Astrology Dec. 17th-23rd: Solomon's Mine

ABYSSAL EPISTLES
The Astrology of Baron Samadhi von Coppockalypse, Ph.D

Disclaimer: If you do not take every word of these horoscopes with the utmost faith, you will die. Statistics bear this out. Simply scan the newspapers. You will find that an overwhelming majority of the people that die each week DID NOT read the Baron's horoscopes.

Vol. 118: Solomon’s Mine

This week sees 2 important markers come to pass. The first is the annual winter solstice, which occurs on the 22^nd. The other is the yearly movement of Jupiter into a new sign. On Tuesday, the 18^th, Jupiter enters Capricorn, where the big planet will remain until early 2009. But before examining the essential nature of Jupiter in Capricorn, it is important to consider the difference between Jupiter in Sagittarius and Capricorn.

Jupiter’s Transition

Jupiter is powerful and comfortable in Sagittarius, one of the Signs Jupiter is said to rule. In Sagittarius, Jupiter inspires tremendous faith and reveals the raw power of belief. Here Jupiter inflates expectations and expands perspectives. He unlocks possibilities that are only possible by the belief in their possibility. Jupiter’s presence in Sagittarius is considered to be a positive force active throughout the entire year that he is in the sign. The ballooned popularity of the popular “belief-magic” system, “The Secret” in 2007 is an example of Jupiter’s work.

In Capricorn, Jupiter will show a very different face. Whereas Jupiter in Sagittarius provides abundant opportunities to expand one’s beliefs, Jupiter in Capricorn shifts the focus rather drastically earthwards, concentrating on creating material evidence for one’s perspective.

Because Capricorn is in Saturn’s domain, much of the growth which Jupiter provides will come as a result of cutting away what is inessential and organizing what remains. This provides a classic formula: growth through limitation, expansion through contraction. Rewards are possible, but will likely be delayed. Jupiter in Capricorn favors careful, responsible growth, especially that growth that comes as a result of taking on the challenge of greater organization and responsibility.

Wherever he treads on the wheel of the skies, Jupiter stimulates spiritual and religious growth. While in Capricorn, Jupiter will provide energy for those creeds which are conservative and established or very concerned with the material world. Evangelical fundamentalists and Satanists should both have a good year.

Demands of the Real

While Jupiter in Sagittarius encouraged people to follow the possibilities of what they believed in, Jupiter in Capricorn encourages those with vision to build the great earthy bones that will support what they have seen. This sounds fine and dandy until one considers what happens when vision becomes empire. Poor Jesus must have a lengthy commentary on the subject. What exists in vision and belief is pure- it has had to make none of the compromises necessary for manifestation. And yet it is that very possibility of manifestation that makes vision such a tantalizing thing.

In order to manifest something divine, one has to deal with the less-than-divine forces of the material world. Visualization’s great, but nothing substantial was ever built without organization, effort, and a willingness to get one’s hand’s dirty.

Solomon’s Art

The Vedic astrologers refer to Jupiter as “Guru,” which means, roughly, “spiritual teacher.” And so it is helpful when we are trying to understand Jupiter’s work in a particular sign to ask ourselves who the new Guru is? Jupiter in Capricorn is a more severe teacher than Jupiter in Sagittarius.

One is reminded of the stories of Solomon the King, a biblical patriarch around whom a host of stories swirl. Solomon was a magician and the builder of a great temple. And how did this pillar of holiness construct his temple? With the hands of angels, the gossamer touch of ethereal wings? No. King Solomon called on the service of the spirits of the material world, demons to the Hebrews. One by one, he bound them to the task of constructing his temple. And this is important. He bound them to what he considered a holy task. He did not bind himself to a materialistic task, but instead bound materialistic forces to a spiritual task. Nice work. To this day, there is an entire branch of the occult focuses on this task, with Solomon as the key figure.

If we take Solomon as our teacher for the year that Jupiter is in Capricorn, then what is he here to teach? Clearly, he’s here to help us get our demons organized, obedient, and ready to lay foundations. Although having an army of demons sounds sweet, a brief moment of meditation on the subject makes it clear that problems abound. Those powerful forces of the material world and our own lower natures are the key to presence in the real world, and yet each offers a powerful distraction to the very purpose which would task them. When doing this type of work it is easy to let the process of manifestation eclipse the ideals which prompted the task in the first place.

It is also difficult because the very forces one needs to make one’s vision real tend to contradict the nature of that vision. For the pure of heart , there is a tendency to shy away from dealing with such forces. Between being afraid to involve such things in one’s vision and being led off one’s original path, the lessons and training program that Jupiter in Capricorn presents are not easy nor are they consequence-free.

Horoscopes: Jupiter In Capricorn

Note on Horoscopes: 12 Fold horoscopes are a way to assess the general condition of the splayed rays of the zodiac. Although not without value, they are a blunt tool, and can only describe the archetypal activity in each power-zone. In order to sharpen the accuracy of the horoscopes, read your Sun Sign if you were born in the day-time, and read your Moon Sign if you were born at night. Reading the Sign in which the Ascendant is placed is also advised.

Aries: The Ram

Aries, the personal demons that Jupiter in Capricorn will have you wrangling for the next year are professional ones. You’ll be learning to take what you know and organize it into something more professionally viable. Refining your work habits and methods is the key to getting the most out of Jupiter’s passage through Capricorn.

Taurus: The Bull

For you, Taurus, Jupiter in Capricorn is likely to have a powerful impact on your personal philosophy. You’ll be stimulated to deal with powerful life questions whose outcomes will change the social circles you move through as well as helping to better define your relationship to occult forces. The key to unlocking these changes is refining the structure of your life-style.

Gemini: The Twins

For you Gemini, Jupiter in Capricorn shine a light into the taboo parts of society for you, as well as what’s off-limits in your own mind. These decidedly dark spheres are host to the demons Jupiter will have you confronting this year. Successful confrontations will result in benefits to both your career and relationships. The key to negotiating this period most masterfully is an ongoing analysis of your emotional limitations.

Cancer: The Crab

For you, Cancer, Jupiter in Capricorn will likely bring you face to face with people holding the very type of wisdom described above. You’ll also be given a number of lessons in how to strategically manage your relationships over the next year. Lessons learned are likely to go on to benefit your overall view on life as well as your work habits and physical health. The key to getting the most out of the coming period is in recognizing the limitations in the way that you communicate and working on it.

Leo: The Lion

For you, Leo, Jupiter will be providing a vision of the demons running loose in your workplace and your own work habits. You’ll be learning how you’re contributing to the chaos, as well as how to keep troublesome employees on task. The key is in looking at the way you handle money and the concept of value, in general. Lessons learned in this area will go on to benefit your lifestyle as well as putting you more in tune with the hidden energies in your life.

Virgo: The Virgin

Virgo, it’s your lifestyle that’s got demons running amuck. This year Jupiter will be teaching you how to make sure they’re working for you and not vice versa. The key to this work is looking realistically at yourself, acknowledging your own limitations and working beyond them. Lessons learned are poised to powerfully benefit both your relationships and home life.

