Baron Classics: Psychological Warfare

Twelve Deadly Venoms
The Tactical Tricksters Guide to the Zodiac

How to Aggravate an Aries: Premature Ejaculation

The key to defeating an Aries is simple. Almost each and every Aries mistakenly believes, in their palpitating heart of hearts, that raw force of personality and essential strength is enough to decide a conflict in their favor. Not so, not so. To defeat an Aries at a game of skill, you must find out how to first weather their full assault- and then mock it. Aries engage personally in any contest, and it is their ego that marshals much of their strength. And strength they have, but it is predictable. They tend to have a favored, personalized style of assault. Predict, weather it, and then mock it. Once you begin mocking an Aries, their egos will usually crumble and their game will become a combination of frustration and rage. Unbalanced and easily defeated. Check it out.

How to Destroy a Taurus: Float like a Butterfly

The Taurus player of any game does not suffer from an overly aggressive and unwise energy expenditure pattern. They are often content to plod towards victory a steady and somewhat conservative pace. To destroy a Taurus, hit and run tactics are recommended. Wear a Taurus down by taking shots whenever there is an opening, but retreat before the Taurus brings their full might to bear on your attack. You can cut down on the mass and might of a Taurus game by nipping at its heels and until there is little left but a bunch of bleeding and irritated flesh. Although a bull can crush a wolf, or a gore a tiger with its horns, it can do little but switch its tail at clouds of parasitic flies and blood hungry birds. Be swift, and be constant. Wear down a Taurus conserved strength and suck its patience dry. Youll win.

Degenerating Gemini: Know Thyself

Gemini is often a consummate competitor. Geminis often excel at identifying anothers weakness and then devising a stratagem to take advantage thereof. It is this very strategic sense that can be counted on as Geminis consistent weakness. It is a safe assumption that any Gemini you tangle with in love or war, on chessboard or on the dance-floor will approach the situation by attempting figure out your weakness and then attack it, intelligently. The trick to degenerating Gemini is to be ready for this. To anticipate the perception of your weakness and to prepare for the strategy that will attempt to take advantage of it. The Gemini will become frustrated when they realize that their strategies are of no avail, and then you can press the offensive. Geminis often lack a solid understanding of the basics of any game with which they engage, and will disintegrate into so many warring personalities when their perceived ability to outsmart you fades. Their game plan is based on your game plan. Know your own game.

Crushing a Cancer: Contained Fury

Cancers tend to stick to stratagems where they conserve their power, focusing on defense, and then unleash it all at once, crushing over-intrepid opposition in a defensive counter-strike at your most vulnerable spot. Dont make momma angry. Even in abstract games of skill, Cancer is likely to take things rather personally, and store up their desire to counter-attack. Make a Cancer pay for their lack of aggression. Take the ground they give and hold it. Press the attack and stifle their desire to accumulate power. Disturb the peace of their arrangements and dont give them a chance to attack back. If you can harry a Cancer sufficiently, they will commit too much to a premature counter-attack, which, if anticipated can be easily crushed. Short version: nip at their heels, harry their flanks. Dont commit deeply enough to be counter-attacked. Bait them until their calm is crippled, and then crush their ill prepared counter-attack.

Leo: Believe In Me

Leo generally brings a well rounded, offensive game. Their attack usually isnt terribly subtle, but its rarely incompetent. Leo believes that it can win. It believes in itself. The power of one. With a Leo, its important to make them feel like their all is not good enough. Make them feel outclassed. Make them believe in you, in your power. Leos confidence can be successfully projected on to you by treating every small victory you achieve as though it were the natural order of things. You are the king of this jungle, and it is just part of nature for them to be inferior to you. Once youve managed to rob the Leo of its belief in itself, it will be begin to subconsciously set you up for victory, and itself for defeat.


Violating Virgo: Prosthetic Castration

Like Gemini, Virgo is usually quite canny. Whereas Gemini tends to formulate an offensive game plan based on their opponents strategic weakness, Virgo tends to organize itself to counter any assaults brought to it. Virgo favors the castration defense, sizing up an opponents strengths and then designing a defense to neutralize the attacker. Know this. Know that Virgo is watching. The Baron recommends that you do not start with your best foot forward when you step into the arena with Virgo. Instead, put forth a phony assault. Let Virgo organize itself around what it perceives to be your strengths. Let Virgo have a token victory or two, and then attack the unprotected Virgo with the full glory of your true strength. Their investiture in an ineffective preparation will put them off balance mentally long enough to you to seize the day.

Make Libra Lose: Play Dirty

Though Libras often dont come off as overly-rule bound, they are. Libras like to know the rules, and they like to use them to their advantage. Libras like to have their contests well defined, honorable, fair. They enjoy games of skill as a type of social interaction. Take that away from them. Dont be friendly. Dont enter into the spirit of mutual contest. Dont share words and energy with them. Remove the element of fun. Then, cheat. Not a lot. Just a little bit. And let them catch you. If its basketball, throw an elbow. If its Monopoly, shortchange them. It wont take much to make them furious. Poor Libras mental clarity and skill is entirely dependent upon their emotional disposition. If you can put them off-balance, youve put them off their game. Try it.

Stepping on Scorpio: The Master-Plan Exposed

Scorpios totem animals are small but deadly, including the whole family of arachnids and the most venom laced snakes. Patient and deadly, the Scorpio is usually waiting for you to make an incautious step so that it spring from the shadows and decimate you. And Scorpio IS waiting for that moment. Most Scorpios have bloated egos when it come to their hidden potency, and just CANT WAIT for everyone to see. Fake a false step and let Scorpio try to seize you in its coils. Once a Scorpios plan is exposed and its venom is ingested, an anti venom can be prepared. Scorpios strength is the master plan. Once exposed, Scorpios plans lose the element of surprise and become just another strategy.

Smashing Sagittarius: Bored to Death

Sagittarius enjoys the spectacular nature of a contest. They revel in the feeling of a plan or movement executed with a high level of skill. Not only theirs, most Sagittarii enjoy an opponent who makes bold, powerful moves as well. They wont be intimidated, only excited by being challenged. And that excitement is the key to defeating them. Make whatever game of skill you are playing boring. Make them attend to details, limit them to conservative moves, and work on stifling glory left and right. By turning a glorious battle into a game of numbers and attrition, you rob them of their spirit. Without proper spirit, a Sagittarius enthusiasm and confidence wane, as well as their attention.

