Pluto Reclassification

Breakfast with Pluto

In order to get to the bottom of nagging questions about Pluto posed by astrologers, astronomers, and everyone in-between, the Baron has journeyed to the depths of the underworld itself to talk to Mr. Afterlife himself.

(After being blindfolded and paddled across the River Styx by a way-too-talkative Charon, the Baron is granted an exclusive interview with the original man in black .)

Baron: Greetings, Lord Pluto. Big up ya self.

Pluto: Baron, good to see you again. I guess this time I won't be opposing your Moon.

Baron: Please don't.

Pluto: No worries. I've had my fun.

(Pluto beckons, and hot dead girls in skimpy outfits serve coffee in hollowed-out skulls. The coffee is black. Of course.)

Baron: This is good!

Pluto: No shit. Best in the underworld. Straight out of the Elysian Fields. Its just one culture over.

Baron: Pluto, I've got some serious questions to ask. First, how do you feel about your physical representative losing its planetary status?

Pluto: THE MORTALS PURCHASE THE ILLUSION OF KNOWLEDGE AT THE PRICE OF THEIR SOULS!

Baron: Really...

Pluto: No, I'm totally kidding. Honestly, I was wondering how long it would take the dirt-monkeys to figure it out. Its a tiny ball of ice and rock, for Joves sake! Its not even as big as your goddamn Moon! Of course I'm not offended.

Baron: Excellent. Well, people here on earth have been pretty concerned about your reaction to the downgrade.

Pluto: Well Baron, to be honest with you, they're going to get my wrath one way or another. But really don't view it as a downgrade. If you had a choice, would you rather be the smallest planet or the largest binary icy dwarf planet? Just taste the words "Binary Icy Dwarf Planet." Thats fucking metal as all hell and you can't deny it.

Baron: Nor would I. You should beam that into some guitar-playing idiots head.

Pluto: Done. Expect their double-album next year.

Baron: Nice. Always a pleasure to see a master in action. I have another question: Does this change your relationship with Scorpio? Do you still rule Scorpio? Did you ever? Do you now?

Pluto: As far as Scorpio goes, I don't know if I ever Ruled it in the sense the pre-modern astrologers use the term. House cusps and all that crap. In the sense that Modern astrologers use the term, meaning that I have a very strong affinity with it, I say yes. Scorpio's focus on decay, virulence, death, vengeance, violence and obsession has always made it my favorite celestial mansion to spend a few years in.

Baron: I hate to belabor the question, but this is important. In terms of classical technique, should we consider you to Rule Scorpio?

Pluto: I'll be straight with you, Scorpio is Mars winter home. You see, I really don't live on this side of the veil, hoss. I just vacation here from time to time. But when I'm here, I like to stay at Mars' place. You've got to love a guy who uses history's bloodiest battlefields as carpet, and the skulls of heroes for cereal bowls.

Baron: Interesting. Anything to say about the rest of the Signs?

Pluto: Well, my mother always told me if you dont have anything nice to say... I dont want to gossip. But I will say: Capricorn, its you and me for near 20 years come 2008. Hold onto your oil and watch your ass, kids. Its going to be a bumpy ride.

Baron: Sweet. So back to my original question: You really aren't offended that you're not going to get so much attention anymore?

Pluto: Not at all. You see, for years people have given me credit for anything and everything underworldy that goes on in their lives, when, to be realistic, the underworld's just as packed as any heaven. If you've been reading your Scientific American, or just browsing wikipedia, youd know that your science-monkeys have discovered another 6 icy dwarves about my size and in my vicinity in the last 10 or so years. And any mythology will reveal that we've layers and layers of anti-world to keep organized. We're well staffed, and I dont mind who knows it.

Baron: No shit.

Pluto: No shit. Just as that miserable little rock is my outpost on the material plane, the other powers have their own transmitters. The astrology meat-bags have given me credit for everything dark and scary that goes in the world, whereas I'm really just the only member of the family you've met. If you took a second to think about what it means that I'm in a binary relationship with Charon, you'd understand.

