terrible about sleeping with a Libra, other than the fact that you are probably the 3^rd out of 5 people they will fuck that night. Yay infidelity! Yay STDs!

Scorpio: The Scorpion

Thank god for sluts. Good, honest, old fashioned brain-in-the-genitals-not-worth-a-shit-outside-the-bedroom sluts. The men and women of Scorpio may be a decaying morass of imploding failure in every other area of life, but they ARE good to fuck. Try one yourself. Just make sure to slip out in the middle of the night, because you DO NOT want to be there during when they wake up. Trust the Baron. The Baron knows.

Sagittarius: The Centaur

Sagittarius tends to combine the egotism of Leo with Aries' lack of prowess. Theyre the total package, and theyre out to let you know. Sagittarius has a truly interesting capacity to assume that they are the spitting image of the popular sex symbol of the day. A male Sagittarius looks in the mirror, sees Brad Pitt, and walks through the rest of his day thinking I AM Tyler Durden. The fact that hes mediocre looking and cant fight or fuck makes no difference whatsoever. The same goes for the ladies of Sagittarius. No girls, youre not Brittany Spears, youre some bitch buying pictures of her at the grocery store.

Capricorn: The Sea-Goat

Capricorn, like Janus, Januarys dual-faced monthly guardian, has two opposing sides: horniness and self-control. You would think that would work. You would think that Capricorn would be able to parlay these gifts into a controlled yet passionate explosion. You would think. But in truth Capricorn generally needs you to help overcome their self-control. The only thing that lets you get past Capricorns iron fisted control of their pants-pockets is generally good, old fashioned suffering. A Capricorn must either make you suffer until their twisted libido is roused or be utterly dominated to the point where they need take no responsibility for their urges. Fucked up. Fuck-ed up.

Aquarius: The Water-Bearer

Aquarius approaches sex with a cool, scientific detachment. Consciously or not, they tend to regard sex as an anthropological experiment. I suppose the actual act is alright if you dont mind being interrupted to discuss the theoretical implications of penis/vagina, penis/penis, or vagina/vagina time.

Pisces: The Fishes

The only way you are getting into Pisces fishy drawers is if you are willing to play a role in their insane personal drama. If the Pisces believes that either you are a God, Goddess, angel, demon, Bilbo Baggins or Cinderella, you might just have a decent roll in the hay. On the other hand, if you would like to keep you emotional life from complete and utter destruction, I'd steer clear.

Baron Classics: RPG Nerdiness

2007-11-24T15:53:00.001-08:00

NERDOSCOPES!

Having comfortably violated the laws of time and space, the Baron has no problem violating those of good taste. Thats right, from the bowels of your wasted childhood comes the unwanted, the hateful, the nerdy: Fantasy Role Playing Game Horoscopes! Thats right. Ever wonder what character class you would play if your were really being honest with yourself? Probably not. And so the Baron has wondered it for you.

Aries: The Barbarian

Aries, you are the Barbarian class character. Basically a fighter, you lack the civility common even to the average mentally deficient footman. But you have more hit points per level (d12, bitches). Aries, this reflects your primary attribute- your high constitution score. You may not be bright or charming, but you can take a beating and keep on keeping on like few in this world. In addition, you come ready with wilderness survival skills fresh from your primitive home. Not only that, but, as anyone who has spent any significant amount of time around you knows, you have a totally sweet berserker rage attack that gives you massive damage bonuses. Which is, honestly, the last thing you need.

Taurus: The Thief

Honestly, Taurus is not an adventuring type of sign. If we were being truly honest, Taurus character class would be Good Eater. But that just doesnt fit in with this weeks theme, and therefore the Baron is forced to grant you a character class. And Thief it is. As a Thief, you arent in the epic adventure for the epic adventure. Youre in it for the money. Taurus, all of your skills are designed to help you get things and avoid conflict. And Taurus, if youre honest with yourself, you will find that these are the very same goals your real-life skills cluster around.

Gemini: The Bard

More than just a singer, the Bard is an extremely flexible character class. Bards combine elements of the wizards spell-casting ability and the fighters battle-readiness along with unique persuasive abilities. Like Gemini, they are extremely flexible offensive resources with little staying power. The Bard is an excellent supplement to an attack force, but are somewhat fragile and need to be healed constantly. Sound familiar?

Cancer: The Healer

Yes, Cancer, you are the Healer of the party. Also, like a nagging mother, you provide the moral compass of the party, constantly second-guessing its members and generally making them feel insecure. This gives you more opportunity to heal them. Its good to needed, right?

Leo: The Fighter

Big hearted and small minded, Leo is the classic Fighter. Leo is out to represent, but what the thing to be represented is not entirely clear. As the Fighter class, it doesnt matter! You just give a big yell, run into combat, and sword things until they die. If only life asked nothing more of you

Virgo: The Assassin

Virgo is the Assassin. Morally bankrupt and sadistic with a mind for details, Virgo combines aspects of the Thief and the Fighter in a character class that is too weak for frontline combat but not skilled enough to be useful in any other capacity. No, Virgo, in real life, as well as fantasy role-playing land, it is your role to skulk in the shadows, jealously analyzing the weaknesses of other characters before striking the mortal blow.

Libra: The Illusionist

You, Libra, are a magician. Not a stage magician. Theyre fake. A real one. You are the mighty Illusionist. Capable of creating illusions. Fake things. False appearances. Unlike the lowly stage magician, you are capable of creating REAL illusions. Realfakethings. Yeah. Hmm. Youve got power, I guess. Right. Huh. Sorry about that.

Scorpio: The Psionicist

The control of the world via the minds subtle wavelengths has always been you forte, Scorpio. And therefore your fantasy role-playing class is clearly the Psionicist." You engage in subtle discipline in order to bend both other people and your own body to your will. The Psionicist class is extremely flexible, and able to fill a variety of roles. However, each and every one of those role includes being the creepy guy/girl at the back of the party with the hypno-eyes.

Sagittarius: The Paladin/Anti-Paladin

With your faith in light or darkness guiding you, you, Sagittarius, are the Paladin/Anti-Paladin. Your acts of good (or evil) faith are your hallmark. Either way, youre not changing your mind; youre changing everybody elses. Astride your high horse, because you ARE that high horse, you sweep through the country side in order to convert or conquer the heathen. As in real life, you are the most annoying character in the game.

Capricorn: The Monk

Though it would be fair to assign Capricorn the Monk character class because of their solid approach and inner discipline, Capricorn is far more often than not the enemy menacing the fair heroes of the story. Capricorn either embraces internal structure and works diligently to achieve the inner perfection of the Monk, or gives into their rebellious streak, seeking to master the world rather than themselves. This is one of the primary psychological formulas for villainy, and you Capricorn, complete the equation.