Killing Capricorn: A Plan Can Be a Tomb

Capricorn has a strong grasp of the Principles of strategy, but is often dogmatic in the methods it uses. Capricorn tends to get stuck on what it thinks is the Right way to do things. Find out this right way. Then let them think that its working. Encourage their inability to stray from the plan, and they will become very predictable. An opponent whose movements can be predicted becomes the loser.

Antagonizing Aquarius: Short-Circuit

Aquarius brings a high level of rational planning to the table. Aquarius can construct both attacks and defenses with equal ability, and is generally ready for the next logical move any opponent will make. The key to defeating a clever Aquarius is to depart from the rational paradigm. Make stupid moves. Do things that make no sense whatsoever. Make false moves that seem to accomplish nothing whatsoever. Bring Aquarius out of its logical game plan. Make them believe that they cannot use their logic to predict your next move, and force them to rely on their not so keen senses. Aquarians founder without recourse to logic and principles. Expect their brilliance, and then make an idiot out of them.

Pushing Pisces Around: Dont Believe the Hype

Pisces generally enters the fray by remaining indistinct. A powerful Pisces will suggest several different directions of attack and defense without committing to any of them. Dynamic indeterminacy characterizes Pisces approach. To defeat Pisces, one has to do a few things. First, dont follow their lead. Their movements are designed to trick you into making false moves that they can capitalize on. Ignore theatrics. Also, expect them to attack you in a number of different ways. Expect them to change their angle often. Pisces rarely rely on a tried and true technique or two. Stick to your game plan, and shrug off their attempts to mislead you. Youll find, deprived of an ability to take you off your game, that most Pisces lack the ability to stand solidly toe to toe. Force honest confrontation.

Disclaimer: If you do not take every word of these horoscopes into you with the utmost faith, you will die. Statistics bear this out. Simply scan the newspapers. You will find that an overwhelming majority of the people that die each week DID NOT read the Baron's horoscopes.

If your newspaper or your mom's website are interested in publishing the Baron's weekly prophetics, shoot this old guy an email at Dr.Coppockalypse@gmail.com. The Baron is also available for birthdays, weddings, funerals and orgies.

Copyright 2006 ABYSSAL EPISTLES

Baron Classics: Mental Failure

Logical Failings of the Zodiac

In order to help everyone prune their personal tree of knowledge, the Baron introduces a sharpened set of Zodiacal shears. Though you can read your Sun-Sign through the following delineations, those who know will look through the lens of their birth Mercury.

Aries: Mercenary Epistemology

Aries has a battlefield commanders understanding of truth. It is not particularly prejudiced against unorthodox or outrageous ideas, but interested simply in whether or not it works. Though this may be the preferred episteme in the trenches or in the squared circle, it often prevents the Arien from refining its approach. Though a proposed truth must eventually be validated by the real world, it is by walking the most fragile theoretical rope ladders that some of the most important discoveries have been made. And you sound like an asshole, did I mention that?

Taurus: Truck-Load of Bullshit

The plodding Taurus mind often makes the mistake of relying on precedents to predict the future. The Taurean mind may suffer unduly under the yoke of history, dragging every fact thats ever happened into a situation that may be unique and new. Each situation has its own identity, and by drawing to heavily on supposed precedents, Taurus hauls a cart full of bullshit into every discussion.

Gemini: Besieged Castles in the Sky

In logic, there are two basic places to focus the lens of your critique. You can analyze the relationship of the basic assumptions to the reality they seek to describe. You can also analyze how those assumptions relate to each other. Gemini excels at relating ideas to each other, but is notoriously enfeebled when it comes to testing their ideas relationship to reality. Gemini could be credited with the construction of intricate blueprints for inventions that will never work, as well castles in the sky that no one will ever live in.

Cancer: An Inconvenient Truth

Cancer tends to understand terms only as they relate to their personal experience. Though this provides an excellent way to understand the deep personal implications of an idea, it creates serious trouble when the proposed idea is completely or partially outside of their persons experience. Heaven forbid an idea threaten Cancers brittle little reality bubble.

Leo: Your Truth Is Stupid

Leos, god bless their noble souls, often confuse honesty with truth. The hearts truth may be powerful, but its still stupid. Leo, your truth is stupid.

Virgo: Reductio Ad Boring

Virgo has the opposite problem to Gemini. Virgo will spend its entire life crafting its assumptions about reality without ever relating those assumptions to each other in a meaningful way. Virgo may not be wrong about the facts, but often fails to rise to the challenge of meaning. Lame.

Libra: Flirting With Truth

Never stating the argument in clear terms, always phrasing things in forked ways, the Libra treats truth like a seduction, with the double entendre taking precedence over the direct statement. Never making a case that cant be taken in a variety of directions, it becomes possible to always guard against the possibility of being wrong. Having left behind wrong, Libra also releases all claims to right. Flirt with the truth all you want, but youre not getting laid unless you stop the double-speak.

Scorpio: Plutonium-Tipped Drill

Scorpios mind is dedicated to penetration and often well formed enough to drill appropriate holes in any proposition. The Scorpionic mind is so adept at this process that it inevitably sinks the ships of happiness, fortune, and faith. In fact, reality itself yields to Scorpios plutonium tipped drill, and the mind is left disbelieving experience itself. Scorpio may be able to disprove reality, but reality, in the end, disproves Scorpio.

Sagittarius: A Crusaders Truth

Sagittarius is among the worst of the signs when it comes to logical fallacies. Sagittarius tends find truth through vision, metaphor, and god given inspiration. Since the object of their inquiry is difficult to arrive at through logic alone, rationality itself is often left behind. When communicating, Sagittarius tends to point toward the superior results of its beliefs rather than their logical foundations. Though Sagittarius vision is often dead-on, their communication skills are piss-poor.