Baron: Well, Charon ferries those who approach the underworld across the River Styx. My guess at what you're getting at is that you're the modern humans' re-introduction to the power of the mythological underworld.

Pluto: Baron, you're so good. I knew there was a reason I haven't killed you yet.

Baron: By your grace, Lord Pluto. I have to ask- in this whole binary relationship you have with Charon, who takes who up the you know where?

Pluto: Now, now Baron. Its strictly Plutonic.

Baron: ...

Pluto: Sorry. That was bad.

Baron: Moving on. Didn't you like getting credit for all that, though? Doesn't it make you more powerful to have people thinking you're responsible for all of that? I thought being a god was sort of a "fake it till you make it" type of situation. Belief is food, and whatnot.

Pluto: Not at all. We gods like to be recognized for who we really are, and what we actually do. Just like you monkeys. Im tired of repping for a whole cosmological sect. We test people to give us the proper respect, and punish those who give us too much, or too little. Its a Greek "Golden Mean" type of deal. Ask Saturn, he'll explain.

Baron: Good to know. Pluto, can you tell us anything about your fellow underworlders?

Pluto: Well, like myself, they're big on secrecy, but I can tell you a little bit about those who have already revealed themselves. First, we've got Orcus, whose job is to punish oath-breakers.

Baron: Oath-breakers? We dont really take oaths these days, except in court.

Pluto: Not the silly kind of oath. The real kind. Orcus' job is to punish those who forget their destinies and spurn their fate. "The promises to yourself are the most important ones to keep" type of idea. You know Baron, you kind of look like Orcus.

Baron: I have Orcus conjunct Jupiter and the Ascendent by less than a degree.

Pluto: Ha! Damn I'm good. Maybe next time around I'll be an astrologer.

Baron: Go on.

Pluto: I will.

Baron: Then do it.

Pluto: I will. But I'm not doing it because you said so.

Baron: Fine.

Pluto: Fine.

Baron: Ok.

Pluto: Anyway. So there's Orcus, and then there's Sedna. She's this sad little Eskimo chick with no fingers.

Baron: Weird.

Pluto: Bet your ass she's weird. I cant really tell you much about her, except that she doesn't get along too well with her dad. Then theres Varuna, if thats what he's calling himself these days. Nice guy, for a cthonian. Indian, good with computers, and ruler of the night-sky. Theres also Ixion, though Marduk knows how he got a base on the material plane. Your histories name him as a son of Ares, strapped to a burning wheel and damned to rotate for eternity for trying to fuck Zeus' wife. What a dumbass. Only Zeus fucks other people's wives.

Baron: Word.

Pluto: Then theres my sweet little UB 313. Those science monkeys are getting ready to call her Xena. If they do, they will know my wrath. Its Proserpina, my wife, not Lucy Lawless. Remember the myth? She stays with me half the year and is gone the other half? Right. Well, look at her planetoid's orbit. You'll see she saunters around the solar system side by side with me for about half of the time, and goes out on her own the rest. If that isn't a clue, I dont know what is.

Baron: Thats pretty convincing. But theres already an asteroid named after her.

Pluto: So blow it up.

Baron: Fair enough.

Pluto: Arent I always?

Baron: ...yes?

Pluto: Good answer. So, weve covered Orcus, Varuna, Ixion, Sedna, and my sweet Proserpina. Theres also Quaor. He doesn't talk much. He claims to have done the cosmic disco with lady Chaos, and by doing so brought the whole universe into existence. Sort of an Apsu and Tiamat sort of relationship, if you dig.

Baron: I do. Dig, that is.

Pluto: Basically, Charon and I have been the acting diplomats for the underworld for 75 years now, but the graveyard of the solar system is full of tombstones other than mine. You call it the Kuiper Belt. Our underworld council is ready to start participating more directly in your daily affairs because it seems like you monkeys need a reminder. You'll be seeing more of us.

Baron: Looking forward to it. Pluto, its been most informative, but I really have to get back to my body on the physical plane. I would, however, like to say one thing before I go.

Pluto: Go for it.

Baron: Pluto, you totally rule.