Libra: The Scales

Libra, the demonic forces you’re going to learn how to keep under control this year are mucking in your home town, and its quite likely they know every member of your family. A key to this task lies in the structure of your own subconscious. By understanding how personal scripts are written, you’ll be in the position to edit them. Lessons learned will end up benefiting your physical health, work habits and communication skills.

Scorpio: The Scorpion

Scorpio, the demons you’ll be confronted with this year are thronging about in your circle of friends, regular contacts, as well as hiding inside your own communication skills. The key to keeping them under control and on task comes from understanding the social mechanics that make groups tick. Successful subjugation of personal demons will benefit your finances and life style.

Sagittarius: The Archer

Sag, the demons you’ll learn to wrangle this year are in your bank account as well as in your personal set of values. The key to putting these demons to work can be found by understanding the structure of your professional situation better. Lessons learned will make you more comfortable with your changing position.

Capricorn: The Goat

Capricorn, YOU are the demon you’ll be learning how to control this year. The key to keeping yourself on the path of your choosing comes from recognizing the limits of your personal philosophy and moving beyond it. Besides benefiting as a being, you’ll also see your local circle of acquaintances expand.

Aquarius: The Water Bearer

Aquarius, the demons you’ll be learning to get in line are…well, they’re your own inner demons. The same ones you’ve always had. The key to getting those bastards in line for the next year is in an exploration of your own taboos. You marked certain areas off-limits, and its those barriers which are holding you back from making important changes. Lessons learned will go on to benefit your bank account as well as expand your circle of acquaintances.

Pisces: The Fishes

Pisces, the demons you’ll be marshalling over the coming year are your friends. Yes, you’ll be dealing with the unruly power present in those that you know. The key to getting the most out of this period lies in understanding the structure of your interactions. Recognize the limitations in the way that you relate and then move beyond them. You’ll benefit personally from lessons learned in this area and your career will like it, too.

Services: If you'd like a personal consultation with the man behind the mask, message the Baron's mortal vehicle at Xroadsconsultations@gmail.com. The Baron is also available for birthdays, weddings, funerals and orgies.

COPYRIGHT ABYSSAL EPISTLES 2007

Sol in Sagittarius , Luna in Aries

Astrology Dec. 10th-16th: Empires' Tide

ABYSSAL EPISTLES
The Astrology of Baron Samadhi von Coppockalypse, Ph.D

Disclaimer: If you do not take every word of these horoscopes with the utmost faith, you will die. Statistics bear this out. Simply scan the newspapers. You will find that an overwhelming majority of the people that die each week DID NOT read the Baron's horoscopes.

Volume 117: Empires' Tide

This week, we take a break from our focus on the personal implications of the planet's positions to consider something on a larger scale. This Tuesday hosts the conjunction of Jupiter with Pluto in Sagittarius. This rare event occurs only once every 250 years or so. Jupiter's conjunction with Pluto in Sagittarius is attuned to the life cycles of the collective, and marks a decisive shift in the currents of world history.

When Mars stationed retrograde last month, there were earthquakes and typhoons within the very day. Although it may color the day, the Jupiter-Pluto conjunction in Sag is a historical marker, not simply a single or quick string of events. Each time it occurs, the form of world power begins to shift. An empire, representing a type of power, starts to decay while another, representing the new form of power begins to rise. A quick look at the outlines of Western history during the last 3 of these conjunctions will make the pattern clear.

Jupiter-Pluto conjunction in Sagittarius, 1260 AD:

In 1260, the Mongol Empire began its decline, facing its first decisive defeat by the Mamluks, at Ain Jalut in Palestine. Kublai Khan succeeds mighty Ghenghis Khan, and presides over the Mongol's waning years. Meanwhile, in Europe, the rising hegemony of the Church is marked by the completion of the Cathedral at Chartres, an achievement that took decades to complete. Construction on 3 more cathedral projects begins soon after. These cathedrals marks the growing power of the Church as the dominant force which binds all of Europe. Papal hegemony up, Mongols down!

Jupiter-Pluto conjunction in Sagittarius, 1509 AD:

The next conjunction of Jupiter and Pluto in Sagittarius happens in 1509. Just as 1260 marked the hegemony of papal power with the Cathedral at Chartres and the decline of the Mongol threat, 1509 hosts 2 events which mark the end of Church ascendancy in Europe. The first is the coronation of England's notorious Henry the VIII. Henry the VIII was the first European monarch who broke from Vatican power and established state control of religion. The Church of England, the first successful large scale revolt against Rome and is considered to have paved the way for the Reformation. It is also interesting to note that Erasmus' Praise of Folly was also written in 1509. Praise of Folly was a wildly popular satire of the Church considered to be one of the seeds of the Reformation. European Papal power, which was on the rise during the last Jupiter-Pluto conjunction in Sagittarius, now gives way to the sovereignty of the European nations, who spend the next several centuries in ruthless pursuit of every part of the world they can get their hands on. Dueling Monarchies up, Papal power down!

Jupiter-Pluto conjunction in Sagittarius, 1758 AD:

1758 is smack dab in the middle of the 7 Years war, whose immediate consequence was to dethrone France from its position at the head of the European pack. In the following years, both France and England's New World colony undergo bloody Democratic revolutions where the Monarchy itself is overthrown. Although England jumps into the top-spot after France, the shift in power here is not simply from France to England. England becomes the world's first global super-power, a position later usurped by its former colony, the United States. Capitalist super-powers up, dueling Monarchies down!

Jupiter-Pluto conjunction in Sagittarius, 2007 AD:

Which brings us to the present. The United States, the winner of the last round's game, is currently in the middle of what may very well be a "7 Year War," and is facing a host of problems, both internal and external. Health care and education are both in dire need of reform, while slumbering economic titans India, China, and Russia are beginning to stir. Does this mean the end of the United States? Certainly not. But it does mark the end of the era of the Global Capitalist Superpower, begun by England at the last Jupiter-Pluto conjunction in Sagittarius. The world emerging will be shared by many giants, not ruled by one. It is the beginning of Global Feudalism, where the nuclear and economic heavy-weights jockey for control of the world and its resources. It is the world foreseen by cyber-punk writers and post-modern theorists, a world of international corporate feudalism. A world of global tribes. World peace? World government? Not a chance. Check in at the next Jupiter-Pluto conjunction in Sag, 250 years from now. Perhaps then we'll see Karl Marx's prophesied transition from capitalism to communism.

If we examine these roughly 250 year periods, we notice that there is an alternation between periods of unity and multiplicity. The West is united under the Church, whose power dissolves, leaving a pack of competing powers. Then the age of competing powers is overwhelmed by the emergence of the global super-power. The era we are on the cusp of is analogous to the last transition from unity to multiplicity, when the Church's hegemony over Europe was broken and the era of competing European nations ensued. Call it Colonization 2.0.

This is a gigantic topic. Little can be done in this constrained format but to scratch the surface of the political, religious, cultural and economic character of this shift. It is important to note that although the Jupiter-Pluto conjunction marks turning points, it is Pluto's movement into Capricorn in the following decades that sees the structure of the old systems decay while those of the new gain ascendancy.

Now back to your regularly scheduled horoscopes.