Capricorn: Daddys Little Thinker

Capricorns, Lord bless their horned souls, tend to argue the truth of things based on their attribution to a deified authority figure. This is the classic logical no-no: the recourse to authority. It is the argument used by children on playgrounds everywhere: My daddy says that the Earth is flat. Well, the Barons Mommy says that the overlap of authority and truth is incidental. So there.

Aquarius: Mr./Ms. Originality

Aquarians do not usually suffer deeply from a lack of method or intelligence, but they make up that by refusing to learn from anyone but themselves. Try testing your local Aquarius in the following way: Say something intelligent which your test Aquarius hasnt been exposed to yet. Wait 15 minutes, and see if they dont restate your idea in their own terms, as if it was the gods own inspiration. Promethean my ass.

Pisces: Compassionate Mess

Pisces mind is often so soggy with the compassion that they cant tell good from evil or left from right. The Baron cant count the number of times hes tried to talk to a Piscean only to be caught in a self-defeating circle of nebulous non-ideas. Dont confuse the ultimately non-judgmental nature of the cosmos with yourself. You are a single spot, with a definite need and position. Relating to the infinite is a positive experience but identifying with it doesnt do justice to your humanity. And its annoying, too.

Disclaimer: If you do not take every word of these horoscopes into you with the utmost faith, you will die. Statistics bear this out. Simply scan the newspapers. You will find that an overwhelming majority of the people that die each week DID NOT read the Baron's horoscopes.

If your newspaper or your mom's website are interested in publishing the Baron's weekly prophetics, shoot this old guy an email at Dr.Coppockalypse@gmail.com. The Baron is also available for birthdays, weddings, funerals and orgies.

Copyright 2006 Abyssal Epistles

Baron Classics: Strategy

A MANDALA OF POWER

Aries: Stomp

The strategy of Aries is to enter into conflict without warning or hesitation and to resolve it before a pattern emerges. The opponent is not allowed to do anything but defend until combat is complete. In the Fire Scroll of the Book of 5 Rings, Miyamoto Musashi writes on stomping down an opponent's attack as he executes it. This means not to allow any further attacks, and to keep attacking unceasingly until the opponent is defeated. One does not permit a combat in which there is an equal and drawn out exchange of blows. Musashi writes: "Stomping is not only done with the feet. You should learn to stomp with your body, stomp with you mind, and of course, to stomp with your sword." This echoes into Robert Greene's 28^th Law Of Power: Enter Action With Boldness.

Taurus: Rhythm

Taurus is associated with constancy of being, but a situation in which there is an opponent implies movement. Constancy of movement is called rhythm, and rhythm is important in all things. As Miyamoto Musashi writes in the Earth Scroll of the Book of 5 Rings, "The way to win at battle according to military science is to know the rhythms of specific opponents, and use rhythms that the opponents do not expect." By understanding the fixedness of the opponent on a certain rhythm, or pattern of rhythms, one can choose a rhythm which cuts through the empty places in theirs. By knowing pattern, one can insert a counter pattern in order to achieve victory. One who is insistent on charging can be tripped, while one who is insistent on backing up can be pushed into a corner. It is through understanding the rhythms of the bull that the matador is not slain.

Gemini: Division

With Gemini it is inevitable that the strategy contains division. The division is between the true and the false. The real strength and real vulnerabilities are concealed while decoy strengths and vulnerabilities are presented. For example, an attack is launched which does not contain one's real strength. In going to meet it, the opponent does not engage with the true threat, and is therefore vulnerable to the strength which has been concealed. In individual contests, this is a feint, which is followed by a planned counter-attack. In large scale conflicts, this is a method for flanking an opponent, or pinching their forces between your own, like a vise. It is expected that if one understands this, then one will not be easily fooled by others who utilize this strategy. The division between the true and false also suggests concealing hurts received, and treating enemies as friends.

Cancer: Panopticon

Cancer's strategy is not taken from the histories of armies' mighty clash. No, Cancer's strategy comes to us from the works of the 20^th century cultural observer Michel Foucault. His concern was not the employment of weapons on the battlefield, but the knots of power by which a society bound its internal contradictions together. He studied the methods by which the State regulated its dissidents. He thus compiled studies of these strategies, not for the use of rulers, but for residents, so that they might recognize and resist these state-directed rivers of power. One of his most influential ideas was the strategy of the "Panopticon," a metaphor derived from a prison design. The prison was shaped like a tire, with the cells on the inside of the tire. In the center of the tire was an observation tower. From the observation tower, it was possible to look into the inside of any of the cells. While the cells had only bars between themselves and the on-looker, the observation tower had tinted glass, making it possible for those inside to observe, but not be observed. Thus the prisoners never knew when they were actually being watched- they only knew that any point they COULD be watched. Thus all of the rules the prison were constantly on the prisoner's mind. Foucault argued that this type of power was increasingly typical of contemporary society.

We don't know if George Bush has been reading out email. We only know he can. America's birthday is on July 4th. What?

Leo: Crush

In his Book of 5 Rings, Miyamoto Musashi writes, "Crushing requires a crushing mood. As when you view an opponent as weak and become strong yourself, thus overwhelming your adversary." Little describes the state of the Leo in war better. Victory may be gained by careful strategy, and proves the abler strategist, but to utterly crush the opponent presents a proof to the world regarding whose right is divine. Crushing is a greater degree of victory that humiliates the opponent. It demonstrates that the opponent was foolish to even engage, thus ensuring the propagation of one's legend and the destruction of theirs. As Musashi suggests, crushing requires a certain state of mind. One must see oneself as singularly capable of utterly devastating the opponent. To convince this opponent of this reality is to ensure victory. However, if one's force is not sufficient to the task, one's conviction is not sure, and the opponent does not share this view point, the "crush" can backfire on the "crusher", resulting in a loss of morale as well as an enfeebled position. More can be learned through an examination of Robert Greene's 15^th Law of Power "Crush Your Enemy Totally."

Virgo: Inhibit

Virgo's strategy is to inhibit the useful and to allow only failure. In the Book of 5 Rings, Miyamoto Musashi writes about "Holding Down the Pillow." This is the strategy of Virgo. One perceives the opponent's intention to act, and then inhibits the action. As Musashi puts it, you "inhibit an opponent's cut from the letter c." All useful actions are inhibited in this manner, while all actions not leading to any advantage to be allowed, even encouraged. Thus the opponent is led to a place of impotence. Frustration increases impotence, and leads to desperation. The desperate have lost.

