Astrology 19th-25th: Mental Maelstrom

Disclaimer: If you do not take every word of these horoscopes with the utmost faith, you will die. Statistics bear this out. Simply scan the newspapers. You will find that an overwhelming majority of the people that die each week DID NOT read the Baron's horoscopes.

Vol. 136: Mental Maelstrom

The week opens, on Monday, with a Full Moon in Scorpio. This is the second Full Moon in Taurus/Scorpio this year. This is unusual, the astrological equivalent of a Blue Moon. The Sun in Taurus tries to stabilize shifting terrain with its solar gaze, while the Moon in Scorpio demands that the very territory owned by the gaze stays in flux. This repetition lays extra emphasis on the conflicting desire to stabilize and the evolutionary imperative to move forward.

It is interesting to note that this Full Moon in Taurus-Scorpio occurs at approximately the same degrees in the Sidereal (constellation-based) zodiac as the earlier one did in the tropical. This pair of Full Moons also places us back on a rhythm where the New Moon in each Sign takes places before the Full Moon. We’ve been dealing with the opposite for over a year now, where the Full Moon in a given sign happens before the New Moon. A subtle, but important shift to the tidal rhythms behind our time.

On the tail of Monday’s last-minute Full Moon, the Sun strides into Gemini. Mercury is already deep in the shadow of his retrograde in Gemini, and the Sun’s light is desperately needed in these clanging corridors of mind. The Sun’s movement into Gemini shifts the focus from steadying the boat to clearing the mind. As the Sun moves into Gemini, the solar energy expressed by Mars in Leo mutates. The need for self-assertion becomes increasingly tangled in the half-baked formulations of a near-retrograde Mercury.

The week begins with a Full Moon, but it ends with Venus’ entrance into Gemini, where she joins the Sun and a not-quite retrograde Mercury. Venus’ movement into Gemini adds the passionate, emotional, and deeply personal component to the mental vacillations of the soon-to-be retrograde Mercury. Venus’ movement into Gemini completes the configuration that’ll be shining down on us for the next several weeks: Mercury, the Sun, and Venus in Gemini. The Sun, representing the central focus of affairs, Mercury, carrying with it the mind, and Venus marshalling the passions and finances all move slowly towards June 8^th, when they will align within a single degree, bringing things to a head. Wait for it.

In short, we stride uncertainly from the unstable pasture of Taurus into the wild mental winds of Gemini.

Horoscopes: May 19^th-25^th

Note on Horoscopes: 12 Fold horoscopes are a way to assess the general condition of the splayed rays of the zodiac. Although not without value, they are a blunt tool, and can only describe the archetypal activity in each power-zone. In order to sharpen the accuracy of the horoscopes, read your Sun Sign if you were born in the day-time, and read your Moon Sign if you were born at night. Reading the Sign in which the Ascendant is placed is also advised.

ARIES: Memory Aid

The Full Moon this Monday lays one last exclamation point on your finances before the Sun heads into Gemini. Then, on Tuesday, the Sun’s entrance into Gemini will send a spotlight to shed some light on your thought process. Once Venus heads into Gemini this weekend, it’ll be high time to let people know what they’ve been missing: You. Help them remember.

TAURUS: Unsettled Cattle

It’s been a rather dramatic month for birthday bovines. At the end of this week, Venus leaves Taurus, leaving your troubled pasture for the complicated world of Gemini. Second thoughts about everything are likely to come creeping in for the first few weeks Venus is in Gemini. Hold your ground and keep your head.

GEMINI: Identity Calculation

This week Mercury is joined by the Sun and then Venus in your Sign. As your birthday rolls around, the emphasis shifts to you. Mercury’s almost retrograde will likely find you deep in thought but short on words. You’ve likely in the midst of important and esoteric mathematical equations whose end product will be your identity. In the mean time, assign the less mathematically inclined Twin to keep your feet out of your mouth.

CANCER: Thick and Chunky Style

The planets have decided to have a giant party in the deepest reaches of your psyche, and you’re not invited. Expect what’s been pushed aside to pop into your head and other people’s mouths for the next few weeks. These little demons are stirring the cauldron of experience you’ve accumulated over the last 6 months into a hearty and edible alchemical stew. But it will take a while. And it will be horribly poisonous until its done. So keep your fingers out of the pot.

LEO: Special Note

Early this week, the Sun and Moon shine one last ray of light on important changes in the relationship between your home life and professional ventures. As the Sun and Venus enter Gemini, your focus shifts more and more heavily towards a series of negotiations and conversations with friends and fellows in familiar circles. The Baron senses big moves are afoot. Special Note: Don’t be an asshole.

