The Tactical Tricksters Guide to the Zodiac
How to Aggravate an Aries: Premature Ejaculation
The key to defeating an Aries is simple. Almost each and every Aries mistakenly believes, in their palpitating heart of hearts, that raw force of personality and essential strength is enough to decide a conflict in their favor. Not so, not so. To defeat an Aries at a game of skill, you must find out how to first weather their full assault- and then mock it. Aries engage personally in any contest, and it is their ego that marshals much of their strength. And strength they have, but it is predictable. They tend to have a favored, personalized style of assault. Predict, weather it, and then mock it. Once you begin mocking an Aries, their egos will usually crumble and their game will become a combination of frustration and rage. Unbalanced and easily defeated. Check it out.
The Taurus player of any game does not suffer from an overly aggressive and unwise energy expenditure pattern. They are often content to plod towards victory a steady and somewhat conservative pace. To destroy a Taurus, hit and run tactics are recommended. Wear a Taurus down by taking shots whenever there is an opening, but retreat before the Taurus brings their full might to bear on your attack. You can cut down on the mass and might of a Taurus game by nipping at its heels and until there is little left but a bunch of bleeding and irritated flesh. Although a bull can crush a wolf, or a gore a tiger with its horns, it can do little but switch its tail at clouds of parasitic flies and blood hungry birds. Be swift, and be constant. Wear down a Taurus conserved strength and suck its patience dry. Youll win.
Gemini is often a consummate competitor. Geminis often excel at identifying anothers weakness and then devising a stratagem to take advantage thereof. It is this very strategic sense that can be counted on as Geminis consistent weakness. It is a safe assumption that any Gemini you tangle with in love or war, on chessboard or on the dance-floor will approach the situation by attempting figure out your weakness and then attack it, intelligently. The trick to degenerating Gemini is to be ready for this. To anticipate the perception of your weakness and to prepare for the strategy that will attempt to take advantage of it. The Gemini will become frustrated when they realize that their strategies are of no avail, and then you can press the offensive. Geminis often lack a solid understanding of the basics of any game with which they engage, and will disintegrate into so many warring personalities when their perceived ability to outsmart you fades. Their game plan is based on your game plan. Know your own game.
Cancers tend to stick to stratagems where they conserve their power, focusing on defense, and then unleash it all at once, crushing over-intrepid opposition in a defensive counter-strike at your most vulnerable spot. Dont make momma angry. Even in abstract games of skill, Cancer is likely to take things rather personally, and store up their desire to counter-attack. Make a Cancer pay for their lack of aggression. Take the ground they give and hold it. Press the attack and stifle their desire to accumulate power. Disturb the peace of their arrangements and dont give them a chance to attack back. If you can harry a Cancer sufficiently, they will commit too much to a premature counter-attack, which, if anticipated can be easily crushed. Short version: nip at their heels, harry their flanks. Dont commit deeply enough to be counter-attacked. Bait them until their calm is crippled, and then crush their ill prepared counter-attack.
Leo generally brings a well rounded, offensive game. Their attack usually isnt terribly subtle, but its rarely incompetent. Leo believes that it can win. It believes in itself. The power of one. With a Leo, its important to make them feel like their all is not good enough. Make them feel outclassed. Make them believe in you, in your power. Leos confidence can be successfully projected on to you by treating every small victory you achieve as though it were the natural order of things. You are the king of this jungle, and it is just part of nature for them to be inferior to you. Once youve managed to rob the Leo of its belief in itself, it will be begin to subconsciously set you up for victory, and itself for defeat.
Like Gemini, Virgo is usually quite canny. Whereas Gemini tends to formulate an offensive game plan based on their opponents strategic weakness, Virgo tends to organize itself to counter any assaults brought to it. Virgo favors the castration defense, sizing up an opponents strengths and then designing a defense to neutralize the attacker. Know this. Know that Virgo is watching. The Baron recommends that you do not start with your best foot forward when you step into the arena with Virgo. Instead, put forth a phony assault. Let Virgo organize itself around what it perceives to be your strengths. Let Virgo have a token victory or two, and then attack the unprotected Virgo with the full glory of your true strength. Their investiture in an ineffective preparation will put them off balance mentally long enough to you to seize the day.
