Baron Classics: RPG Nerdiness

NERDOSCOPES!

Having comfortably violated the laws of time and space, the Baron has no problem violating those of good taste. Thats right, from the bowels of your wasted childhood comes the unwanted, the hateful, the nerdy: Fantasy Role Playing Game Horoscopes! Thats right. Ever wonder what character class you would play if your were really being honest with yourself? Probably not. And so the Baron has wondered it for you.

Aries: The Barbarian

Aries, you are the Barbarian class character. Basically a fighter, you lack the civility common even to the average mentally deficient footman. But you have more hit points per level (d12, bitches). Aries, this reflects your primary attribute- your high constitution score. You may not be bright or charming, but you can take a beating and keep on keeping on like few in this world. In addition, you come ready with wilderness survival skills fresh from your primitive home. Not only that, but, as anyone who has spent any significant amount of time around you knows, you have a totally sweet berserker rage attack that gives you massive damage bonuses. Which is, honestly, the last thing you need.

Taurus: The Thief

Honestly, Taurus is not an adventuring type of sign. If we were being truly honest, Taurus character class would be Good Eater. But that just doesnt fit in with this weeks theme, and therefore the Baron is forced to grant you a character class. And Thief it is. As a Thief, you arent in the epic adventure for the epic adventure. Youre in it for the money. Taurus, all of your skills are designed to help you get things and avoid conflict. And Taurus, if youre honest with yourself, you will find that these are the very same goals your real-life skills cluster around.

Gemini: The Bard

More than just a singer, the Bard is an extremely flexible character class. Bards combine elements of the wizards spell-casting ability and the fighters battle-readiness along with unique persuasive abilities. Like Gemini, they are extremely flexible offensive resources with little staying power. The Bard is an excellent supplement to an attack force, but are somewhat fragile and need to be healed constantly. Sound familiar?


Cancer: The Healer

Yes, Cancer, you are the Healer of the party. Also, like a nagging mother, you provide the moral compass of the party, constantly second-guessing its members and generally making them feel insecure. This gives you more opportunity to heal them. Its good to needed, right?


Leo: The Fighter

Big hearted and small minded, Leo is the classic Fighter. Leo is out to represent, but what the thing to be represented is not entirely clear. As the Fighter class, it doesnt matter! You just give a big yell, run into combat, and sword things until they die. If only life asked nothing more of you

Virgo: The Assassin

Virgo is the Assassin. Morally bankrupt and sadistic with a mind for details, Virgo combines aspects of the Thief and the Fighter in a character class that is too weak for frontline combat but not skilled enough to be useful in any other capacity. No, Virgo, in real life, as well as fantasy role-playing land, it is your role to skulk in the shadows, jealously analyzing the weaknesses of other characters before striking the mortal blow.

Libra: The Illusionist

You, Libra, are a magician. Not a stage magician. Theyre fake. A real one. You are the mighty Illusionist. Capable of creating illusions. Fake things. False appearances. Unlike the lowly stage magician, you are capable of creating REAL illusions. Realfakethings. Yeah. Hmm. Youve got power, I guess. Right. Huh. Sorry about that.

Scorpio: The Psionicist

The control of the world via the minds subtle wavelengths has always been you forte, Scorpio. And therefore your fantasy role-playing class is clearly the Psionicist." You engage in subtle discipline in order to bend both other people and your own body to your will. The Psionicist class is extremely flexible, and able to fill a variety of roles. However, each and every one of those role includes being the creepy guy/girl at the back of the party with the hypno-eyes.

Sagittarius: The Paladin/Anti-Paladin

With your faith in light or darkness guiding you, you, Sagittarius, are the Paladin/Anti-Paladin. Your acts of good (or evil) faith are your hallmark. Either way, youre not changing your mind; youre changing everybody elses. Astride your high horse, because you ARE that high horse, you sweep through the country side in order to convert or conquer the heathen. As in real life, you are the most annoying character in the game.

Capricorn: The Monk

Though it would be fair to assign Capricorn the Monk character class because of their solid approach and inner discipline, Capricorn is far more often than not the enemy menacing the fair heroes of the story. Capricorn either embraces internal structure and works diligently to achieve the inner perfection of the Monk, or gives into their rebellious streak, seeking to master the world rather than themselves. This is one of the primary psychological formulas for villainy, and you Capricorn, complete the equation.

Aquarius: The Magic-User

Between the frazzled, mentally over-active manner and the feelings of social alienation, you are the classic wizard. Face it, youve been trying to been trying mix magic and technology your whole life. And now, in the sweet bosom of fantasy role-playing games, you can pretend you have the magic powers you pretend you have in real life! Sweet, sweet imagination.

Pisces: The Cleric

Pisces, you are the last priest/ess of some obscure god or goddess. And you are out to muhfuckin represent. Though you have some healing abilities and arent completely worthless in a melee, your primary job in the party is to call down the wrath of your little-known deity and wreak havoc on the impure. Its just your way of leading people back to the source. Thy Will Be Done.


Disclaimer: If you do not take every word of these horoscopes into you with the utmost faith, you will die. Statistics bear this out. Simply scan the newspapers. You will find that an overwhelming majority of the people that die each week DID NOT read the Baron's horoscopes.

If your newspaper or your mom's website are interested in publishing the Baron's weekly prophetics, shoot this old guy an email at Dr.Coppockalypse@gmail.com. The Baron is also available for birthdays, weddings, funerals and orgies.

Copyright 2006 ABYSSAL EPISTLES