Aquarius: The Magic-User

Between the frazzled, mentally over-active manner and the feelings of social alienation, you are the classic wizard. Face it, youve been trying to been trying mix magic and technology your whole life. And now, in the sweet bosom of fantasy role-playing games, you can pretend you have the magic powers you pretend you have in real life! Sweet, sweet imagination.

Pisces: The Cleric

Pisces, you are the last priest/ess of some obscure god or goddess. And you are out to muhfuckin represent. Though you have some healing abilities and arent completely worthless in a melee, your primary job in the party is to call down the wrath of your little-known deity and wreak havoc on the impure. Its just your way of leading people back to the source. Thy Will Be Done.

Disclaimer: If you do not take every word of these horoscopes into you with the utmost faith, you will die. Statistics bear this out. Simply scan the newspapers. You will find that an overwhelming majority of the people that die each week DID NOT read the Baron's horoscopes.

If your newspaper or your mom's website are interested in publishing the Baron's weekly prophetics, shoot this old guy an email at Dr.Coppockalypse@gmail.com. The Baron is also available for birthdays, weddings, funerals and orgies.

Baron Classics: Psychological Warfare

2007-11-24T15:49:00.000-08:00

Twelve Deadly Venoms
The Tactical Tricksters Guide to the Zodiac

How to Aggravate an Aries: Premature Ejaculation

The key to defeating an Aries is simple. Almost each and every Aries mistakenly believes, in their palpitating heart of hearts, that raw force of personality and essential strength is enough to decide a conflict in their favor. Not so, not so. To defeat an Aries at a game of skill, you must find out how to first weather their full assault- and then mock it. Aries engage personally in any contest, and it is their ego that marshals much of their strength. And strength they have, but it is predictable. They tend to have a favored, personalized style of assault. Predict, weather it, and then mock it. Once you begin mocking an Aries, their egos will usually crumble and their game will become a combination of frustration and rage. Unbalanced and easily defeated. Check it out.

How to Destroy a Taurus: Float like a Butterfly

The Taurus player of any game does not suffer from an overly aggressive and unwise energy expenditure pattern. They are often content to plod towards victory a steady and somewhat conservative pace. To destroy a Taurus, hit and run tactics are recommended. Wear a Taurus down by taking shots whenever there is an opening, but retreat before the Taurus brings their full might to bear on your attack. You can cut down on the mass and might of a Taurus game by nipping at its heels and until there is little left but a bunch of bleeding and irritated flesh. Although a bull can crush a wolf, or a gore a tiger with its horns, it can do little but switch its tail at clouds of parasitic flies and blood hungry birds. Be swift, and be constant. Wear down a Taurus conserved strength and suck its patience dry. Youll win.

Degenerating Gemini: Know Thyself

Gemini is often a consummate competitor. Geminis often excel at identifying anothers weakness and then devising a stratagem to take advantage thereof. It is this very strategic sense that can be counted on as Geminis consistent weakness. It is a safe assumption that any Gemini you tangle with in love or war, on chessboard or on the dance-floor will approach the situation by attempting figure out your weakness and then attack it, intelligently. The trick to degenerating Gemini is to be ready for this. To anticipate the perception of your weakness and to prepare for the strategy that will attempt to take advantage of it. The Gemini will become frustrated when they realize that their strategies are of no avail, and then you can press the offensive. Geminis often lack a solid understanding of the basics of any game with which they engage, and will disintegrate into so many warring personalities when their perceived ability to outsmart you fades. Their game plan is based on your game plan. Know your own game.

Crushing a Cancer: Contained Fury

Cancers tend to stick to stratagems where they conserve their power, focusing on defense, and then unleash it all at once, crushing over-intrepid opposition in a defensive counter-strike at your most vulnerable spot. Dont make momma angry. Even in abstract games of skill, Cancer is likely to take things rather personally, and store up their desire to counter-attack. Make a Cancer pay for their lack of aggression. Take the ground they give and hold it. Press the attack and stifle their desire to accumulate power. Disturb the peace of their arrangements and dont give them a chance to attack back. If you can harry a Cancer sufficiently, they will commit too much to a premature counter-attack, which, if anticipated can be easily crushed. Short version: nip at their heels, harry their flanks. Dont commit deeply enough to be counter-attacked. Bait them until their calm is crippled, and then crush their ill prepared counter-attack.

Leo: Believe In Me

Leo generally brings a well rounded, offensive game. Their attack usually isnt terribly subtle, but its rarely incompetent. Leo believes that it can win. It believes in itself. The power of one. With a Leo, its important to make them feel like their all is not good enough. Make them feel outclassed. Make them believe in you, in your power. Leos confidence can be successfully projected on to you by treating every small victory you achieve as though it were the natural order of things. You are the king of this jungle, and it is just part of nature for them to be inferior to you. Once youve managed to rob the Leo of its belief in itself, it will be begin to subconsciously set you up for victory, and itself for defeat.

Violating Virgo: Prosthetic Castration

Like Gemini, Virgo is usually quite canny. Whereas Gemini tends to formulate an offensive game plan based on their opponents strategic weakness, Virgo tends to organize itself to counter any assaults brought to it. Virgo favors the castration defense, sizing up an opponents strengths and then designing a defense to neutralize the attacker. Know this. Know that Virgo is watching. The Baron recommends that you do not start with your best foot forward when you step into the arena with Virgo. Instead, put forth a phony assault. Let Virgo organize itself around what it perceives to be your strengths. Let Virgo have a token victory or two, and then attack the unprotected Virgo with the full glory of your true strength. Their investiture in an ineffective preparation will put them off balance mentally long enough to you to seize the day.

Make Libra Lose: Play Dirty

Though Libras often dont come off as overly-rule bound, they are. Libras like to know the rules, and they like to use them to their advantage. Libras like to have their contests well defined, honorable, fair. They enjoy games of skill as a type of social interaction. Take that away from them. Dont be friendly. Dont enter into the spirit of mutual contest. Dont share words and energy with them. Remove the element of fun. Then, cheat. Not a lot. Just a little bit. And let them catch you. If its basketball, throw an elbow. If its Monopoly, shortchange them. It wont take much to make them furious. Poor Libras mental clarity and skill is entirely dependent upon their emotional disposition. If you can put them off-balance, youve put them off their game. Try it.

Stepping on Scorpio: The Master-Plan Exposed

Scorpios totem animals are small but deadly, including the whole family of arachnids and the most venom laced snakes. Patient and deadly, the Scorpio is usually waiting for you to make an incautious step so that it spring from the shadows and decimate you. And Scorpio IS waiting for that moment. Most Scorpios have bloated egos when it come to their hidden potency, and just CANT WAIT for everyone to see. Fake a false step and let Scorpio try to seize you in its coils. Once a Scorpios plan is exposed and its venom is ingested, an anti venom can be prepared. Scorpios strength is the master plan. Once exposed, Scorpios plans lose the element of surprise and become just another strategy.

