Baron Classics: Sexual Failure

THE SEXUAL FAILINGS OF THE ZODIAC

The Baron's at your doorstep for Valentines' day, on bended knee with a wilted rose and chocolate box of frosted turds.

Aries: The Ram*

Dont get me wrong. Its not so much that no one wants to have sex with you. Its just that no one ever wants to have sex with you again. People find your confidence attractive until they realize its based on nothing but an edited history of failure. Perhaps being a pushy, defensive mess has enabled you to emotionally bully enough past partners into corroborating your side of the story. You are singularly capable of presenting a sexually confident image without any ability whatsoever to back it up. Good for you! Bad for them!

Early ejaculation alert!*

Taurus: The Bull

Ah yes. A fine meal, some entertainment, the right music and a luxurious bed-spread. I can hear the crickets chirping. Yes, this may be the time of night when the genitals come out. Its too bad that all that staging cant disguise a basic insensitivity to all but the crudest physical sensations. Whether its Bach or Barry Manilow playing, with Taurus it still comes down to the wet game of meat-on-meat. All that faux romance is just setting up their potential partner for Taurus ultimate sexual fantasy: to have a nice, thick, freshly marinated cut of steak (or tofu, for veggies!) slowly wiped up and down their generous form. Oral sex indeed.

Gemini: The Twins**

Geminis have a reputation for liking sex constantly. This has led some deluded fools to the belief that Geminis are hyper-sexual mavericks. Not so. Geminis make up for quality with quantity. Geminis like sex all the time because each session lasts anywhere from 2-4 minutes. Was it good for you? No. Hell no. This need to constantly do it is a pitiful and ill-fated attempt to replace quality with quantity, which, as we have learned from the morbidly obese, simply does not work.

Small wiener alert!**

Cancer: The Crab***

Where to begin? Cancers tend to live in their own worlds, and in these worlds, things are a little different than the one that you and I live in. They have issues with attachment. For example: In Cancers world, surprise anal sex is just a way to say I care about you SO MUCH. So if you find that your Cancer partner is interested in spicing up your love life, just remember that to them, ball-gags and beatings mean a picket fence and marriage.

***Deformed dong warning!

Leo: The Lion

Though it is painful for the Baron to admit, Leos are not technically bad at sex. But as with everything else Leo does, has done, and will do, it is completely ruined by their egotism. Nothing kills the moment like a Leo pausing mid-thrust/lick to tell you about what they just did and how cool it was. In particularly talky cases, the Leo may go onto how it relates to who they are as a person, what they believe, where theyre going in life and... Shut up. Shut it. The Baron recommends ball-gagging a Leo before you have sex with it.

Virgo: The Virgin

Many Virgos will be swift to tell you that theyre not virgins! Ha-ha ha-ho. True, most are not virgins, but they ARE terrible at sex. Virgos are afflicted with a crippling sexual insecurity that lends itself either to a fearful form of chastity or a hideously overcompensated form of promiscuity. The promiscuous form brings all the pleasure of robotics to the act of sexual intercourse. They mechanically perform their role with inanimate sub-ecstasy.

Libra: The Scales of Justice

Suave and debonair or the sly coquette, theres nothing that terrible about sleeping with a Libra, other than the fact that you are probably the 3^rd out of 5 people they will fuck that night. Yay infidelity! Yay STDs!

Scorpio: The Scorpion

Thank god for sluts. Good, honest, old fashioned brain-in-the-genitals-not-worth-a-shit-outside-the-bedroom sluts. The men and women of Scorpio may be a decaying morass of imploding failure in every other area of life, but they ARE good to fuck. Try one yourself. Just make sure to slip out in the middle of the night, because you DO NOT want to be there during when they wake up. Trust the Baron. The Baron knows.

Sagittarius: The Centaur

Sagittarius tends to combine the egotism of Leo with Aries' lack of prowess. Theyre the total package, and theyre out to let you know. Sagittarius has a truly interesting capacity to assume that they are the spitting image of the popular sex symbol of the day. A male Sagittarius looks in the mirror, sees Brad Pitt, and walks through the rest of his day thinking I AM Tyler Durden. The fact that hes mediocre looking and cant fight or fuck makes no difference whatsoever. The same goes for the ladies of Sagittarius. No girls, youre not Brittany Spears, youre some bitch buying pictures of her at the grocery store.

Capricorn: The Sea-Goat

Capricorn, like Janus, Januarys dual-faced monthly guardian, has two opposing sides: horniness and self-control. You would think that would work. You would think that Capricorn would be able to parlay these gifts into a controlled yet passionate explosion. You would think. But in truth Capricorn generally needs you to help overcome their self-control. The only thing that lets you get past Capricorns iron fisted control of their pants-pockets is generally good, old fashioned suffering. A Capricorn must either make you suffer until their twisted libido is roused or be utterly dominated to the point where they need take no responsibility for their urges. Fucked up. Fuck-ed up.

Aquarius: The Water-Bearer

Aquarius approaches sex with a cool, scientific detachment. Consciously or not, they tend to regard sex as an anthropological experiment. I suppose the actual act is alright if you dont mind being interrupted to discuss the theoretical implications of penis/vagina, penis/penis, or vagina/vagina time.

Pisces: The Fishes

The only way you are getting into Pisces fishy drawers is if you are willing to play a role in their insane personal drama. If the Pisces believes that either you are a God, Goddess, angel, demon, Bilbo Baggins or Cinderella, you might just have a decent roll in the hay. On the other hand, if you would like to keep you emotional life from complete and utter destruction, I'd steer clear.

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