VIRGO: St. Prudence the Boring

As the Sun and then Venus slip into Gemini to join a near-retrograde Mercury, the emphasis shifts solidly to your professional situation. Unresolved questions swarm it like flies around a neglected picnic. Or words around a bad metaphor. If it hasn’t been made clear by either the Baron or the world around you, you need to play it smart and conservative. Enshrine you dreams in prudence.

Libra: Lo Pan

Your directional sense continues to spin free of magnetic north. The Sun’s entry into Gemini on Tuesday will intensify the strength of your free wheeling considerations and Venus’ entrance over the weekend will toss in her emotional and financial 2 cents. Venus’ addition to the maental maelstrom will, however, pull your primary guidance system into the situation, and lend a sense of direction just before Mercury turns retrograde early next week.

Scorpio: The Wacky Arachnid Show

Another Full Moon for you, Scorpio. The bright blue beams decree that the mutations will continue. In fact, transformations of a variety of sorts will be on your mind, in your heart, and under your fingernails consistently for the next few weeks. This focus on changes contrasts with the bold and outgoing energy that has been filling your stinger since Mars moves into Leo. It is as if part of you was weaving a cocoon while another is on stage, tap-dancing.

Sagittarius: Twice as Awesome

The planets are conspiring to fill your social calendar for the next few weeks. What busy-ness has already begun will only grow as the Sun and then Venus enter Gemini this week. You’ll be having conversations with everyone’s evil twin. They’ll take turns speaking with your human half and horse’s ass. They might be able to tell the difference, but you can’t.

Capricorn: Things That Don’t Matter

Capricorn, there’s likely a pile-up of work you need to do in order to make progress in the direction you’ve chosen. Adjustments, corrections, do overs and technical problems are hovering around the coming period, like mildly frightening ghosts. You’ll be fine, as long as you don’t waste your time and energy fighting battles with things that don’t exist or that don’t matter.

Aquarius: Bright Ideas

Developing questions about lovers, life-style and creative projects find fuel as the Sun and then Venus enter Gemini this week. There are dualities emerging that suggest that decisions need to be made, but information is likely currently insufficient. Your relationships are relatively flammable right now, so be careful with your bright ideas.

Pisces: Not Drunk

The situation hovering around your home intensifies this week, as first the Sun, and then Venus roll into Gemini. Expect your foundations on both physical and emotional levels to undergo continuous renovation over the next several weeks. Just don’t expect the crew to show up on time, or not drunk.

Consultation Services: If you'd like a personal consultation with the man behind the mask, message the Baron's mortal vehicle at Xroadsconsultations@gmail.com for details. The Baron is also available for birthdays, weddings, funerals and orgies.

Educational Services: Beginning and Intermediate level Online classes in Astrology and the Tarot held every quarter. Spring quarter classes begin soon. Email Xroadsconsultations@gmail.com for details.

Free Newsletter: Send an email to Nightskystrategies@gmail.com in order to subscribe to the Baron's new online monthly mini-magazine. Issue 1 launches on May 21st.

COPYRIGHT ABYSSAL EPISTLES 2008

Sol in Gemini, Luna in Sagittarius
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DEATH FROM ABOVE,

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Astrology 4th-10th: Old Sun, New Moon

Disclaimer: If you do not take every word of these horoscopes with the utmost faith, you will die. Statistics bear this out. Simply scan the newspapers. You will find that an overwhelming majority of the people that die each week DID NOT read the Baron's horoscopes.

Vol. 121: Old Sun, New Moon

This week's celestial events center around the New Moon in Aquarius, which occurs late this Wednesday. Although the beginning of every lunar cycle is something to take note of, this week's lunation holds a number of distinctions. First, it is a solar eclipse, although one that will only be seen by residents of Antartica. Second, it is marks the Chinese New Year, a holidate celebrated by billions of people. And third, the New Moon occurs on top of a retrograde Mercury and as well as slow moving Chiron in Aquarius, packing it with extra meaning.

Cold Sky

The Solar Eclipse occurs on Wednesday night over cold fields of the Antarctic. Although viewers may be disappointed to miss out on the spectacle of the dark sun, it may very well be for the best. Astrologers of many cultures have come to a similar conclusion regarding the intrusion of the black sun into the daylight sky- it's no good. Forecasters of all varieties predict that the literal darkness of the sun will be followed by a metaphorical darkness in human affairs in the 6 months that follow it. Such was the case for Chile, over which the Solar Eclipse of September sparkled darkly, and then was subsequently smitten with a series of serious earthquakes a few months later. And so perhaps it is best that the dark sun shines only over cold plains of ice.