Libra: Taunt/Seduce

When dealing with an opponent, be they an army, an asshole at a party, or your super-villain arch nemesis, timing is everything. To be able to anticipate an attack is to be able to defeat it. Libra is intensely aware of this. Thus is it is not Libra's strategic nature to attack first. Libra would rather the opponent expose themselves first. Ever so much better if the opponent's attack is hurried, sloppy, and imprecise. One's counter attack is sure to be devastating. This is where the taunt comes in. Libra's strategy is to entice the opponent into attacking prematurely by any means necessary. The insult or taunt and the seduction or lure are the two methods used to do this. The insult or taunt unbalances the opponent in the direction of anger in order to cause them to advance. The seduction or lure dangles irresistible bait before an opponent, unbalancing the mind with the promise of pleasure and causing them to advance prematurely. Both the boxer who intentionally leaves a body part unprotected, and a woman wearing a very short skirt are examples of this strategy. The hasty attack is then countered brutally.

Scorpio: Terror

When we deal with Scorpio, it is difficult to isolate a single strategy. The waters of Scorpio are inevitably clogged with a thousand maneuvers, but many of them can be boiled down to right use of the principle of fear. Niccolo Machiavelli is famed for his statement that it is better for a ruler to feared than loved. Scorpio knows and believes this. Establishing the capability for awful retaliatory violence, whether emotionally, physically, or mentally, the Scorpio is able walk confidently knowing that none dare risk their wrath. By establishing the capacity for vengeance and then concealing their position, fear eats at the minds of potential opponents. Not knowing what will trigger the outburst of violence, all tread carefully. This can be likened to a sniper in a concealed position or the threat of assassination. Fear paralyzes opponents and causes them to second guess their actions. It should be noted that this is the primary tool of the terrorist.

Sagittarius: Crusade

The strategy for Sagittarius is a tactic used to control a populace as well as an opponent. Sagittarius declares holy war. This technique has many advantages. It forces the concealed to reveal their positions or to side with you out of fear, thereby either cowing or defining you opponents. By polarizing the conflict between you and the declared opponent, you appear to be "Right" while they are "Wrong." By identifying "Right" with your interests, and "Wrong" with their interests, it is impossible for you to appear wrong, and impossible for the opponent to appear correct. Confused by the complexities of ethics, many people are happy to place these difficult questions into the hands of others. People flock to someone who will define and then defend a moral code for them. The one declaring the crusade also benefits from appearing to the most moral- according to the definition used to start the crusade! In addition, as people lose interest in the crusade, they find that it is not easy to leave, because by leaving a crusading group, you become the enemy- thus- a traitor.

Capricorn: Position

Capricorn, whether its natives accept it or not, is the motherland of strategy, and thus its strategy is the mother of strategies. The name of that strategy is to attack from a superior position, utilizing the advantages of that position to defeat the opponent. But what is superior position? With terrain, it may be higher ground. In an argument, it may be a position backed by authority. But these are all simple examples. What makes a position superior is one's understanding and use of it. The king who does not understand how to use his position is in an inferior position to the slave who knows the hidden advantages of his perfectly. Thus to understand the setting of the theatre of battle, to choose the best position, and to use the advantages of that position are the proper way. Knowledge of the weaknesses of the opponent's position is the counterpart of this understanding. When an army is in a forest, they may be burned out. When they travel through a marsh and movement is inhibited, one's archers should attack. Each position has advantages and disadvantages. The knowledge of these leads to victory. Though he plays the clown, many movies starring Jackie Chan work with this principle. By superior understanding of the environment, the "weaker" one prevails.

Aquarius: Unorthodoxy

Aquarius is concerned not merely with ideas, but with the significance of ideas at a given time. The inventor exemplifies one who understands the ideas whose time has come. The same applies in strategy. In the Art of War, Sun Tzu writes about the orthodox and the unorthodox . One approaches in an orthodox manner, and yet, "The one who excels at sending forth the unorthodox is as inexhaustible as Heaven." This refers to the understanding of when and why to deviate from the normal and safe in order to achieve victory. It is dangerous to experiment with new equipment or strategy when what is valuable is at stake, but it is the completely unfamiliar yet appropriate that circumvents all existing knowledge an opponent may have. Significance of the innovation to the moment is the key to the proper use of the unorthodox, and may be what many call genius.

Pisces: Mythology

As with the other Water Signs (Cancer, Scorpio), Pisces' strategy is primarily based in understanding and manipulating the psychology of the opponent. While Cancer utilizes the threat of an omnipresent parental awareness to unbalance the mind, and Scorpio the fear caused by sudden and terrible violence, Pisces finds its strategy in the beliefs of its opponents.

Pisces is concerned with the manipulation of the opponent's interpretation of events, the control of meaning. Pisces utilizes the beliefs of the opponents to psychologically maneuver them into a place where they are defeated. To do so, Pisces utilizes the cultural meanings that facts have taken on. For example, the Moon was the symbol of the Persian Empire at the time of Alexander the Great. During a battle when Alexander fought the Persians, there was an eclipse of the Moon. This fact- the physical eclipse of the Moon- was interpreted to mean that the Persians would be eclipsed by the armies of Macedonia.This boosted Alexander's morale and depressed the Persians. To capture an opponent's flag is not victory, but it is a symbol of victory which goes on to create the actual victory it only symbolizes. By understanding how people interpret events, events can be construed as natural proofs of one's victory- its fated nature. This strategy of language and interpretation may be studied extensively in the works of Roland's Barthes' "Mythologies." Successfully "Mythologizing" one's victory provides an excellent segue into "Crushing" -see Leo.

Disclaimer: If you do not take every word of these horoscopes into you with the utmost faith, you will die. Statistics bear this out. Simply scan the newspapers. You will find that an overwhelming majority of the people that die each week DID NOT read the Baron's horoscopes. If your newspaper or your mom's website are interested in publishing the Baron's weekly prophetics, shoot this old guy an email at Dr.Coppockalypse@gmail.com. The Baron is also available for birthdays, weddings, funerals and orgies. Oh, and astrological consultations. There's that, too.