Horoscopes: December 10^th-16^th

Note on Horoscopes: 12 Fold horoscopes are a way to assess the general condition of the splayed rays of the zodiac. Although not without value, they are a blunt tool, and can only describe the archetypal activity in each power-zone. In order to sharpen the accuracy of the horoscopes, read your Sun Sign if you were born in the day-time, and read your Moon Sign if you were born at night. Reading the Sign in which the Ascendant is placed is also advised.

Aries: Misguided Missiles

The Sagittarian season is a generally jollier time for you than the cold tunnel of Scorpio. And although a multitude of planets throng about in Sagittarius, Venus is still creeping through Scorpio. You're likely being led to a heightened understanding of how your misguided missiles are impacting those around you. Although you are subject to these lessons in further self-limitation, the general levity of the time will prevent you from getting lost down any holes.

Taurus: Want

Perhaps you could do without the level of unnecessary levity the Sagittarian season brings. The focus for Taurus is still quite squarely set upon the subject of the desire that you're ensnared in. You're likely unsure whether your current obsession is worth your time or if you're trying to dig a tunnel to a treasure that doesn't exist. Venus' coming trine to Uranus will provide the illumination you need in this particular matter.

Gemini: Habit Formation Pattern

The amount of Sagittarius present in the season has had you looking at yourself from angle usually reserved for others. The Sagittarian season may also be temporarily accelerating the rate at which you partake of your bad habits. There are prizes to be won and cash to be had in limiting the amount of time and energy you spend on habits that you see little return from. Think about it.

Cancer: Walk The Line, Sideways

This time is somewhat less joyous for the Cancers than the other tribes of the zodiac. It's likely that you feel awhirl in a series of draining interactions. This particular set of difficulties is in the process of testing and refining your set of responses to having your shell pierced. You will profit by addressing problematic interactions but will cause greater pains for yourself by getting caught in a fight.

Leo: We Don't Negotiate With Leos

Good times and holiday cheer are fine mood altering substances for Leos. But there is a circle of draining and unpleasant interactions coloring your emotional life right now that detracts from otherwise pleasant times. The root of these likely lies in bargains you've made with people and parts of yourself that you never should have negotiated with. Live and learn.

Virgo: Roots

The abundance of planets in Sagittarius likely signifies a number of powerful and positive changes taking place at your foundations. It may be a positive change of residence or simply a replanting of your emotional roots. At the same time, your social circle is looking troubled. Powerful but untrustworthy social contacts may be offering benefits that are not likely to last.

Libra: Weighed Down

The holiday season sees you out and about at social events, but you're having a difficult time getting your Libra on. The stress from your retrograde professional situation is likely affecting your ability to hold on to the mood you'd like to have at your disposal. Don't let moments of imbalance weigh too heavily on one side of the scales. Your perspective on the situation is soon to change.

Scorpio: Flux Capacitor

Venus' ongoing visit through Scorpio's dark abode and the bonanza of planets in Sagittarius indicate a rather tight focus on financial issues, with the likelihood of an opportunity unveiling itself. Despite positive developments, your situation is still in the midst of a several month period where your perspective as well as your location may be in flux. Let go of limiting emotional perspectives and move with things.

Sagittarius: Joop-Joop!

Happy birthday, Sagittarius-es. Consider the holiday explosion of Sagittarius in the skies to be a going away for Jupiter, who has graced your sign for all of 2007. You can thank Jupiter for the extra positivity in your perspective, as well as any get out of jail free cards you may have received this year. What? Not everything went as you wanted it to? Too bad. When Jupiter moves into Capricorn, you'll have even less support. Don't expect the planetary powers to do everything for you.

Capricorn: Black Holes and Quasars

There are both bright and dark stars rising on the horizon for Capricorn. Jupiter's coming movement into Capricorn will provide an entire year of bonus luck for enacting whatever plans you may have, either nefarious or boring. Pluto, on the other hand, will insert a dark and unpredictable element to things for years to come. Regardless, you're moving closer to a situation you innately understand how to work within.

Aquarius: Sticky

As the year winds its way into the holidays you find your finances and professional situation tied into a difficult web of problematic emotional and energetic exchanges. The necessary insight into how to handle these worrisome connections is emerging this week, and should present you with the proper perspective to handle your mutating affairs effectively.

Pisces: Sans Puke

Underneath all this holiday revelry there is a darker undercurrent of problematic emotional exchanges and energetic interactions that you've been subject to, Pisces. The necessary insight to deal with these irritations is on the way this week. In the meantime, you'll have to content yourself to appreciate the aspects of Sagittarian revelry you can handle without vomiting.

Services: If you'd like a personal consultation with the man behind the mask, message the Baron's mortal vehicle at Xroadsconsultations@gmail.com. The Baron is also available for birthdays, weddings, funerals and orgies.

COPYRIGHT ABYSSAL EPISTLES 2007

Sol in Sagittarius , Luna in Capricorn

Astrology Dec. 3rd-9th: Well Lit Tunnel

ABYSSAL EPISTLES
The Astrology of Baron Samadhi von Coppockalypse, Ph.D

Disclaimer: If you do not take every word of these horoscopes with the utmost faith, you will die. Statistics bear this out. Simply scan the newspapers. You will find that an overwhelming majority of the people that die each week DID NOT read the Baron's horoscopes.

Vol. 116: Well Lit Tunnel

This week the Moon wanes to a close of the lunar month, finding the Sun on Sunday's New Moon in Sagittarius. The New Moon plays into the underlying dynamic permeating the northern hemisphere's holiday season, which is the tension between a sense of opportunity created by Jupiter in Sagittarius plagued by a set of nagging difficulties and conflicts stimulated by a retrograde Mars in Cancer. The New Moon weighs in on the side of opportunity, and is reinforced by the recent movement of Mercury into Sagittarius. Venus, on the other hand, leaves behind her roles as mediator this Wednesday and begins to feed emotional energy into the underlying conflicts leeching the good cheer from the season. The larger pattern of the planets this week suggests a use of widened perspective to counter-act the conflicts crawling out from the more dimly lit crannies of the current tunnel

Mercury In Sagittarius: Bull Horn of "Truth" +3

Mercury moved in Sagittarius over the weekend, and heralded the emergence of the mind from the tunnel of anxieties, annoyances, and suspicions that Scorpio has been for the last few months. Communications become more positive and open due to Mercury's entrance into Sagittarius. In Sagittarius, Mercury also makes for much more direct and honest communications, with a tendency to view things as they could and should be. This is in contradiction to Mercury in Scorpio, which instead tries to anticipate the negative, and can be a little paranoid.

Venus In Scorpio: Pressure Point Massage

Which brings us to Venus, who leaves the high-minded confines of Libra this Wednesday and enters the Scorpionic tunnel from which Mercury has just emerged. Scorpio's intense domain is difficult in general, but because of the current Mars retrograde, has become an emotional mine-field. As Venus enters this territory, our relationships and moods enter this problematic mental landscape. Venus in Scorpio brings us to our emotional hang-ups- old grudges and unresolved knots in the fabric of our relationships. It highlights the inequalities in our energy exchange with people in our lives, and can create an obsession with power dynamics that blows issues out of proportion. Even with these difficulties considered, Venus in Scorpio is honest, and can open a dark doorway to the transformation of stagnant relationships.