Smashing Sagittarius: Bored to Death

Sagittarius enjoys the spectacular nature of a contest. They revel in the feeling of a plan or movement executed with a high level of skill. Not only theirs, most Sagittarii enjoy an opponent who makes bold, powerful moves as well. They wont be intimidated, only excited by being challenged. And that excitement is the key to defeating them. Make whatever game of skill you are playing boring. Make them attend to details, limit them to conservative moves, and work on stifling glory left and right. By turning a glorious battle into a game of numbers and attrition, you rob them of their spirit. Without proper spirit, a Sagittarius enthusiasm and confidence wane, as well as their attention.

Killing Capricorn: A Plan Can Be a Tomb

Capricorn has a strong grasp of the Principles of strategy, but is often dogmatic in the methods it uses. Capricorn tends to get stuck on what it thinks is the Right way to do things. Find out this right way. Then let them think that its working. Encourage their inability to stray from the plan, and they will become very predictable. An opponent whose movements can be predicted becomes the loser.

Antagonizing Aquarius: Short-Circuit

Aquarius brings a high level of rational planning to the table. Aquarius can construct both attacks and defenses with equal ability, and is generally ready for the next logical move any opponent will make. The key to defeating a clever Aquarius is to depart from the rational paradigm. Make stupid moves. Do things that make no sense whatsoever. Make false moves that seem to accomplish nothing whatsoever. Bring Aquarius out of its logical game plan. Make them believe that they cannot use their logic to predict your next move, and force them to rely on their not so keen senses. Aquarians founder without recourse to logic and principles. Expect their brilliance, and then make an idiot out of them.

Pushing Pisces Around: Dont Believe the Hype

Pisces generally enters the fray by remaining indistinct. A powerful Pisces will suggest several different directions of attack and defense without committing to any of them. Dynamic indeterminacy characterizes Pisces approach. To defeat Pisces, one has to do a few things. First, dont follow their lead. Their movements are designed to trick you into making false moves that they can capitalize on. Ignore theatrics. Also, expect them to attack you in a number of different ways. Expect them to change their angle often. Pisces rarely rely on a tried and true technique or two. Stick to your game plan, and shrug off their attempts to mislead you. Youll find, deprived of an ability to take you off your game, that most Pisces lack the ability to stand solidly toe to toe. Force honest confrontation.

Baron Classics: Mental Failure

2007-11-24T15:46:00.000-08:00

Logical Failings of the Zodiac

In order to help everyone prune their personal tree of knowledge, the Baron introduces a sharpened set of Zodiacal shears. Though you can read your Sun-Sign through the following delineations, those who know will look through the lens of their birth Mercury.

Aries: Mercenary Epistemology

Aries has a battlefield commanders understanding of truth. It is not particularly prejudiced against unorthodox or outrageous ideas, but interested simply in whether or not it works. Though this may be the preferred episteme in the trenches or in the squared circle, it often prevents the Arien from refining its approach. Though a proposed truth must eventually be validated by the real world, it is by walking the most fragile theoretical rope ladders that some of the most important discoveries have been made. And you sound like an asshole, did I mention that?

Taurus: Truck-Load of Bullshit

The plodding Taurus mind often makes the mistake of relying on precedents to predict the future. The Taurean mind may suffer unduly under the yoke of history, dragging every fact thats ever happened into a situation that may be unique and new. Each situation has its own identity, and by drawing to heavily on supposed precedents, Taurus hauls a cart full of bullshit into every discussion.

Gemini: Besieged Castles in the Sky

In logic, there are two basic places to focus the lens of your critique. You can analyze the relationship of the basic assumptions to the reality they seek to describe. You can also analyze how those assumptions relate to each other. Gemini excels at relating ideas to each other, but is notoriously enfeebled when it comes to testing their ideas relationship to reality. Gemini could be credited with the construction of intricate blueprints for inventions that will never work, as well castles in the sky that no one will ever live in.

Cancer: An Inconvenient Truth

Cancer tends to understand terms only as they relate to their personal experience. Though this provides an excellent way to understand the deep personal implications of an idea, it creates serious trouble when the proposed idea is completely or partially outside of their persons experience. Heaven forbid an idea threaten Cancers brittle little reality bubble.

Leo: Your Truth Is Stupid

Leos, god bless their noble souls, often confuse honesty with truth. The hearts truth may be powerful, but its still stupid. Leo, your truth is stupid.

Virgo: Reductio Ad Boring

Virgo has the opposite problem to Gemini. Virgo will spend its entire life crafting its assumptions about reality without ever relating those assumptions to each other in a meaningful way. Virgo may not be wrong about the facts, but often fails to rise to the challenge of meaning. Lame.

Libra: Flirting With Truth

Never stating the argument in clear terms, always phrasing things in forked ways, the Libra treats truth like a seduction, with the double entendre taking precedence over the direct statement. Never making a case that cant be taken in a variety of directions, it becomes possible to always guard against the possibility of being wrong. Having left behind wrong, Libra also releases all claims to right. Flirt with the truth all you want, but youre not getting laid unless you stop the double-speak.

Scorpio: Plutonium-Tipped Drill

Scorpios mind is dedicated to penetration and often well formed enough to drill appropriate holes in any proposition. The Scorpionic mind is so adept at this process that it inevitably sinks the ships of happiness, fortune, and faith. In fact, reality itself yields to Scorpios plutonium tipped drill, and the mind is left disbelieving experience itself. Scorpio may be able to disprove reality, but reality, in the end, disproves Scorpio.

Sagittarius: A Crusaders Truth

Sagittarius is among the worst of the signs when it comes to logical fallacies. Sagittarius tends find truth through vision, metaphor, and god given inspiration. Since the object of their inquiry is difficult to arrive at through logic alone, rationality itself is often left behind. When communicating, Sagittarius tends to point toward the superior results of its beliefs rather than their logical foundations. Though Sagittarius vision is often dead-on, their communication skills are piss-poor.

Capricorn: Daddys Little Thinker

Capricorns, Lord bless their horned souls, tend to argue the truth of things based on their attribution to a deified authority figure. This is the classic logical no-no: the recourse to authority. It is the argument used by children on playgrounds everywhere: My daddy says that the Earth is flat. Well, the Barons Mommy says that the overlap of authority and truth is incidental. So there.

Aquarius: Mr./Ms. Originality

Aquarians do not usually suffer deeply from a lack of method or intelligence, but they make up that by refusing to learn from anyone but themselves. Try testing your local Aquarius in the following way: Say something intelligent which your test Aquarius hasnt been exposed to yet. Wait 15 minutes, and see if they dont restate your idea in their own terms, as if it was the gods own inspiration. Promethean my ass.

Pisces: Compassionate Mess

Pisces mind is often so soggy with the compassion that they cant tell good from evil or left from right. The Baron cant count the number of times hes tried to talk to a Piscean only to be caught in a self-defeating circle of nebulous non-ideas. Dont confuse the ultimately non-judgmental nature of the cosmos with yourself. You are a single spot, with a definite need and position. Relating to the infinite is a positive experience but identifying with it doesnt do justice to your humanity. And its annoying, too.