Though Libras often dont come off as overly-rule bound, they are. Libras like to know the rules, and they like to use them to their advantage. Libras like to have their contests well defined, honorable, fair. They enjoy games of skill as a type of social interaction. Take that away from them. Dont be friendly. Dont enter into the spirit of mutual contest. Dont share words and energy with them. Remove the element of fun. Then, cheat. Not a lot. Just a little bit. And let them catch you. If its basketball, throw an elbow. If its Monopoly, shortchange them. It wont take much to make them furious. Poor Libras mental clarity and skill is entirely dependent upon their emotional disposition. If you can put them off-balance, youve put them off their game. Try it.
Scorpios totem animals are small but deadly, including the whole family of arachnids and the most venom laced snakes. Patient and deadly, the Scorpio is usually waiting for you to make an incautious step so that it spring from the shadows and decimate you. And Scorpio IS waiting for that moment. Most Scorpios have bloated egos when it come to their hidden potency, and just CANT WAIT for everyone to see. Fake a false step and let Scorpio try to seize you in its coils. Once a Scorpios plan is exposed and its venom is ingested, an anti venom can be prepared. Scorpios strength is the master plan. Once exposed, Scorpios plans lose the element of surprise and become just another strategy.
Smashing Sagittarius: Bored to Death
Sagittarius enjoys the spectacular nature of a contest. They revel in the feeling of a plan or movement executed with a high level of skill. Not only theirs, most Sagittarii enjoy an opponent who makes bold, powerful moves as well. They wont be intimidated, only excited by being challenged. And that excitement is the key to defeating them. Make whatever game of skill you are playing boring. Make them attend to details, limit them to conservative moves, and work on stifling glory left and right. By turning a glorious battle into a game of numbers and attrition, you rob them of their spirit. Without proper spirit, a Sagittarius enthusiasm and confidence wane, as well as their attention.
Killing Capricorn: A Plan Can Be a Tomb
Capricorn has a strong grasp of the Principles of strategy, but is often dogmatic in the methods it uses. Capricorn tends to get stuck on what it thinks is the Right way to do things. Find out this right way. Then let them think that its working. Encourage their inability to stray from the plan, and they will become very predictable. An opponent whose movements can be predicted becomes the loser.
Antagonizing Aquarius: Short-Circuit
Aquarius brings a high level of rational planning to the table. Aquarius can construct both attacks and defenses with equal ability, and is generally ready for the next logical move any opponent will make. The key to defeating a clever Aquarius is to depart from the rational paradigm. Make stupid moves. Do things that make no sense whatsoever. Make false moves that seem to accomplish nothing whatsoever. Bring Aquarius out of its logical game plan. Make them believe that they cannot use their logic to predict your next move, and force them to rely on their not so keen senses. Aquarians founder without recourse to logic and principles. Expect their brilliance, and then make an idiot out of them.
Pisces generally enters the fray by remaining indistinct. A powerful Pisces will suggest several different directions of attack and defense without committing to any of them. Dynamic indeterminacy characterizes Pisces approach. To defeat Pisces, one has to do a few things. First, dont follow their lead. Their movements are designed to trick you into making false moves that they can capitalize on. Ignore theatrics. Also, expect them to attack you in a number of different ways. Expect them to change their angle often. Pisces rarely rely on a tried and true technique or two. Stick to your game plan, and shrug off their attempts to mislead you. Youll find, deprived of an ability to take you off your game, that most Pisces lack the ability to stand solidly toe to toe. Force honest confrontation.
Disclaimer: If you do not take every word of these horoscopes into you with the utmost faith, you will die. Statistics bear this out. Simply scan the newspapers. You will find that an overwhelming majority of the people that die each week DID NOT read the Baron's horoscopes.
If your newspaper or your mom's website are interested in publishing the Baron's weekly prophetics, shoot this old guy an email at Dr.Coppockalypse@gmail.com. The Baron is also available for birthdays, weddings, funerals and orgies.
Copyright 2006 ABYSSAL EPISTLES
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