Horoscopes: December 3^rd-9^th

Note on Horoscopes: 12 Fold horoscopes are a way to assess the general condition of the splayed rays of the zodiac. Although not without value, they are a blunt tool, and can only describe the archetypal activity in each power-zone. In order to sharpen the accuracy of the horoscopes, read your Sun Sign if you were born in the day-time, and read your Moon Sign if you were born at night. Reading the Sign in which the Ascendant is placed is also advised.

Aries: Toll

Mercury's movement into Sagittarius heralds visions of positive possibilities this week. If you haven't seen the pot of gold at the end of the pain-bow bridge you've been struggling to traverse, you'll see it see it soon. A fortress of knowledge awaits you at the end of these transformations. While Mercury's movement into Sagittarius affords you clear sight of what remains at the far side of the bridge, Venus' mid-week movement into Scorpio will show you what part of your emotional baggage you've got to leave behind in order to get there.

Taurus: Translucent Tangle

Mercury's movement into Sagittarius will shine a clear light beyond the veil of your hopes and fears, but as Venus enters Scorpio, she leads your feelings straight into that veil, getting tangled in the curtain. Venus' mid-week movement into Scorpio will signal the beginning of a set of confrontations with the objects of desire which are the subject of your confusion. Use your mind to help your heart see the truth behind your current set of attachments.

Gemini: Redirection

As if you were redesigning the microchips in your processor, you're re-routing the flow of information and energy through you daily life. Mercury's movement into Sagittarius marks a turn for the honest in your relationships. You'll be able to be more open about whats been on your mind without illiciting such a bitchy response from people. Venus' movement Scorpio may activate sour feelings in the workplace, and will also find you feeling whatever unhealthy habits you've been having.

Cancer: Taste Bad, More Filling

Cancer, it may seem like the powers that be have you on a liquid diet of foul smelling and gross tasting concoctions. You've slurped down a number of experiences you wouldn't normally have deigned to drink. The bad news is that your liquid diet is by no means over. The good news is that the foul concoctions you've been force-fed are a potent witches' brew of radioactive ooze, and that by the time you're done you'll be manifesting a variety of mutant powers.

Leo: Attitude Adjustment

Mercury's movement into Sagittarius marks a change in your perspective for the positive. The shift isn't only internal, as you'll likely notice people communicating with you in a more pleasing manner, as well. Although Mercury's movement heralds a more positive tone to communications, Venus' movement into Scorpio will draw your attention to financial gripes, especially those relating to property and vehicles. The gripes are part of a larger process taking place throughout the season where the foundations of the way that you go after what you want are undergoing significant changes. It's part of a process so take it in perspective.

Virgo: What You Don't Know Can Hurt You

Mercury's movement into Sagittarius marks a significantly positive turn in your attitude. Your perspective on your own know-how, which has been under fire recently, takes a turn for the better, with the focus shifting from what you don't know to the glory of what you.do. On the other hand, Venus' movement into Scorpio means that you'll be dealing with sour feelings about friendships and sibling relationships. These are currently undergoing renovations, so don't call it quits on anything just because it doesn't look livable right now. Instead, make the space you need to work through your feelings.

Libra: Costume Change

Venus' movement out of your Sign in the middle of the week marks the end of your duty as reconciler. As Venus slips into Scorpio, you'll be exploring the limits to truces you've bartered as people speak more freely and openly. Don't feel like you've failed- your role was a temporary one- to hold things together until communications improved. Venus' movement into Scorpio also means that you may be the one needing support and perspective for the next couple weeks.

Scorpio: Different Angle, Different Topic

Mercury's movement out of your Sign signifies the dispersal of what may have been an unnecessary excess of mental energy. As Mercury moves into to Sagittarius, your intellect moves on to shine on more mundane matters, and from a brighter angle. As your mind leaves the cluster of topics you've been focusing on, your feelings on the same matters become more distinct. Decisions you've made that pertain to your changing financial situation will also be set in motion with Venus' entrance into Scorpio this week.

Sagittarius: Shiny Time

Sweet Sagittarius, its your time, and that means its time to shine. Or at least talk about shining. With Mercury's movement into Sagittarius, your ability to create self-propaganda is looking better than ever. Don't let this offer slip through your fingers! Act now and receive universal support for your awesomely skewed personal version of reality! Mercury may have your back, but Venus will be presenting temptations aplenty to lead you off the straight and narrow path of your own ascension to unnecessary awesomeness. Don't let your competitive streak distract you from what's really important: You.

Capricorn: Inner Ducks

Your social circle is mid-transition, and as Venus moves into Scorpio, you'll be feeling the difficulty of that over the next weeks. Mars Retrograde in Cancer is making it more troublesome for people to penetrate social circles than usual. So no, its not just you. Its the situation. Don't go out of your way to exert effort in areas where it isn't to your advantage. You will profit more from looking inward and getting your inner ducks and demons in a row for winter.

Aquarius: A Friend In Need

Mercury's movement into Sagittarius bolsters what positive thoughts you've got on your side right now, and may manifest as assistance from friends and acquaintances. Which you'll need, as you may find yourself in a painful position for the next month, as you feel your way through your ongoing professional transformation.

Pisces: Birth Canal

With Mercury's movement into Sagittarius, you may find your thoughts gravitating around professional and career issues. There's likely something big there, but with Saturn's presence in Virgo, it may be caught somewhere halfway down the birth canal. The pain of being caught in mid-transformation is formidable, and it is exactly that set of feelings that Venus in Scorpio will be stimulating on and off for the next month. Remember to breath and keep pushing.

Services: If you'd like a personal consultation with the man behind the mask, message the Baron's mortal vehicle at Xroadsconsultations@gmail.com. The Baron is also available for birthdays, weddings, funerals and orgies.

COPYRIGHT ABYSSAL EPISTLES 2007

Sol in Sagittarius, Luna in Libra

Astrology 25th-2nd: Snow Globe Stasis

Disclaimer: If you do not take every word of these horoscopes with the utmost faith, you will die. Statistics bear this out. Simply scan the newspapers. You will find that an overwhelming majority of the people that die each week DID NOT read the Baron's horoscopes.

Vol. 115: Snow Globe Stasis

This week events manifest along the guidelines laid down in previous weeks, with one small change. Uranus, retrograde for months previous, went direct last weekend, sending the creative spirit forward. The changes we feel brewing stir at a subconscious level, but aren’t quite ready to be midwifed into being. Let’s take a look at where things are holding before they change next week.

End Of ATunnel

Mercury tunnels his way through the last degrees of Scorpio, bringing communications to the depths of personal relationships not quite addressed yet. This is troubled territory, where Mercury would like to speak words that need not be spoken during better times. But time, unlike space, is not up to us. And this is not the time. You will benefit by keeping toxic thoughts to yourself and negotiations courteous.

A Snow-Globe, Or Two

Retrograde in the first decanate of Cancer, Mars is walling people up inside emotional snow globes. Although some are engaged in outright battles, the rest are trying to avoid what they cannot repair through engagement. These force-fields of isolation and difference are armor sadly necessary at times.