COPYRIGHT 2006 ABYSSAL EPISTLES

Baron Classics: Self-Undoing

The Zodiac of Self-Undoing

The Baron deigns to delineate a general mandala to help dredge the deeps of each signs addictive direction. Note: These are directions, not absolute predictions. They outline a faultline common to whatever force operates in the style suggested by the sign.

Aries: The Ram

Aries addiction is focused on a variety of subconscious barriers that prevent them from manifesting their real potential. This addiction to lazy-ness and time wasting generally focuses on indulging in premature experiences of potential realized instead of the painstaking work of trudging towards said potential. Potential is projected onto fictional characters and personal heroes who are kept separate from personal potential. Instead of providing a light house by which to guide personal development, instead, they define the limit of growth. Excessive consumption of anti-hero media and idolization of cartoon characters is symptom. Also, drugs taken to replicate a more advanced state than the Aries has actually attained is common, making for unstable performance and dependence on aids for proper manifestation.

Taurus: The Bull

For Taurus, the temptation to laziness and pleasure is easy to identify, though it is not so much a problem as much as danger of success. The real barrier to success in the case of many Tauruses stems from impatience, and the vestigial belief that all affairs and people can be muscled through. Though the Taurus has a somewhat placid surface, there is a tendency to push the people in their life around. This secret selfishness creates a tangle of half-conscious passive aggressive conflicts with people who feel bullied, but often don't exactly know why. This situation leads to escapism by creating a superficial peace via overconsumption of food, overindulgence in sex, and wallowing in chemical habits that erase the harsh lines of the underlying conflicts which stab upward into awareness.

Gemini: The Twins

For Gemini, what lurks beneath the conscious level is the earth itself. Gemini's ability to soar into self-created realms is juxtaposed by the chilling drops back to things-the-way-they-are. These flips from potency to imprisonment are easily understood by means of the myth of the twins, one dark and one light. These drops into the darkness of impotence create a fear that all that Gemini creates lasts only as long as the mania which powers it. This often sets up a deep insecurity regarding the value of the Gemini's work, as well as questions about the ability to follow through and complete anything. This set of fears often drives people with strong planets in Gemini to go to unhealthy lengths to stay aloft and hyper-energized. Addictions to stimulants, mind-enhancing chemicals of all types, and overconsumption of fast-food entertainment are common methods of avoiding the dreaded drops. These, however, prevent Gemini from reaching a state of integrated power by artificially widening the manic-depressive divide.

Cancer: The Cancer

For Cancer, the issues from which addiction springs are those of a divided heart-mind. The inherent urge to set down deep emotional roots (or tentacles) is problematized by a deep uncertainty about the object of attachment. This leads to a boiling subconscious sea of doubts and contradictory behavior. Attempts to avoid or quell these doubts artificially are often the type of addictive or self-imprisoning behavior. Chemicals or artificial experiences that return the Cancer to a simplified, emotionally oriented approach to life are typical. Alcohol and other downers are a good tool for this. These regressive experiences create a repressed set of contradictory motivations that sometimes boil over into quasi-psychotic behavior that destroys the very connections that they consciously nurture, sometimes by forming an opposing and exclusive set of connections, like having 2 families.

Leo: The Lion

For Leo, a fear of dependence is often the root issue behind self-destructive, self-imprisoning, and addictive behavior Beneath the sunshine of self-empowerment, Leo is often paralyzed by knowledge of its origins. The tender emergence from the childhood shell as well as all people and energy that go into making the successful Leo radiant is both a blind and soft spot. The dependence of the performer on the audience, and the dependence of nobility on the people ruled is the dependence that Leo often turns away from. This creates a false confidence, a insecure and therefore hungry egotism, and a destructive narcissicism. Leo's self-destructive behavior loop is to create a dramatized play of self-destruction, which they will perform in order to garner the support and care that they consciously deny that they need. Other, more self-controlled Leos may take a dictatorial role in relationships, "making" those close to them take care of them. The coercive nature of this dynamic prevents them from feeling dependent, since they "control" the support given to them.

Virgo: The Virgin

Virgo is a sign concerned with intelligent manipulation of the material environment, both internal and external, body and world. The constant act of self reconfiguration makes Virgo rather prone to addictive issues, but also wise in the ways of overcoming them. Virgo's sticking point is often self-esteem. Virgo is often so highly praised for function that become insecure about value of the central and target-less light of self. The resulting addiction to functionality and negligent self-respect is often the basis for issues. An exaggerated case takes drugs to become the perfect tool needed by their life, and then takes drugs to recover from that. They may also take drugs to avoid the mode of consciousness mandated by function. Missing the whole time is a relaxed acceptance of self. Virgo is the pill-popper of the zodiac, with a medicine bag and tool kit designed to chemically alter them into the proper tool for the occasion.

Libra: The Scales

Libra's self destructive behaviors are easy to recognize: laziness, excessive pleasure seeking, and over involvement in doomed relationships. The origin of this behavior is rarely the pleasure of the act, but often comes from a sincere desire to avoid any real work. A disdain for solitary, uninspired drudgery is paramount. This often includes careful work on any creation, most especially the self. There is often an unconscious belief that they do not have the capability to bring anything to completion. Editing and perfecting bring up this insecurity, and projects are abandoned in favor of something fun, something that does not bring up deep insecurities.

Scorpio: The Scorpion

For Scorpio, condemned behavior is reputed to be the norm. But taboo behavior is not the same as self-destructive behavior. Scorpio's direction is to unearth the pearls of wisdom buried within banned books and outlawed behaviors. Daliance with illegal substances is by no means the same as self-undoing. For Scorpio, the set of issues that turns flirting with death into heavy petting is usually loneliness. Being made to make its own way, Scorpio is equipped with the tools to ignore idiots and drive straight to the personal core of the matter, regardless of opinion. The very boldness that makes Scorpio what it is also drives others away and destroys social harmony. Scorpio's numerous unmet social needs deform their explorations. Bloating relationships with inappropriate intensity on one hand, and avoiding normal, balanced, relationships on the other hand is common. Alcohol is a Scorpio favorite, as it over-rides the excessive self-control that deforms their social patterns.