Baron Classics: Strategy

2007-11-24T15:36:00.000-08:00

A MANDALA OF POWER

Aries: Stomp

The strategy of Aries is to enter into conflict without warning or hesitation and to resolve it before a pattern emerges. The opponent is not allowed to do anything but defend until combat is complete. In the Fire Scroll of the Book of 5 Rings, Miyamoto Musashi writes on stomping down an opponent's attack as he executes it. This means not to allow any further attacks, and to keep attacking unceasingly until the opponent is defeated. One does not permit a combat in which there is an equal and drawn out exchange of blows. Musashi writes: "Stomping is not only done with the feet. You should learn to stomp with your body, stomp with you mind, and of course, to stomp with your sword." This echoes into Robert Greene's 28^th Law Of Power: Enter Action With Boldness.

Taurus: Rhythm

Taurus is associated with constancy of being, but a situation in which there is an opponent implies movement. Constancy of movement is called rhythm, and rhythm is important in all things. As Miyamoto Musashi writes in the Earth Scroll of the Book of 5 Rings, "The way to win at battle according to military science is to know the rhythms of specific opponents, and use rhythms that the opponents do not expect." By understanding the fixedness of the opponent on a certain rhythm, or pattern of rhythms, one can choose a rhythm which cuts through the empty places in theirs. By knowing pattern, one can insert a counter pattern in order to achieve victory. One who is insistent on charging can be tripped, while one who is insistent on backing up can be pushed into a corner. It is through understanding the rhythms of the bull that the matador is not slain.

Gemini: Division

With Gemini it is inevitable that the strategy contains division. The division is between the true and the false. The real strength and real vulnerabilities are concealed while decoy strengths and vulnerabilities are presented. For example, an attack is launched which does not contain one's real strength. In going to meet it, the opponent does not engage with the true threat, and is therefore vulnerable to the strength which has been concealed. In individual contests, this is a feint, which is followed by a planned counter-attack. In large scale conflicts, this is a method for flanking an opponent, or pinching their forces between your own, like a vise. It is expected that if one understands this, then one will not be easily fooled by others who utilize this strategy. The division between the true and false also suggests concealing hurts received, and treating enemies as friends.

Cancer: Panopticon

Cancer's strategy is not taken from the histories of armies' mighty clash. No, Cancer's strategy comes to us from the works of the 20^th century cultural observer Michel Foucault. His concern was not the employment of weapons on the battlefield, but the knots of power by which a society bound its internal contradictions together. He studied the methods by which the State regulated its dissidents. He thus compiled studies of these strategies, not for the use of rulers, but for residents, so that they might recognize and resist these state-directed rivers of power. One of his most influential ideas was the strategy of the "Panopticon," a metaphor derived from a prison design. The prison was shaped like a tire, with the cells on the inside of the tire. In the center of the tire was an observation tower. From the observation tower, it was possible to look into the inside of any of the cells. While the cells had only bars between themselves and the on-looker, the observation tower had tinted glass, making it possible for those inside to observe, but not be observed. Thus the prisoners never knew when they were actually being watched- they only knew that any point they COULD be watched. Thus all of the rules the prison were constantly on the prisoner's mind. Foucault argued that this type of power was increasingly typical of contemporary society.

We don't know if George Bush has been reading out email. We only know he can. America's birthday is on July 4th. What?

Leo: Crush

In his Book of 5 Rings, Miyamoto Musashi writes, "Crushing requires a crushing mood. As when you view an opponent as weak and become strong yourself, thus overwhelming your adversary." Little describes the state of the Leo in war better. Victory may be gained by careful strategy, and proves the abler strategist, but to utterly crush the opponent presents a proof to the world regarding whose right is divine. Crushing is a greater degree of victory that humiliates the opponent. It demonstrates that the opponent was foolish to even engage, thus ensuring the propagation of one's legend and the destruction of theirs. As Musashi suggests, crushing requires a certain state of mind. One must see oneself as singularly capable of utterly devastating the opponent. To convince this opponent of this reality is to ensure victory. However, if one's force is not sufficient to the task, one's conviction is not sure, and the opponent does not share this view point, the "crush" can backfire on the "crusher", resulting in a loss of morale as well as an enfeebled position. More can be learned through an examination of Robert Greene's 15^th Law of Power "Crush Your Enemy Totally."

Virgo: Inhibit

Virgo's strategy is to inhibit the useful and to allow only failure. In the Book of 5 Rings, Miyamoto Musashi writes about "Holding Down the Pillow." This is the strategy of Virgo. One perceives the opponent's intention to act, and then inhibits the action. As Musashi puts it, you "inhibit an opponent's cut from the letter c." All useful actions are inhibited in this manner, while all actions not leading to any advantage to be allowed, even encouraged. Thus the opponent is led to a place of impotence. Frustration increases impotence, and leads to desperation. The desperate have lost.

Libra: Taunt/Seduce

When dealing with an opponent, be they an army, an asshole at a party, or your super-villain arch nemesis, timing is everything. To be able to anticipate an attack is to be able to defeat it. Libra is intensely aware of this. Thus is it is not Libra's strategic nature to attack first. Libra would rather the opponent expose themselves first. Ever so much better if the opponent's attack is hurried, sloppy, and imprecise. One's counter attack is sure to be devastating. This is where the taunt comes in. Libra's strategy is to entice the opponent into attacking prematurely by any means necessary. The insult or taunt and the seduction or lure are the two methods used to do this. The insult or taunt unbalances the opponent in the direction of anger in order to cause them to advance. The seduction or lure dangles irresistible bait before an opponent, unbalancing the mind with the promise of pleasure and causing them to advance prematurely. Both the boxer who intentionally leaves a body part unprotected, and a woman wearing a very short skirt are examples of this strategy. The hasty attack is then countered brutally.

Scorpio: Terror

When we deal with Scorpio, it is difficult to isolate a single strategy. The waters of Scorpio are inevitably clogged with a thousand maneuvers, but many of them can be boiled down to right use of the principle of fear. Niccolo Machiavelli is famed for his statement that it is better for a ruler to feared than loved. Scorpio knows and believes this. Establishing the capability for awful retaliatory violence, whether emotionally, physically, or mentally, the Scorpio is able walk confidently knowing that none dare risk their wrath. By establishing the capacity for vengeance and then concealing their position, fear eats at the minds of potential opponents. Not knowing what will trigger the outburst of violence, all tread carefully. This can be likened to a sniper in a concealed position or the threat of assassination. Fear paralyzes opponents and causes them to second guess their actions. It should be noted that this is the primary tool of the terrorist.