A Freudian hangover infects the culture, suggesting that we air every complaint in the name of self-exploration and emotional depth. The current circumstances do not favor this underlying orthodoxy. There are therapeutic places, in time as well as space, and although the background energies have woken a number of slumbering feuds, this is not the time to work through them all, because they have not fully emerged.

By unearthing all of our current concerns, we risk the folly of attempting to solve the issues without fully understanding them. Our solutions will likely be as premature as our understanding of the problem.

Four Swords Sit Still

Venus shines from the end of Libra into these affairs. Venus counsels an uneasy truce where true peace is not possible. We must accept the missed messages of the present, and participate in it until it becomes the near future.

Mars is deep in his underworld, busy burrowing far beneath our defenses. Thought causing the occasional surface earthquake in the daylight world, he is still weeks away from reaching the heart of affairs. Mars must tunnel back all the way through Cancer and then into Gemini before he’ll have found the root of the problem, and the true seed of his transformation.

In Gemini he will see these dark roots, the problem with the relationship between the twins. A hostility between dark and light that made it impossible for them to be harnessed to the chariot of the present. Currently striving under an ill-fitting yoke, the twins, as steeds, pull the chariot in too many directions- it goes no-where. Breaking up the team isn’t the answer. Great forward strides will not be made as a unit until the relationships between the members of the team have been transformed.

Horoscopes: Nov. 25^th – Dec. 2^nd

Note on Horoscopes: 12 Fold horoscopes are a way to assess the general condition of the splayed rays of the zodiac. Although not without value, they are a blunt tool, and can only describe the archetypal activity in each power-zone. In order to sharpen the accuracy of the horoscopes, read your Sun Sign if you were born in the day-time, and read your Moon Sign if you were born at night. Reading the Sign in which the Ascendant is placed is also advised.

Aries: Vacation From You

Aries, your impatience is a vice. Usually it’s a small one. But under the current conditions confrontation is likely to lead to useless explosions rather than resolution. It is not time to be honest, because the subject of your honesty is in the midst of transformation. Today’s honesty will be tommorow’s lie. So chill. Instead, the Baron advises planning a neglected sojourn to some far-flung landscape; material, astral, mental or otherwise.

Taurus: Swarm Dispersal

A cow is not complete without a swarm of flies surrounding it, harassing it. Over the last month, those insects have been harassing you with paranoid thoughts, sucking valuable time, energy, and blood. This will be the last week that the carnivorous swarm takes you attention, for come next week communications will take on a more direct tone that leaves less room for suspicion. So wait it out and stop swatting.


Gemini: A Coin For Each Eye

Gemini, last week’s Full Moon in your sign and the Sun’s entrance into Sagittarius puts the spotlight on your relationships with people. Jupiter’s presence in Sagittarius indicates that you’ve been given unusual opportunities to learn from people this year, but with those opportunities has come a hidden cost, indicated by Pluto. The price Pluto asks is different for each person. The question the Sun has come round to shine on is how you’ve responded to these opportunities, what cost you’ve either paid or refused, and whether its been worth it.

Cancer: Forget It

Cancer, you’re midway through a process through which the means by which you generate and understand power will be transformed. If you feel out of your element, it is because you are. Learning means taking on things you do not already comprehend. Opportunity hides in the details of a plan to re-engineer your vehicle. Open yourself to the empty spaces beyond what you’re comfortable with, and forget what you think you’re capable of.

Leo: Tar-Diver

Leo, the problem you thought you’d left behind isn’t gone yet. In fact, its only gotten closer. Its as if you’re doing battle with a tar pit, attempting to break the fossilized bones of your past. But your flailing only draws you deeper into it. Maybe there’s something in there you forgot about, or should forget about.

Virgo: Saturn Survival Tip

Dear Virgo, having Saturn in your sign sucks. The near presence of the reaper’s planet tends to cause the emergence of dire things both great and small. Saturn’s seeming malevolence is subtle, for it not only creates misfortunes, but like the gaze of Medusa, it hardens the witness to these events. One might argue that the true difficulty Saturn poses is not events themselves, but the petrifying effect they have on the mind that sees them. Minds have a way of replicating in reality what they have come to expect. So smile.

Libra: Mediator

It’s likely, Libra, that you’ve reached the limits of your peace-making abilities. Instead of hoping for deep harmony, it may be to your own, and others, advantage to consider the value of a cease-fire. A truce may be temporary, but it still provides real moments of peace. Don’t put yourself on the rack by trying to bridge extremes that won’t quit.

Scorpio: Toy Boat

A turbulent witches brew seethes below the foam of current events. It must bring a strange satisfaction and peace to see so many people attempting to tread the underworld waters whose struggles you already know so well. You know how to let the sewers run their course, so let it flow for a bit.

Sagittarius: Keep Your Arrows To Yourself

Happy birthday, Sagittarius. The stars have a few fine things to say about the year to come for those born this week. Abundant enthusiasm and ardor will strive to meet exacting professional standards.
For the rest of you, its still a game of keeping your gaze away from other people’s prizes. Unprofitable conflicts lies in the arms of others. Keep your bow and arrow pointed down your own path, Sagittarius, and you’ll be fine.

Capricorn: Head Down

Capricorn has been uprooted, and a certain change in terms of social circles is developing, but the real action has yet to come to the Cappies. As you have likely noted, there are big changes an opportunities just over the horizon. Something may be brewing, but its certainly not percolated completely. The Baron advises you to competently attend to practical matters in order to put yourself into position for whats just over the next hill.

Aquarius: Check It Twice

A certain benevolent force has asserted itself by rebalancing your perspective. You can benefit in the weeks ahead by consciously solidifying these changes. Your enthusiasm is set to decay over the next month, and so anchoring yourself to the way you’re looking at things now is important. Try listing your assumptions about life right now, and then tucking that list away for a few weeks. When your expectations are threatened by disdain, consider the list you’ve prepared.

Pisces: Preoccupation

Professional direction and operations are highlighted all month for you, Pisces. However, your mind won’t be free to fully consider career until well into next week. The planets suggest that you’re at the tail end of a type of philosophical crisis. The Baron suggests you not plunge into other matters before tying off the loose ends of your current set of considerations. Use this week to clean your mental slate for what’s next.

Services: If you'd like a personal consultation with the man behind the mask, message the Baron's mortal vehicle at Xroadsconsultations@gmail.com. The Baron is also available for birthdays, weddings, funerals and orgies.

COPYRIGHT ABYSSAL EPISTLES 2007

Sol in Sagittarius, Luna in Cancer

Pluto Reclassification

Breakfast with Pluto

In order to get to the bottom of nagging questions about Pluto posed by astrologers, astronomers, and everyone in-between, the Baron has journeyed to the depths of the underworld itself to talk to Mr. Afterlife himself.

(After being blindfolded and paddled across the River Styx by a way-too-talkative Charon, the Baron is granted an exclusive interview with the original man in black .)

Baron: Greetings, Lord Pluto. Big up ya self.

Pluto: Baron, good to see you again. I guess this time I won't be opposing your Moon.

Baron: Please don't.

Pluto: No worries. I've had my fun.