Sagittarius: The Archer

Sagittarius distributes its energy far and wide. Sagittarius primary function is to distribute the vision of its ideal as far and wide as possible. The rider stops just long enough to set fire to each house or heart before moving on. What is missing is a permanence of exchange, a depth and duration of intersection. This missing portion of life is partially responsible for the many Sagittarian excesses. Too many drugs and too much sex is a way for Sagittarians to temporarily overcome their knowledge that they must march onward and actually share an experience, rather than just providing a spectacle. This leads to a variety of bizarre attachments to people and places that only surface when Sagittarius loses conscious control. The revelry that may start in the name of good times often deepens into the surfacing of a deep and terrible need for human contact. Drugs that keep Sagittarius thinking that everything can be controlled and therefore do not expose them to this vulnerability are often favored (addiction to sobriety is possible). In other cases, obsession with the few experiences that create intimacy, however intimate, is also common.

Capricorn: The Sea-Goat

Capricorn knows its way around tight spaces and narrowed choices. Its this very placement in space and time that disposes Capricorn to its style of self undoing. A sometimes too-acute sense of reality leads to complete reality-denial, with the same crusty foot-planted stance Capricorn takes on practical matters. This attitude often becomes a "I can do whatever I want" stubborn-ness that, in fact, means, "I can do exactly what I think is a terrible idea." Capricorn is big on using up material resources for unnecessary extravagance as a way of cutting the ground out from under themselves, and making their ambitions impossible to achieve. Gambling and a whole host of chemical abuses are preferred methods of autodeconstruction.

Aquarius: The Water Bearer

Aquarius' plunge into the personal abyss of self-undoing is often most evident in their material position. The constrained material position that cannot do justice to Aquarian ideas comes about for several reasons. First, it creates a situation where the experimental ideas that occur to Aquarius will never have to be tested for value, thus allowing the Aquarian to continue an unblemished connection to the theoretical purity of their ideal. A constrained situation is also a result of a deep misunderstanding of human organization. The stated Aquarian ideal of justice and equality is contradicted by a deeply alienated and aristocratic disposition, wherein one believes that other cannot possibly be like them. This leads to a bifurcation in self-esteem, where the self, not able to be equal, is assumed to be either inferior or superior to others. The ideal of quality is a fantasy wherein the painful question itself dissolves.

Pisces: The Fishes

Pisces rivals Virgo for King/Queen of self-defeating behavior. Pisces' quest to redeem the residents of the exotic and terrifying layers of the psyche makes them inherently vulnerable to them. The residents of these layers are the root of self-undoing behaviors, such as addictions. Pisces is fated to deal with these characters, either by consciously putting them to work or being lionized by them. When Pisces has accepted this facet of fate, they are prone to anything which will dull the often sharp edges of their exploration's emotional impact. When they are in denial of the ultimate necessity of blending the yin and yang of psychological life, addictive behavior becomes even worse. It is not dark or light that Pisces must choose between, but the choice between both or one. If Pisces picks dark, it loses its transformative power and drowns in lightless depths, whereas when they choose only to side with the light, they become the most irritating bible bangers, proselytizing their pseudo-salvation. Addiction for Pisces takes any and all forms, but the root is an addiction to a set of beliefs which deny the polarity and dynamism of their experience.

Disclaimer: If you do not take every word of these horoscopes into you with the utmost faith, you will die. Statistics bear this out. Simply scan the newspapers. You will find that an overwhelming majority of the people that die each week DID NOT read the Baron's horoscopes. If your newspaper or your mom's website are interested in publishing the Baron's weekly prophetics, shoot this old guy an email at Dr.Coppockalypse@gmail.com. The Baron is also available for birthdays, weddings, funerals and orgies.

COPYRIGHT 2006 ABYSSAL EPISTLES

Baron Classics: Relationships

(W)HOROSCOPES!

The Baron tells it like it is about the 12 tribes of the zodiac in the state of relationship. You know in your heart you've always wanted it. It's time for (w)horoscopes, bitches!

Special Note: For double-plus good reading fun, remember to read the (w)horoscope of someone you despise as well as yourself. It will make you feel better.

Aries: You're Invincible!

You're so tough! Your spit-fire spirit just never lets up. No, that's not true. It consistently crashes and burns, as your inflated expectations smash into the hard brick wall of reality. You're left bleeding and unconscious. You tend to wake up in bed, magically bandaged and ready to get back to the battlefield. But its not magic. It's the people close to you who prop you up and patch you up when you're broken and battered. You won't lose people's love or admiration if you drop the tough guy/girl act, you'll earn it.

Taurus: Meatsy

You are not being used. And if you are, it's probably your own goddamn fault. Offering yourself up like a financially solid slab of roast beast has its own consequences.

Gemini: Cut the Inner Dialogue

You are not that interesting. Your thoughts are not that important. I know that you are interest-ed in getting to know yourself better, but that's because you are a shattered mirror of a person, and hope that by gazing at your reflection in each and every sharpened fragment you will someday regain unity. As exciting as your psychological odyssey may be to you, it bores the shit out of your loved and liked ones to hear you narrate the pointless conversations that go on within your head. Get out of your narcissistic self dialogue and speak to the people in your life like they're something other than an audience for your inner drama.

Cancer: No Use Crying Over Poured Milk

Take a step back. You have a dream of being able to pour yourself endlessly into another person, and having them pour back into you. Like water exchanged to and fro between two (of) cups. This wet dream leaves no place for any independence or identity from the relationship. It is almost impossible to extricate water from one cup that's been poured into another. Some of your dreams of losing your ego into other people are romanticized escapism and a premature mysticism. Wanting independence from the relationship does not mean that they don't care. It means that they are normal, healthy, and sane, and want to stay that way. .

