In order to help everyone prune their personal tree of knowledge, the Baron introduces a sharpened set of Zodiacal shears. Though you can read your Sun-Sign through the following delineations, those who know will look through the lens of their birth Mercury.
Aries: Mercenary Epistemology
Aries has a battlefield commanders understanding of truth. It is not particularly prejudiced against unorthodox or outrageous ideas, but interested simply in whether or not it works. Though this may be the preferred episteme in the trenches or in the squared circle, it often prevents the Arien from refining its approach. Though a proposed truth must eventually be validated by the real world, it is by walking the most fragile theoretical rope ladders that some of the most important discoveries have been made. And you sound like an asshole, did I mention that?
Taurus: Truck-Load of Bullshit
The plodding Taurus mind often makes the mistake of relying on precedents to predict the future. The Taurean mind may suffer unduly under the yoke of history, dragging every fact thats ever happened into a situation that may be unique and new. Each situation has its own identity, and by drawing to heavily on supposed precedents, Taurus hauls a cart full of bullshit into every discussion.
Gemini: Besieged Castles in the Sky
In logic, there are two basic places to focus the lens of your critique. You can analyze the relationship of the basic assumptions to the reality they seek to describe. You can also analyze how those assumptions relate to each other. Gemini excels at relating ideas to each other, but is notoriously enfeebled when it comes to testing their ideas relationship to reality. Gemini could be credited with the construction of intricate blueprints for inventions that will never work, as well castles in the sky that no one will ever live in.
Cancer: An Inconvenient Truth
Cancer tends to understand terms only as they relate to their personal experience. Though this provides an excellent way to understand the deep personal implications of an idea, it creates serious trouble when the proposed idea is completely or partially outside of their persons experience. Heaven forbid an idea threaten Cancers brittle little reality bubble.
Leo: Your Truth Is Stupid
Leos, god bless their noble souls, often confuse honesty with truth. The hearts truth may be powerful, but its still stupid. Leo, your truth is stupid.
Virgo has the opposite problem to Gemini. Virgo will spend its entire life crafting its assumptions about reality without ever relating those assumptions to each other in a meaningful way. Virgo may not be wrong about the facts, but often fails to rise to the challenge of meaning. Lame.
Never stating the argument in clear terms, always phrasing things in forked ways, the Libra treats truth like a seduction, with the double entendre taking precedence over the direct statement. Never making a case that cant be taken in a variety of directions, it becomes possible to always guard against the possibility of being wrong. Having left behind wrong, Libra also releases all claims to right. Flirt with the truth all you want, but youre not getting laid unless you stop the double-speak.
Scorpio: Plutonium-Tipped Drill
Scorpios mind is dedicated to penetration and often well formed enough to drill appropriate holes in any proposition. The Scorpionic mind is so adept at this process that it inevitably sinks the ships of happiness, fortune, and faith. In fact, reality itself yields to Scorpios plutonium tipped drill, and the mind is left disbelieving experience itself. Scorpio may be able to disprove reality, but reality, in the end, disproves Scorpio.
Sagittarius: A Crusaders Truth
Sagittarius is among the worst of the signs when it comes to logical fallacies. Sagittarius tends find truth through vision, metaphor, and god given inspiration. Since the object of their inquiry is difficult to arrive at through logic alone, rationality itself is often left behind. When communicating, Sagittarius tends to point toward the superior results of its beliefs rather than their logical foundations. Though Sagittarius vision is often dead-on, their communication skills are piss-poor.
Aquarians do not usually suffer deeply from a lack of method or intelligence, but they make up that by refusing to learn from anyone but themselves. Try testing your local Aquarius in the following way: Say something intelligent which your test Aquarius hasnt been exposed to yet. Wait 15 minutes, and see if they dont restate your idea in their own terms, as if it was the gods own inspiration. Promethean my ass.
Pisces mind is often so soggy with the compassion that they cant tell good from evil or left from right. The Baron cant count the number of times hes tried to talk to a Piscean only to be caught in a self-defeating circle of nebulous non-ideas. Dont confuse the ultimately non-judgmental nature of the cosmos with yourself. You are a single spot, with a definite need and position. Relating to the infinite is a positive experience but identifying with it doesnt do justice to your humanity. And its annoying, too.
Disclaimer: If you do not take every word of these horoscopes into you with the utmost faith, you will die. Statistics bear this out. Simply scan the newspapers. You will find that an overwhelming majority of the people that die each week DID NOT read the Baron's horoscopes.
If your newspaper or your mom's website are interested in publishing the Baron's weekly prophetics, shoot this old guy an email at Dr.Coppockalypse@gmail.com. The Baron is also available for birthdays, weddings, funerals and orgies.
Copyright 2006 Abyssal Epistles
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