The Baron tells it like it is about the 12 tribes of the zodiac in the state of relationship. You know in your heart you've always wanted it. It's time for (w)horoscopes, bitches!
Special Note: For double-plus good reading fun, remember to read the (w)horoscope of someone you despise as well as yourself. It will make you feel better.
Aries: You're Invincible!
You're so tough! Your spit-fire spirit just never lets up. No, that's not true. It consistently crashes and burns, as your inflated expectations smash into the hard brick wall of reality. You're left bleeding and unconscious. You tend to wake up in bed, magically bandaged and ready to get back to the battlefield. But its not magic. It's the people close to you who prop you up and patch you up when you're broken and battered. You won't lose people's love or admiration if you drop the tough guy/girl act, you'll earn it.
Taurus: Meatsy
You are not being used. And if you are, it's probably your own goddamn fault. Offering yourself up like a financially solid slab of roast beast has its own consequences.
Gemini: Cut the Inner Dialogue
You are not that interesting. Your thoughts are not that important. I know that you are interest-ed in getting to know yourself better, but that's because you are a shattered mirror of a person, and hope that by gazing at your reflection in each and every sharpened fragment you will someday regain unity. As exciting as your psychological odyssey may be to you, it bores the shit out of your loved and liked ones to hear you narrate the pointless conversations that go on within your head. Get out of your narcissistic self dialogue and speak to the people in your life like they're something other than an audience for your inner drama.
Cancer: No Use Crying Over Poured Milk
Take a step back. You have a dream of being able to pour yourself endlessly into another person, and having them pour back into you. Like water exchanged to and fro between two (of) cups. This wet dream leaves no place for any independence or identity from the relationship. It is almost impossible to extricate water from one cup that's been poured into another. Some of your dreams of losing your ego into other people are romanticized escapism and a premature mysticism. Wanting independence from the relationship does not mean that they don't care. It means that they are normal, healthy, and sane, and want to stay that way. .
Leo: The Heart's Crematorium
You can be a gentle centered light, beaming warmth into all those around you. You can also be a hungry bonfire of vanity, out of control and unable to meet your own oppressive ego needs. Those close to you often get tossed into the furnace of your self-image. Remember to pour a little bit of that 40 oz on the ground for those who support and feed the staggering weight of your self-importance in times of need.
Virgo: Ah, Perfection
You do all the right things. Just like a robot! How often your selfless acts of service become belittling guilt-trips. Favors become razor cuts, slowly draining the life blood from the partnership until your partner is just as lifeless, perfect and pose-able as a mannequin. There's more to love than doing the dishes for someone.
Libra: Place-Holder
You are a co-dependent weakling. You don't always get attached to one person, and may even spend periods of time alone, but you're rarely able to function effectively without someone else to define you. You romanticize your psychological dependence on people in order to justify your relationships and make your partners feel special when they are often just place-holders. Try seeing yourself without another person.
Scorpio: Gross Injustice (Yuck)
Your presence bribes people with the promise of a hot, dirty coiling of flesh and energy. You can give up to the moment, but the rest of the time you focus maniacally on controlling the emotional exchange. Your preferred formula goes something like this: You inject your every negative moment into the other, and suck what little happiness they have out of them to replenish yourself when you're feeling low. You get their good, they get your bad. There is a deep, fear based, inequality in the way that you deal with people in personal relationships.
Sagittarius: Theoretical Problems in Astrology
Relationships, you? Sag, how did you get into this column? Shouldn't you be off chasin' tail? Supposing its possible for you to find itself in a serious relationship, there would be problems. You would probably ignore the person before and after sexy-time. You would probably also have a hard time seeing the relationship from any perspective but your own idealized, myopic one. Your partner would also probably also suffer greatly at the expense of your narcicissm and impossible self-image. This is all hypothetical, of course.
Capricorn: After 5000 Years, I'm FREE!
You're wonderful. At first. Put together and tight laced, you're on your best behavior until you've gotten a commitment from someone. Then the seal is broken, and the ancient demon is released from its terrible prison. This demon is intent on creating misery. It doesn't seem to care whether its you or the other person that's miserable, as long as somebody's helpless and in pain. Show the person you're close to a fraction of the respect you'd show your boss, and keep the devil on a leash.
Aquarius: Blah Blah Blah
You're smart. Well, you think a lot. That's something. I guess. Regardless, you somehow seem to be able to fit every event in a relationship into a gigantic over-arching super-structure of explanations and rationalizations. It all makes sense to you. And it better make sense to your loved ones in exactly the same way. Either that, or they're in for long, boring tirades where you "explain" the relationship. Why does it have to be explained?
Pisces: Poor You!
You are good at relationships. It is just by COMPLETE COINCIDENCE that everyone that you're in a relationship with isn't. Don't change. There's nothing wrong with you except your "luck." And that's not your fault, is it?
Disclaimer: If you do not take every word of these horoscopes into you with the utmost faith, you will die. Statistics bear this out. Simply scan the newspapers. You will find that an overwhelming majority of the people that die each week DID NOT read the Baron's horoscopes.
If your newspaper or your mom's website are interested in publishing the Baron's weekly prophetics, shoot this old guy an email at Dr.Coppockalypse@gmail.com. The Baron is also available for birthdays, weddings, funerals and orgies.
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