Sagittarius: Crusade

The strategy for Sagittarius is a tactic used to control a populace as well as an opponent. Sagittarius declares holy war. This technique has many advantages. It forces the concealed to reveal their positions or to side with you out of fear, thereby either cowing or defining you opponents. By polarizing the conflict between you and the declared opponent, you appear to be "Right" while they are "Wrong." By identifying "Right" with your interests, and "Wrong" with their interests, it is impossible for you to appear wrong, and impossible for the opponent to appear correct. Confused by the complexities of ethics, many people are happy to place these difficult questions into the hands of others. People flock to someone who will define and then defend a moral code for them. The one declaring the crusade also benefits from appearing to the most moral- according to the definition used to start the crusade! In addition, as people lose interest in the crusade, they find that it is not easy to leave, because by leaving a crusading group, you become the enemy- thus- a traitor.

Capricorn: Position

Capricorn, whether its natives accept it or not, is the motherland of strategy, and thus its strategy is the mother of strategies. The name of that strategy is to attack from a superior position, utilizing the advantages of that position to defeat the opponent. But what is superior position? With terrain, it may be higher ground. In an argument, it may be a position backed by authority. But these are all simple examples. What makes a position superior is one's understanding and use of it. The king who does not understand how to use his position is in an inferior position to the slave who knows the hidden advantages of his perfectly. Thus to understand the setting of the theatre of battle, to choose the best position, and to use the advantages of that position are the proper way. Knowledge of the weaknesses of the opponent's position is the counterpart of this understanding. When an army is in a forest, they may be burned out. When they travel through a marsh and movement is inhibited, one's archers should attack. Each position has advantages and disadvantages. The knowledge of these leads to victory. Though he plays the clown, many movies starring Jackie Chan work with this principle. By superior understanding of the environment, the "weaker" one prevails.

Aquarius: Unorthodoxy

Aquarius is concerned not merely with ideas, but with the significance of ideas at a given time. The inventor exemplifies one who understands the ideas whose time has come. The same applies in strategy. In the Art of War, Sun Tzu writes about the orthodox and the unorthodox . One approaches in an orthodox manner, and yet, "The one who excels at sending forth the unorthodox is as inexhaustible as Heaven." This refers to the understanding of when and why to deviate from the normal and safe in order to achieve victory. It is dangerous to experiment with new equipment or strategy when what is valuable is at stake, but it is the completely unfamiliar yet appropriate that circumvents all existing knowledge an opponent may have. Significance of the innovation to the moment is the key to the proper use of the unorthodox, and may be what many call genius.

Pisces: Mythology

As with the other Water Signs (Cancer, Scorpio), Pisces' strategy is primarily based in understanding and manipulating the psychology of the opponent. While Cancer utilizes the threat of an omnipresent parental awareness to unbalance the mind, and Scorpio the fear caused by sudden and terrible violence, Pisces finds its strategy in the beliefs of its opponents.

Pisces is concerned with the manipulation of the opponent's interpretation of events, the control of meaning. Pisces utilizes the beliefs of the opponents to psychologically maneuver them into a place where they are defeated. To do so, Pisces utilizes the cultural meanings that facts have taken on. For example, the Moon was the symbol of the Persian Empire at the time of Alexander the Great. During a battle when Alexander fought the Persians, there was an eclipse of the Moon. This fact- the physical eclipse of the Moon- was interpreted to mean that the Persians would be eclipsed by the armies of Macedonia.This boosted Alexander's morale and depressed the Persians. To capture an opponent's flag is not victory, but it is a symbol of victory which goes on to create the actual victory it only symbolizes. By understanding how people interpret events, events can be construed as natural proofs of one's victory- its fated nature. This strategy of language and interpretation may be studied extensively in the works of Roland's Barthes' "Mythologies." Successfully "Mythologizing" one's victory provides an excellent segue into "Crushing" -see Leo.

Disclaimer: If you do not take every word of these horoscopes into you with the utmost faith, you will die. Statistics bear this out. Simply scan the newspapers. You will find that an overwhelming majority of the people that die each week DID NOT read the Baron's horoscopes. If your newspaper or your mom's website are interested in publishing the Baron's weekly prophetics, shoot this old guy an email at Dr.Coppockalypse@gmail.com. The Baron is also available for birthdays, weddings, funerals and orgies. Oh, and astrological consultations. There's that, too.

Baron Classics: Self-Undoing

2007-11-24T15:29:00.000-08:00

The Zodiac of Self-Undoing

The Baron deigns to delineate a general mandala to help dredge the deeps of each signs addictive direction. Note: These are directions, not absolute predictions. They outline a faultline common to whatever force operates in the style suggested by the sign.

Aries: The Ram

Aries addiction is focused on a variety of subconscious barriers that prevent them from manifesting their real potential. This addiction to lazy-ness and time wasting generally focuses on indulging in premature experiences of potential realized instead of the painstaking work of trudging towards said potential. Potential is projected onto fictional characters and personal heroes who are kept separate from personal potential. Instead of providing a light house by which to guide personal development, instead, they define the limit of growth. Excessive consumption of anti-hero media and idolization of cartoon characters is symptom. Also, drugs taken to replicate a more advanced state than the Aries has actually attained is common, making for unstable performance and dependence on aids for proper manifestation.

Taurus: The Bull

For Taurus, the temptation to laziness and pleasure is easy to identify, though it is not so much a problem as much as danger of success. The real barrier to success in the case of many Tauruses stems from impatience, and the vestigial belief that all affairs and people can be muscled through. Though the Taurus has a somewhat placid surface, there is a tendency to push the people in their life around. This secret selfishness creates a tangle of half-conscious passive aggressive conflicts with people who feel bullied, but often don't exactly know why. This situation leads to escapism by creating a superficial peace via overconsumption of food, overindulgence in sex, and wallowing in chemical habits that erase the harsh lines of the underlying conflicts which stab upward into awareness.

Gemini: The Twins

For Gemini, what lurks beneath the conscious level is the earth itself. Gemini's ability to soar into self-created realms is juxtaposed by the chilling drops back to things-the-way-they-are. These flips from potency to imprisonment are easily understood by means of the myth of the twins, one dark and one light. These drops into the darkness of impotence create a fear that all that Gemini creates lasts only as long as the mania which powers it. This often sets up a deep insecurity regarding the value of the Gemini's work, as well as questions about the ability to follow through and complete anything. This set of fears often drives people with strong planets in Gemini to go to unhealthy lengths to stay aloft and hyper-energized. Addictions to stimulants, mind-enhancing chemicals of all types, and overconsumption of fast-food entertainment are common methods of avoiding the dreaded drops. These, however, prevent Gemini from reaching a state of integrated power by artificially widening the manic-depressive divide.