The Moon's Two Sons

Like every New Moon, each eclipse is worth noting, but this one holds a special distinction of its own. It marks the movement of the Eclipse cycle out of the Pisces-Virgo axis and into the realms of Leo and Aquarius. Virgos and Pisces can heave a slight sigh of relief while Leos and Aquarians are advised to pause for consideration. The movement of the Moon's North and South Nodes, the Eclipse markers, through the terrain of a Sign brings the forces of karma more directly to bear on the zodiacal terrain they traverse.

This cycle sees the North Node in Aquarius and the South Node in Leo. The Nodes' provide an entry to a vast cavern of meanings whose turning tunnels often obscure their relatively simple action. The North Node favors material matters but tends to diminish consciousness in the area that it invades. The South Node, on the other hand, tends to diminish materialization but boost consciousness. In a simple sense, the North Node enriches while the South Node purifies.

In Leo, the South Node eats away at identity. It signals the beginning of a period where works based upon strength of identity alone will be beset with numerous difficulties. The South Node eats away at the structure of identity, converting it back into the raw stuff of self, from which a thousand expressions may issue. It is a prelude to personal rebirth. As the South Node eats through the structure of our identity, the North Node in Aquarius deposits that freed up energy into social concerns on a much broader scale.

This particular turn of the wheel is of especial concern for those born with the Nodal Axis on the Leo-Aquarius axis. This Nodal Return is for you.

Chinese New Year

The annual celebration of the New Year according to the Chinese calendar, takes just after the 2^nd New Moon following the Northern Hemisphere's Winter Solstice. This Friday inaugurates the Year of the Rat. Specifically, it is the Yellow Rat- the "Rat on a Crossbeam." Look for a special supplement on the mechanics and indications of the Chinese New Year later in the week.

Mercury Retrograde, Chiron, and Associates

This inaugural Solar eclipse is not only distinguished by the factors mentioned above, but is also interesting by virtue of the 4 way conjunction of the Sun, Moon, retrograde Mercury, and creeping Chiron.

Mercury retrograde's conjunction with the Sun is the point at which our inverted thought processes approach the heart of the issue at hand. It is not the point of resolution, but the point at which the issue(s) become clear. This tri yearly event happens directly on top of the Centaur Chiron, a planetoid roaming our solar system in the empty range between the orbits of Saturn and Uranus. Although not one of the planets proper, Chiron, like Pluto, has demonstrable effects on a life. Chiron exposes the tend'rest flesh our minds have to offer, pointing to areas that desperately need greater care.

In Aquarius, it is the inability to belong to a group, and the subsequent feelings of isolation and rejection that we're dealing with. The Sun, Moon, and retrograde Mercury's conjunction atop this sore point indicate the next lunar cycle will deal especially with these wounded areas, with a focus on learning to articulate one's feelings of rejection and exclusion.

Horoscopes: February 4th-10th

Note on Horoscopes: 12 Fold horoscopes are a way to assess the general condition of the splayed rays of the zodiac. Although not without value, they are a blunt tool, and can only describe the archetypal activity in each power-zone. In order to sharpen the accuracy of the horoscopes, read your Sun Sign if you were born in the day-time, and read your Moon Sign if you were born at night. Reading the Sign in which the Ascendant is placed is also advised.

Aries: The Ram

The wheels of the year are grinding out some interesting professional developments for Aries. Lots of work and important networking to do. This extra-special New Moon in Aquarius throws a long term light on your relationships to groups and membership within them. Addressing miscommunications in this area is key to getting your war machine back on track after a season of being sidelined.

Taurus: The Bull

Taurus, this New Moon sets the stage for you to begin some serious rethinking of your professional situation. The Sun and Moon align to shine an invisible light on the unspoken words that have veiled the old wounds you're still hurting from at work. The coming weeks will see this insight for the seed of serious change that it is.

Gemini: The Twins

My friends the Geminis are always the ones who suffer most from the triannual retrograde of Mercury. With the recent Mars station in your Sign, the temptation to act like a crazy asshole is even greater than normal. The New Moon this week will concentrate your easily scattered motes of mind onto a set of deep questions about your direction in life. These questions, though painful, will most likely lead to soothing solutions.

Cancer: The Crab

Cancer, this New Moon shines its non-light onto already invisible areas of your life, illuminating secret matters and your connection to what stirs just beyond the current limits of your perception. The gravity of secrets may draw you into your own subconscious or deep into the affairs of others. Either way, there is a wound to address, a small abyss to stitch together.

Leo: The Lion

Leo, the New Moon this week speaks strongly about your relationships, casting a strong ray into this area of your life. The presence of Chiron indicates a wound in these affairs, a wound covered with silences, unveiled with words. This New Moon and an unseen eclipse kicks off a year and half period where the undertow will pull you away from yourself but closer to right relation to others.