Leo: The Heart's Crematorium

You can be a gentle centered light, beaming warmth into all those around you. You can also be a hungry bonfire of vanity, out of control and unable to meet your own oppressive ego needs. Those close to you often get tossed into the furnace of your self-image. Remember to pour a little bit of that 40 oz on the ground for those who support and feed the staggering weight of your self-importance in times of need.

Virgo: Ah, Perfection

You do all the right things. Just like a robot! How often your selfless acts of service become belittling guilt-trips. Favors become razor cuts, slowly draining the life blood from the partnership until your partner is just as lifeless, perfect and pose-able as a mannequin. There's more to love than doing the dishes for someone.

Libra: Place-Holder

You are a co-dependent weakling. You don't always get attached to one person, and may even spend periods of time alone, but you're rarely able to function effectively without someone else to define you. You romanticize your psychological dependence on people in order to justify your relationships and make your partners feel special when they are often just place-holders. Try seeing yourself without another person.

Scorpio: Gross Injustice (Yuck)

Your presence bribes people with the promise of a hot, dirty coiling of flesh and energy. You can give up to the moment, but the rest of the time you focus maniacally on controlling the emotional exchange. Your preferred formula goes something like this: You inject your every negative moment into the other, and suck what little happiness they have out of them to replenish yourself when you're feeling low. You get their good, they get your bad. There is a deep, fear based, inequality in the way that you deal with people in personal relationships.

Sagittarius: Theoretical Problems in Astrology

Relationships, you? Sag, how did you get into this column? Shouldn't you be off chasin' tail? Supposing its possible for you to find itself in a serious relationship, there would be problems. You would probably ignore the person before and after sexy-time. You would probably also have a hard time seeing the relationship from any perspective but your own idealized, myopic one. Your partner would also probably also suffer greatly at the expense of your narcicissm and impossible self-image. This is all hypothetical, of course.

Capricorn: After 5000 Years, I'm FREE!

You're wonderful. At first. Put together and tight laced, you're on your best behavior until you've gotten a commitment from someone. Then the seal is broken, and the ancient demon is released from its terrible prison. This demon is intent on creating misery. It doesn't seem to care whether its you or the other person that's miserable, as long as somebody's helpless and in pain. Show the person you're close to a fraction of the respect you'd show your boss, and keep the devil on a leash.

Aquarius: Blah Blah Blah

You're smart. Well, you think a lot. That's something. I guess. Regardless, you somehow seem to be able to fit every event in a relationship into a gigantic over-arching super-structure of explanations and rationalizations. It all makes sense to you. And it better make sense to your loved ones in exactly the same way. Either that, or they're in for long, boring tirades where you "explain" the relationship. Why does it have to be explained?

Pisces: Poor You!

You are good at relationships. It is just by COMPLETE COINCIDENCE that everyone that you're in a relationship with isn't. Don't change. There's nothing wrong with you except your "luck." And that's not your fault, is it?

Disclaimer: If you do not take every word of these horoscopes into you with the utmost faith, you will die. Statistics bear this out. Simply scan the newspapers. You will find that an overwhelming majority of the people that die each week DID NOT read the Baron's horoscopes.

If your newspaper or your mom's website are interested in publishing the Baron's weekly prophetics, shoot this old guy an email at Dr.Coppockalypse@gmail.com. The Baron is also available for birthdays, weddings, funerals and orgies.

Copyright 2006 Abyssal Epistles

Astrology Nov. 19-25: Status Report

Disclaimer: If you do not take every word of these horoscopes with the utmost faith, you will die. Statistics bear this out. Simply scan the newspapers. You will find that an overwhelming majority of the people that die each week DID NOT read the Baron's horoscopes.

Vol. 114: Status Report

This week the Sun moves into Sagittarius on Friday, just after Thanksgiving, followed shortly by a Full Moon on Saturday. This shifts some of the spotlight away from the clinging problems produced by Mars Retrograde and onto the potential benefits promised Jupiter in Sagittarius. And it is here, between cloying conflicts and a success just over the horizon, that we will stay for the next several weeks.

Mars Retrograde: Well Spoken

Last week Mars went retrograde, making what astrologers call a phasis, an "appearance that speaks." And speak he did. Within 24 hours of Mars going retrograde, Chile experienced a 7.7 earthquake, and a massive typhoon pounded the unfortunate country of Bangladesh.

Instead increasing in volume, the internecine conflict between the democratic party went retrograde at the widely watched democratic debate in Las Vegas, Nevada. Instead of being goaded forward to tear pieces from one another, the candidates, especially John Edwards, were booed for their mudslinging attacks. Mars retrograde, indeed.

This retraction of a combative stance is characteristic of the retrograde. It is Mars' usual office to aid people in asserting their identities. It is an energy that provides support for the activities of the ego. Retrograde, Mars suggests a retraction of the ego in order to prevail in the many conflicts that have emerged in the lead up to Mars' retrograde.

On a personal level, it is as if Mars has entered the underworld in order to be reborn. Just as Venus entered an underworld this summer, Mars enters into a period where he retracts his energies from the current conflicts and walks through a twilight state of transformation. Pursuit of unnecessary conflicts will be especially disastrous during the coming months.

Jupiter and Pluto: Big Shots

After Mars' speaking appearance, the Sun moves out of Mars' nightside domicile, Scorpio, and enters Sagittarius. As we adjust to the strange situation of a retrograde Mars, concerns shift to Jupiter. As Scorpio is the charnel storehouse of Mars, Sagittarius is Jupiter's hyperactive crackhouse. Jupiter, in Sagittarius since last December, is headed for a conjunction early this December with Pluto.

This conjunction with Pluto is especially important, as Jupiter makes this conjunction just before Pluto enters Capricorn, where the dark lord will take up his throne for the next 15 years. Pluto sets up camp in the infernal spaces beneath and beyond the sign he occupies, placing a powerful, mysterious and potentially dangerous undertone on the operations of that particular sign for the entire time he reigns there.

Jupiter conjuncts Pluto every 12 years, with a variety of interesting effects. For those born under its auspices, it can denote a tremendous ambition. It is interesting that the 2 richest men in America, Bill Gates and Warren Buffet, were both born with Jupiter-Pluto conjunctions. Along the same lines, the time surrounding the conjunction is also considered a fine time to open a business, as the tangle of energies that enriches can be harnessed, even if one was not born under them. Caught up with Mars, as it is, the pending Jupiter-Pluto conjunction suggests that confrontations regarding nuclear arsenals are likely to heat up again, with North Korea and Iran both set to re-enter the limelight over the next month.