Cancer: The Cancer

For Cancer, the issues from which addiction springs are those of a divided heart-mind. The inherent urge to set down deep emotional roots (or tentacles) is problematized by a deep uncertainty about the object of attachment. This leads to a boiling subconscious sea of doubts and contradictory behavior. Attempts to avoid or quell these doubts artificially are often the type of addictive or self-imprisoning behavior. Chemicals or artificial experiences that return the Cancer to a simplified, emotionally oriented approach to life are typical. Alcohol and other downers are a good tool for this. These regressive experiences create a repressed set of contradictory motivations that sometimes boil over into quasi-psychotic behavior that destroys the very connections that they consciously nurture, sometimes by forming an opposing and exclusive set of connections, like having 2 families.

Leo: The Lion

For Leo, a fear of dependence is often the root issue behind self-destructive, self-imprisoning, and addictive behavior Beneath the sunshine of self-empowerment, Leo is often paralyzed by knowledge of its origins. The tender emergence from the childhood shell as well as all people and energy that go into making the successful Leo radiant is both a blind and soft spot. The dependence of the performer on the audience, and the dependence of nobility on the people ruled is the dependence that Leo often turns away from. This creates a false confidence, a insecure and therefore hungry egotism, and a destructive narcissicism. Leo's self-destructive behavior loop is to create a dramatized play of self-destruction, which they will perform in order to garner the support and care that they consciously deny that they need. Other, more self-controlled Leos may take a dictatorial role in relationships, "making" those close to them take care of them. The coercive nature of this dynamic prevents them from feeling dependent, since they "control" the support given to them.

Virgo: The Virgin

Virgo is a sign concerned with intelligent manipulation of the material environment, both internal and external, body and world. The constant act of self reconfiguration makes Virgo rather prone to addictive issues, but also wise in the ways of overcoming them. Virgo's sticking point is often self-esteem. Virgo is often so highly praised for function that become insecure about value of the central and target-less light of self. The resulting addiction to functionality and negligent self-respect is often the basis for issues. An exaggerated case takes drugs to become the perfect tool needed by their life, and then takes drugs to recover from that. They may also take drugs to avoid the mode of consciousness mandated by function. Missing the whole time is a relaxed acceptance of self. Virgo is the pill-popper of the zodiac, with a medicine bag and tool kit designed to chemically alter them into the proper tool for the occasion.

Libra: The Scales

Libra's self destructive behaviors are easy to recognize: laziness, excessive pleasure seeking, and over involvement in doomed relationships. The origin of this behavior is rarely the pleasure of the act, but often comes from a sincere desire to avoid any real work. A disdain for solitary, uninspired drudgery is paramount. This often includes careful work on any creation, most especially the self. There is often an unconscious belief that they do not have the capability to bring anything to completion. Editing and perfecting bring up this insecurity, and projects are abandoned in favor of something fun, something that does not bring up deep insecurities.

Scorpio: The Scorpion

For Scorpio, condemned behavior is reputed to be the norm. But taboo behavior is not the same as self-destructive behavior. Scorpio's direction is to unearth the pearls of wisdom buried within banned books and outlawed behaviors. Daliance with illegal substances is by no means the same as self-undoing. For Scorpio, the set of issues that turns flirting with death into heavy petting is usually loneliness. Being made to make its own way, Scorpio is equipped with the tools to ignore idiots and drive straight to the personal core of the matter, regardless of opinion. The very boldness that makes Scorpio what it is also drives others away and destroys social harmony. Scorpio's numerous unmet social needs deform their explorations. Bloating relationships with inappropriate intensity on one hand, and avoiding normal, balanced, relationships on the other hand is common. Alcohol is a Scorpio favorite, as it over-rides the excessive self-control that deforms their social patterns.

Sagittarius: The Archer

Sagittarius distributes its energy far and wide. Sagittarius primary function is to distribute the vision of its ideal as far and wide as possible. The rider stops just long enough to set fire to each house or heart before moving on. What is missing is a permanence of exchange, a depth and duration of intersection. This missing portion of life is partially responsible for the many Sagittarian excesses. Too many drugs and too much sex is a way for Sagittarians to temporarily overcome their knowledge that they must march onward and actually share an experience, rather than just providing a spectacle. This leads to a variety of bizarre attachments to people and places that only surface when Sagittarius loses conscious control. The revelry that may start in the name of good times often deepens into the surfacing of a deep and terrible need for human contact. Drugs that keep Sagittarius thinking that everything can be controlled and therefore do not expose them to this vulnerability are often favored (addiction to sobriety is possible). In other cases, obsession with the few experiences that create intimacy, however intimate, is also common.

Capricorn: The Sea-Goat

Capricorn knows its way around tight spaces and narrowed choices. Its this very placement in space and time that disposes Capricorn to its style of self undoing. A sometimes too-acute sense of reality leads to complete reality-denial, with the same crusty foot-planted stance Capricorn takes on practical matters. This attitude often becomes a "I can do whatever I want" stubborn-ness that, in fact, means, "I can do exactly what I think is a terrible idea." Capricorn is big on using up material resources for unnecessary extravagance as a way of cutting the ground out from under themselves, and making their ambitions impossible to achieve. Gambling and a whole host of chemical abuses are preferred methods of autodeconstruction.

Aquarius: The Water Bearer

Aquarius' plunge into the personal abyss of self-undoing is often most evident in their material position. The constrained material position that cannot do justice to Aquarian ideas comes about for several reasons. First, it creates a situation where the experimental ideas that occur to Aquarius will never have to be tested for value, thus allowing the Aquarian to continue an unblemished connection to the theoretical purity of their ideal. A constrained situation is also a result of a deep misunderstanding of human organization. The stated Aquarian ideal of justice and equality is contradicted by a deeply alienated and aristocratic disposition, wherein one believes that other cannot possibly be like them. This leads to a bifurcation in self-esteem, where the self, not able to be equal, is assumed to be either inferior or superior to others. The ideal of quality is a fantasy wherein the painful question itself dissolves.

Pisces: The Fishes

Pisces rivals Virgo for King/Queen of self-defeating behavior. Pisces' quest to redeem the residents of the exotic and terrifying layers of the psyche makes them inherently vulnerable to them. The residents of these layers are the root of self-undoing behaviors, such as addictions. Pisces is fated to deal with these characters, either by consciously putting them to work or being lionized by them. When Pisces has accepted this facet of fate, they are prone to anything which will dull the often sharp edges of their exploration's emotional impact. When they are in denial of the ultimate necessity of blending the yin and yang of psychological life, addictive behavior becomes even worse. It is not dark or light that Pisces must choose between, but the choice between both or one. If Pisces picks dark, it loses its transformative power and drowns in lightless depths, whereas when they choose only to side with the light, they become the most irritating bible bangers, proselytizing their pseudo-salvation. Addiction for Pisces takes any and all forms, but the root is an addiction to a set of beliefs which deny the polarity and dynamism of their experience.