Virgo: The Virgin

Virgo, the New Moon this week speaks directly to your work situation. Always the popular topic with Virgo, Saturn in your Sign emphasizes it, and the New Moon this week speaks small volumes about it. Highlighted is your relationship to what you're doing on a daily and hourly basis, as well as your communications with your coworkers. There's a sore spot somewhere in there that's likely to need treatment in the next few weeks.

Libra: The Scales

The New Moon that occurs this week will likely see you seriously re-considering your lifestyle. The two topics on the scales are pleasure, on one hand, and the need for healing on the other. Premature conclusions in this matter may lead to a desire to make rash changes in your lifestyle. Give it time and let the scales do their work.

Scorpio: The Scorpion

The New Moon this week highlights the shifting ground beneath your feet. You may find yourself floating for a bit, not certain where sure footing is. This question of position may take a few weeks to work itself out. It is entangled with a need for communication with those connected to your platform.

Sagittarius: The Archer

The events of this week's New Moon locate themselves primarily within your local social circle. Lacking communications and/or abundant miscommunications likely conceal a small rift between you and your crew. Carefully navigated discussions and thoughtful observations on the situation are the tools you can use to prevent open hostilities.

Capricorn: The Goat

This week's New Moon will dispense its energies into the area of your psyche concerned with value. Although values do not always translate into valuables, its likely that there's a conversation about account pending. This focus on value and values, whether it involves objects or not, connects to a question of personal worth that you'll ponder on and off in the coming weeks.

Aquarius: The Water Bearer

Aquarius, the planetary pile-up occurring on the New Moon this week happens right in your front yard. It's likely you've left important issues under communicated, leaving you more disconnected to certain situations than you ought. It's time to carefully remove the veils from your message. The eclipse that occurs on this New Moon initiates a new period for you, where your priorities will slowly shift from relationships to a growing focus on yourself. This new period will see you seeing yourself in the mirror rather than through other's eyes.

Pisces: The Fishes

Pisces, this alignment of the New Moon, retrograde Mercury and Chiron in Aquarius does not bode particularly well for you. There are a number of forces impeding easy progress right now. Although the difficulty of the situation will erode before the end of the month, the first few weeks of the coming lunar cycle are likely to hold a few annoying surprises. Keep treading water and you'll find yourself downstream from difficulties in a few weeks.

Services: If you'd like a personal consultation with the man behind the mask, message the Baron's mortal vehicle at Xroadsconsultations@gmail.com. The Baron is also available for birthdays, weddings, funerals and orgies.

COPYRIGHT ABYSSAL EPISTLES 2008
Sol in Aquarius, Luna in Capricorn

Astrology Dec. 10th-16th: Empires' Tide

ABYSSAL EPISTLES
The Astrology of Baron Samadhi von Coppockalypse, Ph.D

Disclaimer: If you do not take every word of these horoscopes with the utmost faith, you will die. Statistics bear this out. Simply scan the newspapers. You will find that an overwhelming majority of the people that die each week DID NOT read the Baron's horoscopes.

Volume 117: Empires' Tide

This week, we take a break from our focus on the personal implications of the planet's positions to consider something on a larger scale. This Tuesday hosts the conjunction of Jupiter with Pluto in Sagittarius. This rare event occurs only once every 250 years or so. Jupiter's conjunction with Pluto in Sagittarius is attuned to the life cycles of the collective, and marks a decisive shift in the currents of world history.

When Mars stationed retrograde last month, there were earthquakes and typhoons within the very day. Although it may color the day, the Jupiter-Pluto conjunction in Sag is a historical marker, not simply a single or quick string of events. Each time it occurs, the form of world power begins to shift. An empire, representing a type of power, starts to decay while another, representing the new form of power begins to rise. A quick look at the outlines of Western history during the last 3 of these conjunctions will make the pattern clear.

Jupiter-Pluto conjunction in Sagittarius, 1260 AD:

In 1260, the Mongol Empire began its decline, facing its first decisive defeat by the Mamluks, at Ain Jalut in Palestine. Kublai Khan succeeds mighty Ghenghis Khan, and presides over the Mongol's waning years. Meanwhile, in Europe, the rising hegemony of the Church is marked by the completion of the Cathedral at Chartres, an achievement that took decades to complete. Construction on 3 more cathedral projects begins soon after. These cathedrals marks the growing power of the Church as the dominant force which binds all of Europe. Papal hegemony up, Mongols down!