Horoscopes: November 19^th-25^th

Note on Horoscopes: 12 Fold horoscopes are a way to assess the general condition of the splayed rays of the zodiac. Although not without value, they are a blunt tool, and can only describe the archetypal activity in each power-zone. In order to sharpen the accuracy of the horoscopes, read your Sun Sign if you were born during the day-time, and read your Moon Sign if you were born at night. Reading the Sign in which the Ascendant is placed is always advised.

Aries: You Are Not Alexander, This Is Not The Gordian Knot

Mars' retrograde turn sent many Aries into a panic. The old tricks aren't working, and pushing them harder isn't going to help. During the next few months, your personal power will be in a state of transformation. Not only that, but the form emerging is a strange one, and full of the contradictions one might find in kung-fu movies. "By embracing softness, you will truly become impenetrable." Things like that. Especially highlighted are your relationships. Radical moves to remove yourself from tangled situations will not be effective.

Taurus: "Moo" Is A Sound, Not A Word

Taurus, your social spheres of activity are all lit up like southern California. Communications, most likely regarding a romantic interest, that have been troubled for over a month become clear later in the week, likely prompting a new approach to the situation. If you haven't improved, or at least recognized the need for improvement in your communications, especially your tone, then the following weeks will bring you more evidence of this particularly deficiency.

Gemini: Work, Play, Work

The Sun's movement into Sagittarius lights up your relationships to others and brings a more social tone to the next month, beyond what Thanksgiving gatherings will bring. Your mind is likely bound up in matters of work and problems-solving small financial and physical issues. The Baron recommends balancing your work regimen with the fun provided for by Venus in Libra. Balance is the key word here, because current planetary positions make it easy for you to lose your mind to pleasurable engagements.

Cancer: Little Pinchy Adjustments

As has been promised, Mars has gone retrograde in your sign. The problems that have arisen over the last 2 months connected to issues of self assertion and anger are now in a position to be dealt with. And by dealt with, I do not mean attacked. In fact, you will profit immensely during the coming months by taking an "empty" stance in relationship to others. You will further your aims more effectively by adjusting others subtly towards your viewpoint rather than openly stating your position. If it helps, imagine your little invisible crab minions making pinchy adjustments on everyone you need them to.

Leo: Reinforcements

Leo, as it stands, you sign is hemmed in by problems. Before you are financial difficulties, and vying for a clear shot at your back are a host of personal demons- both your own and other people's. But all is not lost. The Sun's movement into fellow fire-sign Sagittarius this Friday marshals reinforcements to your aid. Heightened vitality and a more positive outlook arrive, and with them an unusual new perspective on conflict mediation.

Virgo: Fortified Position

The Sun's movement into Sagittarius this Friday shifts the spotlight in your life to your home and foundations. With Saturn having arrived in your sign only a few months ago and Mars having gone retrograde in Cancer, its likely that you need to reconfigure your foundations in order to accommodate the changes in progress. With all the bullshit flying around, consider converting your living room into a fortified bomb-shelter, with arrow-slits and vats of boiling oil to help repel couch-invaders.

Libra: Bubble of Balance

Libra, you remain a buoy of balance in the swirling seas of suck. Well, you could remain a buoy of balance, if you felt like it. The current trial for Libra is to utilize the balance coming their way to help mediate the myriad conflicts around them, rather than withdrawing into an insulated bubble of equilibrium. Criticizing the people in your life for being stupid is not enough, you have to help them not be stupid. Consider letting people cling to you. For a change.

Scorpio: Paranoia Carapace

Happy Birthday to the ass-end of the Scorpios. Or should I say tail-end. Prepare to be passed over in favor of turkey-fueled gluttony. You're used to it by now, right? Regarding your forecast, the skies look likely to continue a slow drizzle of feces into your life. Behind the scenes, your worldview is undergoing a painful metamorphosis into something a little less insulated and paranoid. The great and terrible gods have decided to do this by exposing you to just how insulated and paranoid you are. As a thought, try to react to these realizations without insulating yourself with paranoia.

Sagittarius: Working For The Man

Happy birthday, Sagittarius. This year, your fears will disappear, and all of your dreams will come true. Just kidding. If your dreams came true, the world would be a much more irritating place for the rest of us. The Full Moon following immediately after the Sun's entrance into Sagittarius indicates a busy month spent trying to meet your life's many minute requirements. Yes, Sagittarius, you'll be working for Saturn this month. So make sure to dot your i and cross your t's.

Capricorn: Open Positions

Owing to Venus in Libra's influence, Capricorn is currently in a better position than the rest of the zodiacal tribes. However, Mars' retrograde in Cancer will be busy reconfiguring your both your social sphere and what you consider your home base for the next few months. Friends are more likely to be exiting your life than entering at the present moment. Don't fret, they're creating openings that will be filled at a later time. However, you may have to wait until your birthday before you begin interviewing candidates.

Aquarius: Friends In The Right Places

Work and career continue to be the primarily areas of action for you, Aquarius. You are currently making the communications and connections necessary to adjust to the period of change in that area. The Sun's movement into Sagittarius shifts the monthly spotlight onto friends and comrades and opportunities they hold that you may have missed out on earlier in the year.

Pisces: Better Late Than Never

The entrance of the Sun into Sagittarius indicates a key career month for Pisces. It would be gravy, but Saturn in Virgo presents a host of difficulties for you to overcome in the coming week, many of the social. Being quirky and creative is great, but you also need a work ethic and quantifiable results. Scheduling is an important issue, and so is focusing on product rather than process. Establish a good rhythm and you will increase your chances for success.

Services: If you'd like a personal consultation with the man behind the mask, message the Baron's mortal vehicle at Xroadsconsultations@gmail.com. The Baron is also available for birthdays, weddings, funerals and orgies.

Copyright 2007 Abyssal Epistles
Sol in Scorpio, Luna in Aries

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