Pluto: I totally already knew that.

Plutoscopes

By the grace of the underworld itself, the Baron has been granted permission to delineate the movement of Pluto through the different signs of the Zodiac. In whatever sign he is present in, Pluto brings terrible fear, Fascist structure, and a deep need for transformation often expressed as the type of psychology popular during each period. Remember not to read your Sun Sign. Pluto is generational.

Pluto in Cancer: Tell Me About Your mother...

1912-1937

In Cancer, Pluto focused his fearful energy on the family and homeland. This is a generation that fought in World War II, and later brought Pluto's fascist tendencies back to America, creating the notoriously restrictive nuclear family of the 50's. This generation, and their experiences, forever changed the way modern people think of their homeland and their family. This was also the period in during which Freud's psychology, which traced everything back to the childhood and the mother, reached the height of its popularity.

Pluto in Leo: The "Me" Generation

1937-1956

The Baby Boomers. Growing up under the shadow of the a mature Pluto in Cancer generation's familial restrictions, as well as nuclear annihilation, they were obsessed with freedom of expression. Called the "Me" generation, their Plutonian revolution took place in the 60s, where they spurned every attempt to limit their personal freedom, creating a deep cultural divide. These are the people who made rock n' roll happen. Out of this generation we get a number of strands of humanistic psychology which focus on open personal expression as the primary form of therapy.

Pluto in Virgo: All Work, No Healthcare

1956-1971

The middle children of history. In Virgo, Pluto sprayed shady rays into the realm of work and health care. Having waited for decades for the Baby-Boomers/Pluto in Leo generation to get off the throne, many of the Pluto in Virgo generation have had to labor patiently in positions beneath their dignity. Having had the experience of the worst the modern workplace has to offer, it is expected that workplace reform will be one of the marks the Pluto in Virgo generation will leave on history. Virgo's relationship to health care is also of note, and immediately connected to workplace concerns. Many astrologers expect this generation to be the one responsible for the health-care reform so necessary in America today. This generation has also been the one primarily responsible for bringing the therapeutic value of alternative health care, such as massage and acupuncture, into mainstream consciousness.

Pluto in Libra: Between Worlds

1971-1983

Born to a world shaken but not stirred by the revolution of their parents, the Pluto in Libra generation has been confronted with a country in which radical subculture and mainstream culture co-exist in uneasy peace. Growing up in such a space, the Pluto in Libra generation has been put in a place to reconcile the revolution of the hippies with the conformity of the same people in the 80s. As the Pluto in Libra generation matures, it is expected that they will take art in new directions, most likely through proper utilization of new electronic mediums. Though it may be awhile, once the Pluto in Libra generation begins to take office, it can be expected that there will be a deep focus on the injustice inside governmental systems. One can also expect fresh ideas in the field of psychology from this generation, most likely from outside the field itself.

Pluto in Scorpio: Out With The Old...

1983-1995

Just now popping out of their cocoons, many astrologers believe that the Pluto in Scorpio generation is an important one. Not confronted with the need to balance in the same way as the Pluto in Libra generation, Pluto in its favorite sign will be able to guide its children to assist in powerful cultural transformations. The Barons guess is that it will be under the auspices of this generation that the burgeoning field of genetics will make its strongest impact. They will also transform social attitudes towards formerly hidden occult practices, as well as attitudes regarding death in general. One could expect a rise in alternative religions, such as Wicca, and a decline in those that are already past their prime.

Pluto in Sagittarius: Crazy Little Bastards

1995-2008

Forget it. Ask the Baron about it when youre old enough to care. Or read.

Disclaimer: If you do not take every word of these horoscopes into you with the utmost faith, you will die. Statistics bear this out. Simply scan the newspapers. You will find that an overwhelming majority of the people that die each week DID NOT read the Baron's horoscopes.

If your newspaper or your mom's website are interested in publishing the Baron's weekly prophetics, shoot this old guy an email at Dr.Coppockalypse@gmail.com. The Baron is also available for birthdays, weddings, funerals and orgies.

Copyright 2006 Abyssal Epistles