Jupiter-Pluto conjunction in Sagittarius, 1509 AD:

The next conjunction of Jupiter and Pluto in Sagittarius happens in 1509. Just as 1260 marked the hegemony of papal power with the Cathedral at Chartres and the decline of the Mongol threat, 1509 hosts 2 events which mark the end of Church ascendancy in Europe. The first is the coronation of England's notorious Henry the VIII. Henry the VIII was the first European monarch who broke from Vatican power and established state control of religion. The Church of England, the first successful large scale revolt against Rome and is considered to have paved the way for the Reformation. It is also interesting to note that Erasmus' Praise of Folly was also written in 1509. Praise of Folly was a wildly popular satire of the Church considered to be one of the seeds of the Reformation. European Papal power, which was on the rise during the last Jupiter-Pluto conjunction in Sagittarius, now gives way to the sovereignty of the European nations, who spend the next several centuries in ruthless pursuit of every part of the world they can get their hands on. Dueling Monarchies up, Papal power down!

Jupiter-Pluto conjunction in Sagittarius, 1758 AD:

1758 is smack dab in the middle of the 7 Years war, whose immediate consequence was to dethrone France from its position at the head of the European pack. In the following years, both France and England's New World colony undergo bloody Democratic revolutions where the Monarchy itself is overthrown. Although England jumps into the top-spot after France, the shift in power here is not simply from France to England. England becomes the world's first global super-power, a position later usurped by its former colony, the United States. Capitalist super-powers up, dueling Monarchies down!

Jupiter-Pluto conjunction in Sagittarius, 2007 AD:

Which brings us to the present. The United States, the winner of the last round's game, is currently in the middle of what may very well be a "7 Year War," and is facing a host of problems, both internal and external. Health care and education are both in dire need of reform, while slumbering economic titans India, China, and Russia are beginning to stir. Does this mean the end of the United States? Certainly not. But it does mark the end of the era of the Global Capitalist Superpower, begun by England at the last Jupiter-Pluto conjunction in Sagittarius. The world emerging will be shared by many giants, not ruled by one. It is the beginning of Global Feudalism, where the nuclear and economic heavy-weights jockey for control of the world and its resources. It is the world foreseen by cyber-punk writers and post-modern theorists, a world of international corporate feudalism. A world of global tribes. World peace? World government? Not a chance. Check in at the next Jupiter-Pluto conjunction in Sag, 250 years from now. Perhaps then we'll see Karl Marx's prophesied transition from capitalism to communism.

If we examine these roughly 250 year periods, we notice that there is an alternation between periods of unity and multiplicity. The West is united under the Church, whose power dissolves, leaving a pack of competing powers. Then the age of competing powers is overwhelmed by the emergence of the global super-power. The era we are on the cusp of is analogous to the last transition from unity to multiplicity, when the Church's hegemony over Europe was broken and the era of competing European nations ensued. Call it Colonization 2.0.

This is a gigantic topic. Little can be done in this constrained format but to scratch the surface of the political, religious, cultural and economic character of this shift. It is important to note that although the Jupiter-Pluto conjunction marks turning points, it is Pluto's movement into Capricorn in the following decades that sees the structure of the old systems decay while those of the new gain ascendancy.

Now back to your regularly scheduled horoscopes.

Horoscopes: December 10^th-16^th

Note on Horoscopes: 12 Fold horoscopes are a way to assess the general condition of the splayed rays of the zodiac. Although not without value, they are a blunt tool, and can only describe the archetypal activity in each power-zone. In order to sharpen the accuracy of the horoscopes, read your Sun Sign if you were born in the day-time, and read your Moon Sign if you were born at night. Reading the Sign in which the Ascendant is placed is also advised.

Aries: Misguided Missiles

The Sagittarian season is a generally jollier time for you than the cold tunnel of Scorpio. And although a multitude of planets throng about in Sagittarius, Venus is still creeping through Scorpio. You're likely being led to a heightened understanding of how your misguided missiles are impacting those around you. Although you are subject to these lessons in further self-limitation, the general levity of the time will prevent you from getting lost down any holes.

Taurus: Want

Perhaps you could do without the level of unnecessary levity the Sagittarian season brings. The focus for Taurus is still quite squarely set upon the subject of the desire that you're ensnared in. You're likely unsure whether your current obsession is worth your time or if you're trying to dig a tunnel to a treasure that doesn't exist. Venus' coming trine to Uranus will provide the illumination you need in this particular matter.

Gemini: Habit Formation Pattern

The amount of Sagittarius present in the season has had you looking at yourself from angle usually reserved for others. The Sagittarian season may also be temporarily accelerating the rate at which you partake of your bad habits. There are prizes to be won and cash to be had in limiting the amount of time and energy you spend on habits that you see little return from. Think about it.

Cancer: Walk The Line, Sideways

This time is somewhat less joyous for the Cancers than the other tribes of the zodiac. It's likely that you feel awhirl in a series of draining interactions. This particular set of difficulties is in the process of testing and refining your set of responses to having your shell pierced. You will profit by addressing problematic interactions but will cause greater pains for yourself by getting caught in a fight.