(Pluto beckons, and hot dead girls in skimpy outfits serve coffee in hollowed-out skulls. The coffee is black. Of course.)

Baron: This is good!

Pluto: No shit. Best in the underworld. Straight out of the Elysian Fields. Its just one culture over.

Baron: Pluto, I've got some serious questions to ask. First, how do you feel about your physical representative losing its planetary status?

Pluto: THE MORTALS PURCHASE THE ILLUSION OF KNOWLEDGE AT THE PRICE OF THEIR SOULS!

Baron: Really...

Pluto: No, I'm totally kidding. Honestly, I was wondering how long it would take the dirt-monkeys to figure it out. Its a tiny ball of ice and rock, for Joves sake! Its not even as big as your goddamn Moon! Of course I'm not offended.

Baron: Excellent. Well, people here on earth have been pretty concerned about your reaction to the downgrade.

Pluto: Well Baron, to be honest with you, they're going to get my wrath one way or another. But really don't view it as a downgrade. If you had a choice, would you rather be the smallest planet or the largest binary icy dwarf planet? Just taste the words "Binary Icy Dwarf Planet." Thats fucking metal as all hell and you can't deny it.

Baron: Nor would I. You should beam that into some guitar-playing idiots head.

Pluto: Done. Expect their double-album next year.

Baron: Nice. Always a pleasure to see a master in action. I have another question: Does this change your relationship with Scorpio? Do you still rule Scorpio? Did you ever? Do you now?

Pluto: As far as Scorpio goes, I don't know if I ever Ruled it in the sense the pre-modern astrologers use the term. House cusps and all that crap. In the sense that Modern astrologers use the term, meaning that I have a very strong affinity with it, I say yes. Scorpio's focus on decay, virulence, death, vengeance, violence and obsession has always made it my favorite celestial mansion to spend a few years in.

Baron: I hate to belabor the question, but this is important. In terms of classical technique, should we consider you to Rule Scorpio?

Pluto: I'll be straight with you, Scorpio is Mars winter home. You see, I really don't live on this side of the veil, hoss. I just vacation here from time to time. But when I'm here, I like to stay at Mars' place. You've got to love a guy who uses history's bloodiest battlefields as carpet, and the skulls of heroes for cereal bowls.

Baron: Interesting. Anything to say about the rest of the Signs?

Pluto: Well, my mother always told me if you dont have anything nice to say... I dont want to gossip. But I will say: Capricorn, its you and me for near 20 years come 2008. Hold onto your oil and watch your ass, kids. Its going to be a bumpy ride.

Baron: Sweet. So back to my original question: You really aren't offended that you're not going to get so much attention anymore?

Pluto: Not at all. You see, for years people have given me credit for anything and everything underworldy that goes on in their lives, when, to be realistic, the underworld's just as packed as any heaven. If you've been reading your Scientific American, or just browsing wikipedia, youd know that your science-monkeys have discovered another 6 icy dwarves about my size and in my vicinity in the last 10 or so years. And any mythology will reveal that we've layers and layers of anti-world to keep organized. We're well staffed, and I dont mind who knows it.

Baron: No shit.

Pluto: No shit. Just as that miserable little rock is my outpost on the material plane, the other powers have their own transmitters. The astrology meat-bags have given me credit for everything dark and scary that goes in the world, whereas I'm really just the only member of the family you've met. If you took a second to think about what it means that I'm in a binary relationship with Charon, you'd understand.

Baron: Well, Charon ferries those who approach the underworld across the River Styx. My guess at what you're getting at is that you're the modern humans' re-introduction to the power of the mythological underworld.

Pluto: Baron, you're so good. I knew there was a reason I haven't killed you yet.

Baron: By your grace, Lord Pluto. I have to ask- in this whole binary relationship you have with Charon, who takes who up the you know where?

Pluto: Now, now Baron. Its strictly Plutonic.

Baron: ...

Pluto: Sorry. That was bad.

Baron: Moving on. Didn't you like getting credit for all that, though? Doesn't it make you more powerful to have people thinking you're responsible for all of that? I thought being a god was sort of a "fake it till you make it" type of situation. Belief is food, and whatnot.

Pluto: Not at all. We gods like to be recognized for who we really are, and what we actually do. Just like you monkeys. Im tired of repping for a whole cosmological sect. We test people to give us the proper respect, and punish those who give us too much, or too little. Its a Greek "Golden Mean" type of deal. Ask Saturn, he'll explain.

Baron: Good to know. Pluto, can you tell us anything about your fellow underworlders?

Pluto: Well, like myself, they're big on secrecy, but I can tell you a little bit about those who have already revealed themselves. First, we've got Orcus, whose job is to punish oath-breakers.

Baron: Oath-breakers? We dont really take oaths these days, except in court.

Pluto: Not the silly kind of oath. The real kind. Orcus' job is to punish those who forget their destinies and spurn their fate. "The promises to yourself are the most important ones to keep" type of idea. You know Baron, you kind of look like Orcus.

Baron: I have Orcus conjunct Jupiter and the Ascendent by less than a degree.

Pluto: Ha! Damn I'm good. Maybe next time around I'll be an astrologer.

Baron: Go on.

Pluto: I will.

Baron: Then do it.

Pluto: I will. But I'm not doing it because you said so.

Baron: Fine.

Pluto: Fine.

Baron: Ok.

Pluto: Anyway. So there's Orcus, and then there's Sedna. She's this sad little Eskimo chick with no fingers.

Baron: Weird.

Pluto: Bet your ass she's weird. I cant really tell you much about her, except that she doesn't get along too well with her dad. Then theres Varuna, if thats what he's calling himself these days. Nice guy, for a cthonian. Indian, good with computers, and ruler of the night-sky. Theres also Ixion, though Marduk knows how he got a base on the material plane. Your histories name him as a son of Ares, strapped to a burning wheel and damned to rotate for eternity for trying to fuck Zeus' wife. What a dumbass. Only Zeus fucks other people's wives.

Baron: Word.

Pluto: Then theres my sweet little UB 313. Those science monkeys are getting ready to call her Xena. If they do, they will know my wrath. Its Proserpina, my wife, not Lucy Lawless. Remember the myth? She stays with me half the year and is gone the other half? Right. Well, look at her planetoid's orbit. You'll see she saunters around the solar system side by side with me for about half of the time, and goes out on her own the rest. If that isn't a clue, I dont know what is.

Baron: Thats pretty convincing. But theres already an asteroid named after her.

Pluto: So blow it up.

Baron: Fair enough.

Pluto: Arent I always?

Baron: ...yes?

Pluto: Good answer. So, weve covered Orcus, Varuna, Ixion, Sedna, and my sweet Proserpina. Theres also Quaor. He doesn't talk much. He claims to have done the cosmic disco with lady Chaos, and by doing so brought the whole universe into existence. Sort of an Apsu and Tiamat sort of relationship, if you dig.

Baron: I do. Dig, that is.

Pluto: Basically, Charon and I have been the acting diplomats for the underworld for 75 years now, but the graveyard of the solar system is full of tombstones other than mine. You call it the Kuiper Belt. Our underworld council is ready to start participating more directly in your daily affairs because it seems like you monkeys need a reminder. You'll be seeing more of us.