Disclaimer: If you do not take every word of these horoscopes into you with the utmost faith, you will die. Statistics bear this out. Simply scan the newspapers. You will find that an overwhelming majority of the people that die each week DID NOT read the Baron's horoscopes. If your newspaper or your mom's website are interested in publishing the Baron's weekly prophetics, shoot this old guy an email at Dr.Coppockalypse@gmail.com. The Baron is also available for birthdays, weddings, funerals and orgies.

Baron Classics: Relationships

2007-11-24T15:24:00.000-08:00

(W)HOROSCOPES!

The Baron tells it like it is about the 12 tribes of the zodiac in the state of relationship. You know in your heart you've always wanted it. It's time for (w)horoscopes, bitches!

Special Note: For double-plus good reading fun, remember to read the (w)horoscope of someone you despise as well as yourself. It will make you feel better.

Aries: You're Invincible!

You're so tough! Your spit-fire spirit just never lets up. No, that's not true. It consistently crashes and burns, as your inflated expectations smash into the hard brick wall of reality. You're left bleeding and unconscious. You tend to wake up in bed, magically bandaged and ready to get back to the battlefield. But its not magic. It's the people close to you who prop you up and patch you up when you're broken and battered. You won't lose people's love or admiration if you drop the tough guy/girl act, you'll earn it.

Taurus: Meatsy

You are not being used. And if you are, it's probably your own goddamn fault. Offering yourself up like a financially solid slab of roast beast has its own consequences.

Gemini: Cut the Inner Dialogue

You are not that interesting. Your thoughts are not that important. I know that you are interest-ed in getting to know yourself better, but that's because you are a shattered mirror of a person, and hope that by gazing at your reflection in each and every sharpened fragment you will someday regain unity. As exciting as your psychological odyssey may be to you, it bores the shit out of your loved and liked ones to hear you narrate the pointless conversations that go on within your head. Get out of your narcissistic self dialogue and speak to the people in your life like they're something other than an audience for your inner drama.

Cancer: No Use Crying Over Poured Milk

Take a step back. You have a dream of being able to pour yourself endlessly into another person, and having them pour back into you. Like water exchanged to and fro between two (of) cups. This wet dream leaves no place for any independence or identity from the relationship. It is almost impossible to extricate water from one cup that's been poured into another. Some of your dreams of losing your ego into other people are romanticized escapism and a premature mysticism. Wanting independence from the relationship does not mean that they don't care. It means that they are normal, healthy, and sane, and want to stay that way. .

Leo: The Heart's Crematorium

You can be a gentle centered light, beaming warmth into all those around you. You can also be a hungry bonfire of vanity, out of control and unable to meet your own oppressive ego needs. Those close to you often get tossed into the furnace of your self-image. Remember to pour a little bit of that 40 oz on the ground for those who support and feed the staggering weight of your self-importance in times of need.

Virgo: Ah, Perfection

You do all the right things. Just like a robot! How often your selfless acts of service become belittling guilt-trips. Favors become razor cuts, slowly draining the life blood from the partnership until your partner is just as lifeless, perfect and pose-able as a mannequin. There's more to love than doing the dishes for someone.

Libra: Place-Holder

You are a co-dependent weakling. You don't always get attached to one person, and may even spend periods of time alone, but you're rarely able to function effectively without someone else to define you. You romanticize your psychological dependence on people in order to justify your relationships and make your partners feel special when they are often just place-holders. Try seeing yourself without another person.

Scorpio: Gross Injustice (Yuck)

Your presence bribes people with the promise of a hot, dirty coiling of flesh and energy. You can give up to the moment, but the rest of the time you focus maniacally on controlling the emotional exchange. Your preferred formula goes something like this: You inject your every negative moment into the other, and suck what little happiness they have out of them to replenish yourself when you're feeling low. You get their good, they get your bad. There is a deep, fear based, inequality in the way that you deal with people in personal relationships.

Sagittarius: Theoretical Problems in Astrology

Relationships, you? Sag, how did you get into this column? Shouldn't you be off chasin' tail? Supposing its possible for you to find itself in a serious relationship, there would be problems. You would probably ignore the person before and after sexy-time. You would probably also have a hard time seeing the relationship from any perspective but your own idealized, myopic one. Your partner would also probably also suffer greatly at the expense of your narcicissm and impossible self-image. This is all hypothetical, of course.

Capricorn: After 5000 Years, I'm FREE!

You're wonderful. At first. Put together and tight laced, you're on your best behavior until you've gotten a commitment from someone. Then the seal is broken, and the ancient demon is released from its terrible prison. This demon is intent on creating misery. It doesn't seem to care whether its you or the other person that's miserable, as long as somebody's helpless and in pain. Show the person you're close to a fraction of the respect you'd show your boss, and keep the devil on a leash.

Aquarius: Blah Blah Blah

You're smart. Well, you think a lot. That's something. I guess. Regardless, you somehow seem to be able to fit every event in a relationship into a gigantic over-arching super-structure of explanations and rationalizations. It all makes sense to you. And it better make sense to your loved ones in exactly the same way. Either that, or they're in for long, boring tirades where you "explain" the relationship. Why does it have to be explained?

Pisces: Poor You!

You are good at relationships. It is just by COMPLETE COINCIDENCE that everyone that you're in a relationship with isn't. Don't change. There's nothing wrong with you except your "luck." And that's not your fault, is it?

Astrology Nov. 19-25: Status Report

2007-11-24T14:59:00.000-08:00

Vol. 114: Status Report

This week the Sun moves into Sagittarius on Friday, just after Thanksgiving, followed shortly by a Full Moon on Saturday. This shifts some of the spotlight away from the clinging problems produced by Mars Retrograde and onto the potential benefits promised Jupiter in Sagittarius. And it is here, between cloying conflicts and a success just over the horizon, that we will stay for the next several weeks.

Mars Retrograde: Well Spoken

Last week Mars went retrograde, making what astrologers call a phasis, an "appearance that speaks." And speak he did. Within 24 hours of Mars going retrograde, Chile experienced a 7.7 earthquake, and a massive typhoon pounded the unfortunate country of Bangladesh.

Instead increasing in volume, the internecine conflict between the democratic party went retrograde at the widely watched democratic debate in Las Vegas, Nevada. Instead of being goaded forward to tear pieces from one another, the candidates, especially John Edwards, were booed for their mudslinging attacks. Mars retrograde, indeed.

This retraction of a combative stance is characteristic of the retrograde. It is Mars' usual office to aid people in asserting their identities. It is an energy that provides support for the activities of the ego. Retrograde, Mars suggests a retraction of the ego in order to prevail in the many conflicts that have emerged in the lead up to Mars' retrograde.

On a personal level, it is as if Mars has entered the underworld in order to be reborn. Just as Venus entered an underworld this summer, Mars enters into a period where he retracts his energies from the current conflicts and walks through a twilight state of transformation. Pursuit of unnecessary conflicts will be especially disastrous during the coming months.