Leo: We Don't Negotiate With Leos

Good times and holiday cheer are fine mood altering substances for Leos. But there is a circle of draining and unpleasant interactions coloring your emotional life right now that detracts from otherwise pleasant times. The root of these likely lies in bargains you've made with people and parts of yourself that you never should have negotiated with. Live and learn.

Virgo: Roots

The abundance of planets in Sagittarius likely signifies a number of powerful and positive changes taking place at your foundations. It may be a positive change of residence or simply a replanting of your emotional roots. At the same time, your social circle is looking troubled. Powerful but untrustworthy social contacts may be offering benefits that are not likely to last.

Libra: Weighed Down

The holiday season sees you out and about at social events, but you're having a difficult time getting your Libra on. The stress from your retrograde professional situation is likely affecting your ability to hold on to the mood you'd like to have at your disposal. Don't let moments of imbalance weigh too heavily on one side of the scales. Your perspective on the situation is soon to change.

Scorpio: Flux Capacitor

Venus' ongoing visit through Scorpio's dark abode and the bonanza of planets in Sagittarius indicate a rather tight focus on financial issues, with the likelihood of an opportunity unveiling itself. Despite positive developments, your situation is still in the midst of a several month period where your perspective as well as your location may be in flux. Let go of limiting emotional perspectives and move with things.

Sagittarius: Joop-Joop!

Happy birthday, Sagittarius-es. Consider the holiday explosion of Sagittarius in the skies to be a going away for Jupiter, who has graced your sign for all of 2007. You can thank Jupiter for the extra positivity in your perspective, as well as any get out of jail free cards you may have received this year. What? Not everything went as you wanted it to? Too bad. When Jupiter moves into Capricorn, you'll have even less support. Don't expect the planetary powers to do everything for you.

Capricorn: Black Holes and Quasars

There are both bright and dark stars rising on the horizon for Capricorn. Jupiter's coming movement into Capricorn will provide an entire year of bonus luck for enacting whatever plans you may have, either nefarious or boring. Pluto, on the other hand, will insert a dark and unpredictable element to things for years to come. Regardless, you're moving closer to a situation you innately understand how to work within.

Aquarius: Sticky

As the year winds its way into the holidays you find your finances and professional situation tied into a difficult web of problematic emotional and energetic exchanges. The necessary insight into how to handle these worrisome connections is emerging this week, and should present you with the proper perspective to handle your mutating affairs effectively.

Pisces: Sans Puke

Underneath all this holiday revelry there is a darker undercurrent of problematic emotional exchanges and energetic interactions that you've been subject to, Pisces. The necessary insight to deal with these irritations is on the way this week. In the meantime, you'll have to content yourself to appreciate the aspects of Sagittarian revelry you can handle without vomiting.

Services: If you'd like a personal consultation with the man behind the mask, message the Baron's mortal vehicle at Xroadsconsultations@gmail.com. The Baron is also available for birthdays, weddings, funerals and orgies.

COPYRIGHT ABYSSAL EPISTLES 2007

Sol in Sagittarius , Luna in Capricorn

Baron Classics: Sexual Failure

THE SEXUAL FAILINGS OF THE ZODIAC

The Baron's at your doorstep for Valentines' day, on bended knee with a wilted rose and chocolate box of frosted turds.

Aries: The Ram*

Dont get me wrong. Its not so much that no one wants to have sex with you. Its just that no one ever wants to have sex with you again. People find your confidence attractive until they realize its based on nothing but an edited history of failure. Perhaps being a pushy, defensive mess has enabled you to emotionally bully enough past partners into corroborating your side of the story. You are singularly capable of presenting a sexually confident image without any ability whatsoever to back it up. Good for you! Bad for them!

Early ejaculation alert!*

Taurus: The Bull

Ah yes. A fine meal, some entertainment, the right music and a luxurious bed-spread. I can hear the crickets chirping. Yes, this may be the time of night when the genitals come out. Its too bad that all that staging cant disguise a basic insensitivity to all but the crudest physical sensations. Whether its Bach or Barry Manilow playing, with Taurus it still comes down to the wet game of meat-on-meat. All that faux romance is just setting up their potential partner for Taurus ultimate sexual fantasy: to have a nice, thick, freshly marinated cut of steak (or tofu, for veggies!) slowly wiped up and down their generous form. Oral sex indeed.

Gemini: The Twins**

Geminis have a reputation for liking sex constantly. This has led some deluded fools to the belief that Geminis are hyper-sexual mavericks. Not so. Geminis make up for quality with quantity. Geminis like sex all the time because each session lasts anywhere from 2-4 minutes. Was it good for you? No. Hell no. This need to constantly do it is a pitiful and ill-fated attempt to replace quality with quantity, which, as we have learned from the morbidly obese, simply does not work.