Baron: Looking forward to it. Pluto, its been most informative, but I really have to get back to my body on the physical plane. I would, however, like to say one thing before I go.

Pluto: Go for it.

Baron: Pluto, you totally rule.

Pluto: I totally already knew that.

Plutoscopes

By the grace of the underworld itself, the Baron has been granted permission to delineate the movement of Pluto through the different signs of the Zodiac. In whatever sign he is present in, Pluto brings terrible fear, Fascist structure, and a deep need for transformation often expressed as the type of psychology popular during each period. Remember not to read your Sun Sign. Pluto is generational.

Pluto in Cancer: Tell Me About Your mother...

1912-1937

In Cancer, Pluto focused his fearful energy on the family and homeland. This is a generation that fought in World War II, and later brought Pluto's fascist tendencies back to America, creating the notoriously restrictive nuclear family of the 50's. This generation, and their experiences, forever changed the way modern people think of their homeland and their family. This was also the period in during which Freud's psychology, which traced everything back to the childhood and the mother, reached the height of its popularity.

Pluto in Leo: The "Me" Generation

1937-1956

The Baby Boomers. Growing up under the shadow of the a mature Pluto in Cancer generation's familial restrictions, as well as nuclear annihilation, they were obsessed with freedom of expression. Called the "Me" generation, their Plutonian revolution took place in the 60s, where they spurned every attempt to limit their personal freedom, creating a deep cultural divide. These are the people who made rock n' roll happen. Out of this generation we get a number of strands of humanistic psychology which focus on open personal expression as the primary form of therapy.

Pluto in Virgo: All Work, No Healthcare

1956-1971

The middle children of history. In Virgo, Pluto sprayed shady rays into the realm of work and health care. Having waited for decades for the Baby-Boomers/Pluto in Leo generation to get off the throne, many of the Pluto in Virgo generation have had to labor patiently in positions beneath their dignity. Having had the experience of the worst the modern workplace has to offer, it is expected that workplace reform will be one of the marks the Pluto in Virgo generation will leave on history. Virgo's relationship to health care is also of note, and immediately connected to workplace concerns. Many astrologers expect this generation to be the one responsible for the health-care reform so necessary in America today. This generation has also been the one primarily responsible for bringing the therapeutic value of alternative health care, such as massage and acupuncture, into mainstream consciousness.

Pluto in Libra: Between Worlds

1971-1983

Born to a world shaken but not stirred by the revolution of their parents, the Pluto in Libra generation has been confronted with a country in which radical subculture and mainstream culture co-exist in uneasy peace. Growing up in such a space, the Pluto in Libra generation has been put in a place to reconcile the revolution of the hippies with the conformity of the same people in the 80s. As the Pluto in Libra generation matures, it is expected that they will take art in new directions, most likely through proper utilization of new electronic mediums. Though it may be awhile, once the Pluto in Libra generation begins to take office, it can be expected that there will be a deep focus on the injustice inside governmental systems. One can also expect fresh ideas in the field of psychology from this generation, most likely from outside the field itself.

Pluto in Scorpio: Out With The Old...

1983-1995

Just now popping out of their cocoons, many astrologers believe that the Pluto in Scorpio generation is an important one. Not confronted with the need to balance in the same way as the Pluto in Libra generation, Pluto in its favorite sign will be able to guide its children to assist in powerful cultural transformations. The Barons guess is that it will be under the auspices of this generation that the burgeoning field of genetics will make its strongest impact. They will also transform social attitudes towards formerly hidden occult practices, as well as attitudes regarding death in general. One could expect a rise in alternative religions, such as Wicca, and a decline in those that are already past their prime.

Pluto in Sagittarius: Crazy Little Bastards

1995-2008

Forget it. Ask the Baron about it when youre old enough to care. Or read.

Disclaimer: If you do not take every word of these horoscopes into you with the utmost faith, you will die. Statistics bear this out. Simply scan the newspapers. You will find that an overwhelming majority of the people that die each week DID NOT read the Baron's horoscopes.

If your newspaper or your mom's website are interested in publishing the Baron's weekly prophetics, shoot this old guy an email at Dr.Coppockalypse@gmail.com. The Baron is also available for birthdays, weddings, funerals and orgies.

Copyright 2006 Abyssal Epistles

Baron Classics: Sexual Failure

THE SEXUAL FAILINGS OF THE ZODIAC

The Baron's at your doorstep for Valentines' day, on bended knee with a wilted rose and chocolate box of frosted turds.

Aries: The Ram*

Dont get me wrong. Its not so much that no one wants to have sex with you. Its just that no one ever wants to have sex with you again. People find your confidence attractive until they realize its based on nothing but an edited history of failure. Perhaps being a pushy, defensive mess has enabled you to emotionally bully enough past partners into corroborating your side of the story. You are singularly capable of presenting a sexually confident image without any ability whatsoever to back it up. Good for you! Bad for them!

Early ejaculation alert!*

Taurus: The Bull

Ah yes. A fine meal, some entertainment, the right music and a luxurious bed-spread. I can hear the crickets chirping. Yes, this may be the time of night when the genitals come out. Its too bad that all that staging cant disguise a basic insensitivity to all but the crudest physical sensations. Whether its Bach or Barry Manilow playing, with Taurus it still comes down to the wet game of meat-on-meat. All that faux romance is just setting up their potential partner for Taurus ultimate sexual fantasy: to have a nice, thick, freshly marinated cut of steak (or tofu, for veggies!) slowly wiped up and down their generous form. Oral sex indeed.

Gemini: The Twins**

Geminis have a reputation for liking sex constantly. This has led some deluded fools to the belief that Geminis are hyper-sexual mavericks. Not so. Geminis make up for quality with quantity. Geminis like sex all the time because each session lasts anywhere from 2-4 minutes. Was it good for you? No. Hell no. This need to constantly do it is a pitiful and ill-fated attempt to replace quality with quantity, which, as we have learned from the morbidly obese, simply does not work.

Small wiener alert!**

Cancer: The Crab***

Where to begin? Cancers tend to live in their own worlds, and in these worlds, things are a little different than the one that you and I live in. They have issues with attachment. For example: In Cancers world, surprise anal sex is just a way to say I care about you SO MUCH. So if you find that your Cancer partner is interested in spicing up your love life, just remember that to them, ball-gags and beatings mean a picket fence and marriage.

***Deformed dong warning!

Leo: The Lion

Though it is painful for the Baron to admit, Leos are not technically bad at sex. But as with everything else Leo does, has done, and will do, it is completely ruined by their egotism. Nothing kills the moment like a Leo pausing mid-thrust/lick to tell you about what they just did and how cool it was. In particularly talky cases, the Leo may go onto how it relates to who they are as a person, what they believe, where theyre going in life and... Shut up. Shut it. The Baron recommends ball-gagging a Leo before you have sex with it.

Virgo: The Virgin

Many Virgos will be swift to tell you that theyre not virgins! Ha-ha ha-ho. True, most are not virgins, but they ARE terrible at sex. Virgos are afflicted with a crippling sexual insecurity that lends itself either to a fearful form of chastity or a hideously overcompensated form of promiscuity. The promiscuous form brings all the pleasure of robotics to the act of sexual intercourse. They mechanically perform their role with inanimate sub-ecstasy.