Jupiter and Pluto: Big Shots

After Mars' speaking appearance, the Sun moves out of Mars' nightside domicile, Scorpio, and enters Sagittarius. As we adjust to the strange situation of a retrograde Mars, concerns shift to Jupiter. As Scorpio is the charnel storehouse of Mars, Sagittarius is Jupiter's hyperactive crackhouse. Jupiter, in Sagittarius since last December, is headed for a conjunction early this December with Pluto.

This conjunction with Pluto is especially important, as Jupiter makes this conjunction just before Pluto enters Capricorn, where the dark lord will take up his throne for the next 15 years. Pluto sets up camp in the infernal spaces beneath and beyond the sign he occupies, placing a powerful, mysterious and potentially dangerous undertone on the operations of that particular sign for the entire time he reigns there.

Jupiter conjuncts Pluto every 12 years, with a variety of interesting effects. For those born under its auspices, it can denote a tremendous ambition. It is interesting that the 2 richest men in America, Bill Gates and Warren Buffet, were both born with Jupiter-Pluto conjunctions. Along the same lines, the time surrounding the conjunction is also considered a fine time to open a business, as the tangle of energies that enriches can be harnessed, even if one was not born under them. Caught up with Mars, as it is, the pending Jupiter-Pluto conjunction suggests that confrontations regarding nuclear arsenals are likely to heat up again, with North Korea and Iran both set to re-enter the limelight over the next month.

Horoscopes: November 19^th-25^th

Note on Horoscopes: 12 Fold horoscopes are a way to assess the general condition of the splayed rays of the zodiac. Although not without value, they are a blunt tool, and can only describe the archetypal activity in each power-zone. In order to sharpen the accuracy of the horoscopes, read your Sun Sign if you were born during the day-time, and read your Moon Sign if you were born at night. Reading the Sign in which the Ascendant is placed is always advised.

Aries: You Are Not Alexander, This Is Not The Gordian Knot

Mars' retrograde turn sent many Aries into a panic. The old tricks aren't working, and pushing them harder isn't going to help. During the next few months, your personal power will be in a state of transformation. Not only that, but the form emerging is a strange one, and full of the contradictions one might find in kung-fu movies. "By embracing softness, you will truly become impenetrable." Things like that. Especially highlighted are your relationships. Radical moves to remove yourself from tangled situations will not be effective.

Taurus: "Moo" Is A Sound, Not A Word

Taurus, your social spheres of activity are all lit up like southern California. Communications, most likely regarding a romantic interest, that have been troubled for over a month become clear later in the week, likely prompting a new approach to the situation. If you haven't improved, or at least recognized the need for improvement in your communications, especially your tone, then the following weeks will bring you more evidence of this particularly deficiency.

Gemini: Work, Play, Work

The Sun's movement into Sagittarius lights up your relationships to others and brings a more social tone to the next month, beyond what Thanksgiving gatherings will bring. Your mind is likely bound up in matters of work and problems-solving small financial and physical issues. The Baron recommends balancing your work regimen with the fun provided for by Venus in Libra. Balance is the key word here, because current planetary positions make it easy for you to lose your mind to pleasurable engagements.

Cancer: Little Pinchy Adjustments

As has been promised, Mars has gone retrograde in your sign. The problems that have arisen over the last 2 months connected to issues of self assertion and anger are now in a position to be dealt with. And by dealt with, I do not mean attacked. In fact, you will profit immensely during the coming months by taking an "empty" stance in relationship to others. You will further your aims more effectively by adjusting others subtly towards your viewpoint rather than openly stating your position. If it helps, imagine your little invisible crab minions making pinchy adjustments on everyone you need them to.

Leo: Reinforcements

Leo, as it stands, you sign is hemmed in by problems. Before you are financial difficulties, and vying for a clear shot at your back are a host of personal demons- both your own and other people's. But all is not lost. The Sun's movement into fellow fire-sign Sagittarius this Friday marshals reinforcements to your aid. Heightened vitality and a more positive outlook arrive, and with them an unusual new perspective on conflict mediation.

Virgo: Fortified Position

The Sun's movement into Sagittarius this Friday shifts the spotlight in your life to your home and foundations. With Saturn having arrived in your sign only a few months ago and Mars having gone retrograde in Cancer, its likely that you need to reconfigure your foundations in order to accommodate the changes in progress. With all the bullshit flying around, consider converting your living room into a fortified bomb-shelter, with arrow-slits and vats of boiling oil to help repel couch-invaders.

Libra: Bubble of Balance

Libra, you remain a buoy of balance in the swirling seas of suck. Well, you could remain a buoy of balance, if you felt like it. The current trial for Libra is to utilize the balance coming their way to help mediate the myriad conflicts around them, rather than withdrawing into an insulated bubble of equilibrium. Criticizing the people in your life for being stupid is not enough, you have to help them not be stupid. Consider letting people cling to you. For a change.

Scorpio: Paranoia Carapace

Happy Birthday to the ass-end of the Scorpios. Or should I say tail-end. Prepare to be passed over in favor of turkey-fueled gluttony. You're used to it by now, right? Regarding your forecast, the skies look likely to continue a slow drizzle of feces into your life. Behind the scenes, your worldview is undergoing a painful metamorphosis into something a little less insulated and paranoid. The great and terrible gods have decided to do this by exposing you to just how insulated and paranoid you are. As a thought, try to react to these realizations without insulating yourself with paranoia.

Sagittarius: Working For The Man

Happy birthday, Sagittarius. This year, your fears will disappear, and all of your dreams will come true. Just kidding. If your dreams came true, the world would be a much more irritating place for the rest of us. The Full Moon following immediately after the Sun's entrance into Sagittarius indicates a busy month spent trying to meet your life's many minute requirements. Yes, Sagittarius, you'll be working for Saturn this month. So make sure to dot your i and cross your t's.

Capricorn: Open Positions

Owing to Venus in Libra's influence, Capricorn is currently in a better position than the rest of the zodiacal tribes. However, Mars' retrograde in Cancer will be busy reconfiguring your both your social sphere and what you consider your home base for the next few months. Friends are more likely to be exiting your life than entering at the present moment. Don't fret, they're creating openings that will be filled at a later time. However, you may have to wait until your birthday before you begin interviewing candidates.

Aquarius: Friends In The Right Places

Work and career continue to be the primarily areas of action for you, Aquarius. You are currently making the communications and connections necessary to adjust to the period of change in that area. The Sun's movement into Sagittarius shifts the monthly spotlight onto friends and comrades and opportunities they hold that you may have missed out on earlier in the year.

Pisces: Better Late Than Never

The entrance of the Sun into Sagittarius indicates a key career month for Pisces. It would be gravy, but Saturn in Virgo presents a host of difficulties for you to overcome in the coming week, many of the social. Being quirky and creative is great, but you also need a work ethic and quantifiable results. Scheduling is an important issue, and so is focusing on product rather than process. Establish a good rhythm and you will increase your chances for success.

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