Small wiener alert!**

Cancer: The Crab***

Where to begin? Cancers tend to live in their own worlds, and in these worlds, things are a little different than the one that you and I live in. They have issues with attachment. For example: In Cancers world, surprise anal sex is just a way to say I care about you SO MUCH. So if you find that your Cancer partner is interested in spicing up your love life, just remember that to them, ball-gags and beatings mean a picket fence and marriage.

***Deformed dong warning!

Leo: The Lion

Though it is painful for the Baron to admit, Leos are not technically bad at sex. But as with everything else Leo does, has done, and will do, it is completely ruined by their egotism. Nothing kills the moment like a Leo pausing mid-thrust/lick to tell you about what they just did and how cool it was. In particularly talky cases, the Leo may go onto how it relates to who they are as a person, what they believe, where theyre going in life and... Shut up. Shut it. The Baron recommends ball-gagging a Leo before you have sex with it.

Virgo: The Virgin

Many Virgos will be swift to tell you that theyre not virgins! Ha-ha ha-ho. True, most are not virgins, but they ARE terrible at sex. Virgos are afflicted with a crippling sexual insecurity that lends itself either to a fearful form of chastity or a hideously overcompensated form of promiscuity. The promiscuous form brings all the pleasure of robotics to the act of sexual intercourse. They mechanically perform their role with inanimate sub-ecstasy.

Libra: The Scales of Justice

Suave and debonair or the sly coquette, theres nothing that terrible about sleeping with a Libra, other than the fact that you are probably the 3^rd out of 5 people they will fuck that night. Yay infidelity! Yay STDs!

Scorpio: The Scorpion

Thank god for sluts. Good, honest, old fashioned brain-in-the-genitals-not-worth-a-shit-outside-the-bedroom sluts. The men and women of Scorpio may be a decaying morass of imploding failure in every other area of life, but they ARE good to fuck. Try one yourself. Just make sure to slip out in the middle of the night, because you DO NOT want to be there during when they wake up. Trust the Baron. The Baron knows.

Sagittarius: The Centaur

Sagittarius tends to combine the egotism of Leo with Aries' lack of prowess. Theyre the total package, and theyre out to let you know. Sagittarius has a truly interesting capacity to assume that they are the spitting image of the popular sex symbol of the day. A male Sagittarius looks in the mirror, sees Brad Pitt, and walks through the rest of his day thinking I AM Tyler Durden. The fact that hes mediocre looking and cant fight or fuck makes no difference whatsoever. The same goes for the ladies of Sagittarius. No girls, youre not Brittany Spears, youre some bitch buying pictures of her at the grocery store.

Capricorn: The Sea-Goat

Capricorn, like Janus, Januarys dual-faced monthly guardian, has two opposing sides: horniness and self-control. You would think that would work. You would think that Capricorn would be able to parlay these gifts into a controlled yet passionate explosion. You would think. But in truth Capricorn generally needs you to help overcome their self-control. The only thing that lets you get past Capricorns iron fisted control of their pants-pockets is generally good, old fashioned suffering. A Capricorn must either make you suffer until their twisted libido is roused or be utterly dominated to the point where they need take no responsibility for their urges. Fucked up. Fuck-ed up.

Aquarius: The Water-Bearer

Aquarius approaches sex with a cool, scientific detachment. Consciously or not, they tend to regard sex as an anthropological experiment. I suppose the actual act is alright if you dont mind being interrupted to discuss the theoretical implications of penis/vagina, penis/penis, or vagina/vagina time.

Pisces: The Fishes

The only way you are getting into Pisces fishy drawers is if you are willing to play a role in their insane personal drama. If the Pisces believes that either you are a God, Goddess, angel, demon, Bilbo Baggins or Cinderella, you might just have a decent roll in the hay. On the other hand, if you would like to keep you emotional life from complete and utter destruction, I'd steer clear.

COPYRIGHT 2006 ABYSSAL EPISTLES

Baron Classics: RPG Nerdiness

NERDOSCOPES!

Having comfortably violated the laws of time and space, the Baron has no problem violating those of good taste. Thats right, from the bowels of your wasted childhood comes the unwanted, the hateful, the nerdy: Fantasy Role Playing Game Horoscopes! Thats right. Ever wonder what character class you would play if your were really being honest with yourself? Probably not. And so the Baron has wondered it for you.

Aries: The Barbarian

Aries, you are the Barbarian class character. Basically a fighter, you lack the civility common even to the average mentally deficient footman. But you have more hit points per level (d12, bitches). Aries, this reflects your primary attribute- your high constitution score. You may not be bright or charming, but you can take a beating and keep on keeping on like few in this world. In addition, you come ready with wilderness survival skills fresh from your primitive home. Not only that, but, as anyone who has spent any significant amount of time around you knows, you have a totally sweet berserker rage attack that gives you massive damage bonuses. Which is, honestly, the last thing you need.

Taurus: The Thief

Honestly, Taurus is not an adventuring type of sign. If we were being truly honest, Taurus character class would be Good Eater. But that just doesnt fit in with this weeks theme, and therefore the Baron is forced to grant you a character class. And Thief it is. As a Thief, you arent in the epic adventure for the epic adventure. Youre in it for the money. Taurus, all of your skills are designed to help you get things and avoid conflict. And Taurus, if youre honest with yourself, you will find that these are the very same goals your real-life skills cluster around.

Gemini: The Bard

More than just a singer, the Bard is an extremely flexible character class. Bards combine elements of the wizards spell-casting ability and the fighters battle-readiness along with unique persuasive abilities. Like Gemini, they are extremely flexible offensive resources with little staying power. The Bard is an excellent supplement to an attack force, but are somewhat fragile and need to be healed constantly. Sound familiar?


Cancer: The Healer

Yes, Cancer, you are the Healer of the party. Also, like a nagging mother, you provide the moral compass of the party, constantly second-guessing its members and generally making them feel insecure. This gives you more opportunity to heal them. Its good to needed, right?


Leo: The Fighter

Big hearted and small minded, Leo is the classic Fighter. Leo is out to represent, but what the thing to be represented is not entirely clear. As the Fighter class, it doesnt matter! You just give a big yell, run into combat, and sword things until they die. If only life asked nothing more of you

Virgo: The Assassin

Virgo is the Assassin. Morally bankrupt and sadistic with a mind for details, Virgo combines aspects of the Thief and the Fighter in a character class that is too weak for frontline combat but not skilled enough to be useful in any other capacity. No, Virgo, in real life, as well as fantasy role-playing land, it is your role to skulk in the shadows, jealously analyzing the weaknesses of other characters before striking the mortal blow.

Libra: The Illusionist

You, Libra, are a magician. Not a stage magician. Theyre fake. A real one. You are the mighty Illusionist. Capable of creating illusions. Fake things. False appearances. Unlike the lowly stage magician, you are capable of creating REAL illusions. Realfakethings. Yeah. Hmm. Youve got power, I guess. Right. Huh. Sorry about that.

Scorpio: The Psionicist

The control of the world via the minds subtle wavelengths has always been you forte, Scorpio. And therefore your fantasy role-playing class is clearly the Psionicist." You engage in subtle discipline in order to bend both other people and your own body to your will. The Psionicist class is extremely flexible, and able to fill a variety of roles. However, each and every one of those role includes being the creepy guy/girl at the back of the party with the hypno-eyes.

Sagittarius: The Paladin/Anti-Paladin

With your faith in light or darkness guiding you, you, Sagittarius, are the Paladin/Anti-Paladin. Your acts of good (or evil) faith are your hallmark. Either way, youre not changing your mind; youre changing everybody elses. Astride your high horse, because you ARE that high horse, you sweep through the country side in order to convert or conquer the heathen. As in real life, you are the most annoying character in the game.

Capricorn: The Monk

Though it would be fair to assign Capricorn the Monk character class because of their solid approach and inner discipline, Capricorn is far more often than not the enemy menacing the fair heroes of the story. Capricorn either embraces internal structure and works diligently to achieve the inner perfection of the Monk, or gives into their rebellious streak, seeking to master the world rather than themselves. This is one of the primary psychological formulas for villainy, and you Capricorn, complete the equation.

Aquarius: The Magic-User

Between the frazzled, mentally over-active manner and the feelings of social alienation, you are the classic wizard. Face it, youve been trying to been trying mix magic and technology your whole life. And now, in the sweet bosom of fantasy role-playing games, you can pretend you have the magic powers you pretend you have in real life! Sweet, sweet imagination.

Pisces: The Cleric

Pisces, you are the last priest/ess of some obscure god or goddess. And you are out to muhfuckin represent. Though you have some healing abilities and arent completely worthless in a melee, your primary job in the party is to call down the wrath of your little-known deity and wreak havoc on the impure. Its just your way of leading people back to the source. Thy Will Be Done.


Disclaimer: If you do not take every word of these horoscopes into you with the utmost faith, you will die. Statistics bear this out. Simply scan the newspapers. You will find that an overwhelming majority of the people that die each week DID NOT read the Baron's horoscopes.

If your newspaper or your mom's website are interested in publishing the Baron's weekly prophetics, shoot this old guy an email at Dr.Coppockalypse@gmail.com. The Baron is also available for birthdays, weddings, funerals and orgies.

Copyright 2006 ABYSSAL EPISTLES