Libra: The Scales of Justice

Suave and debonair or the sly coquette, theres nothing that terrible about sleeping with a Libra, other than the fact that you are probably the 3^rd out of 5 people they will fuck that night. Yay infidelity! Yay STDs!

Scorpio: The Scorpion

Thank god for sluts. Good, honest, old fashioned brain-in-the-genitals-not-worth-a-shit-outside-the-bedroom sluts. The men and women of Scorpio may be a decaying morass of imploding failure in every other area of life, but they ARE good to fuck. Try one yourself. Just make sure to slip out in the middle of the night, because you DO NOT want to be there during when they wake up. Trust the Baron. The Baron knows.

Sagittarius: The Centaur

Sagittarius tends to combine the egotism of Leo with Aries' lack of prowess. Theyre the total package, and theyre out to let you know. Sagittarius has a truly interesting capacity to assume that they are the spitting image of the popular sex symbol of the day. A male Sagittarius looks in the mirror, sees Brad Pitt, and walks through the rest of his day thinking I AM Tyler Durden. The fact that hes mediocre looking and cant fight or fuck makes no difference whatsoever. The same goes for the ladies of Sagittarius. No girls, youre not Brittany Spears, youre some bitch buying pictures of her at the grocery store.

Capricorn: The Sea-Goat

Capricorn, like Janus, Januarys dual-faced monthly guardian, has two opposing sides: horniness and self-control. You would think that would work. You would think that Capricorn would be able to parlay these gifts into a controlled yet passionate explosion. You would think. But in truth Capricorn generally needs you to help overcome their self-control. The only thing that lets you get past Capricorns iron fisted control of their pants-pockets is generally good, old fashioned suffering. A Capricorn must either make you suffer until their twisted libido is roused or be utterly dominated to the point where they need take no responsibility for their urges. Fucked up. Fuck-ed up.

Aquarius: The Water-Bearer

Aquarius approaches sex with a cool, scientific detachment. Consciously or not, they tend to regard sex as an anthropological experiment. I suppose the actual act is alright if you dont mind being interrupted to discuss the theoretical implications of penis/vagina, penis/penis, or vagina/vagina time.

Pisces: The Fishes

The only way you are getting into Pisces fishy drawers is if you are willing to play a role in their insane personal drama. If the Pisces believes that either you are a God, Goddess, angel, demon, Bilbo Baggins or Cinderella, you might just have a decent roll in the hay. On the other hand, if you would like to keep you emotional life from complete and utter destruction, I'd steer clear.

COPYRIGHT 2006 ABYSSAL EPISTLES

Baron Classics: RPG Nerdiness

NERDOSCOPES!

Having comfortably violated the laws of time and space, the Baron has no problem violating those of good taste. Thats right, from the bowels of your wasted childhood comes the unwanted, the hateful, the nerdy: Fantasy Role Playing Game Horoscopes! Thats right. Ever wonder what character class you would play if your were really being honest with yourself? Probably not. And so the Baron has wondered it for you.

Aries: The Barbarian

Aries, you are the Barbarian class character. Basically a fighter, you lack the civility common even to the average mentally deficient footman. But you have more hit points per level (d12, bitches). Aries, this reflects your primary attribute- your high constitution score. You may not be bright or charming, but you can take a beating and keep on keeping on like few in this world. In addition, you come ready with wilderness survival skills fresh from your primitive home. Not only that, but, as anyone who has spent any significant amount of time around you knows, you have a totally sweet berserker rage attack that gives you massive damage bonuses. Which is, honestly, the last thing you need.

Taurus: The Thief

Honestly, Taurus is not an adventuring type of sign. If we were being truly honest, Taurus character class would be Good Eater. But that just doesnt fit in with this weeks theme, and therefore the Baron is forced to grant you a character class. And Thief it is. As a Thief, you arent in the epic adventure for the epic adventure. Youre in it for the money. Taurus, all of your skills are designed to help you get things and avoid conflict. And Taurus, if youre honest with yourself, you will find that these are the very same goals your real-life skills cluster around.

Gemini: The Bard

More than just a singer, the Bard is an extremely flexible character class. Bards combine elements of the wizards spell-casting ability and the fighters battle-readiness along with unique persuasive abilities. Like Gemini, they are extremely flexible offensive resources with little staying power. The Bard is an excellent supplement to an attack force, but are somewhat fragile and need to be healed constantly. Sound familiar?


Cancer: The Healer

Yes, Cancer, you are the Healer of the party. Also, like a nagging mother, you provide the moral compass of the party, constantly second-guessing its members and generally making them feel insecure. This gives you more opportunity to heal them. Its good to needed, right?


Leo: The Fighter

Big hearted and small minded, Leo is the classic Fighter. Leo is out to represent, but what the thing to be represented is not entirely clear. As the Fighter class, it doesnt matter! You just give a big yell, run into combat, and sword things until they die. If only life asked nothing more of you

Virgo: The Assassin

Virgo is the Assassin. Morally bankrupt and sadistic with a mind for details, Virgo combines aspects of the Thief and the Fighter in a character class that is too weak for frontline combat but not skilled enough to be useful in any other capacity. No, Virgo, in real life, as well as fantasy role-playing land, it is your role to skulk in the shadows, jealously analyzing the weaknesses of other characters before striking the mortal blow.

Libra: The Illusionist

You, Libra, are a magician. Not a stage magician. Theyre fake. A real one. You are the mighty Illusionist. Capable of creating illusions. Fake things. False appearances. Unlike the lowly stage magician, you are capable of creating REAL illusions. Realfakethings. Yeah. Hmm. Youve got power, I guess. Right. Huh. Sorry about that.

Scorpio: The Psionicist

The control of the world via the minds subtle wavelengths has always been you forte, Scorpio. And therefore your fantasy role-playing class is clearly the Psionicist." You engage in subtle discipline in order to bend both other people and your own body to your will. The Psionicist class is extremely flexible, and able to fill a variety of roles. However, each and every one of those role includes being the creepy guy/girl at the back of the party with the hypno-eyes.

Sagittarius: The Paladin/Anti-Paladin

With your faith in light or darkness guiding you, you, Sagittarius, are the Paladin/Anti-Paladin. Your acts of good (or evil) faith are your hallmark. Either way, youre not changing your mind; youre changing everybody elses. Astride your high horse, because you ARE that high horse, you sweep through the country side in order to convert or conquer the heathen. As in real life, you are the most annoying character in the game.

Capricorn: The Monk

Though it would be fair to assign Capricorn the Monk character class because of their solid approach and inner discipline, Capricorn is far more often than not the enemy menacing the fair heroes of the story. Capricorn either embraces internal structure and works diligently to achieve the inner perfection of the Monk, or gives into their rebellious streak, seeking to master the world rather than themselves. This is one of the primary psychological formulas for villainy, and you Capricorn, complete the equation.

Aquarius: The Magic-User

Between the frazzled, mentally over-active manner and the feelings of social alienation, you are the classic wizard. Face it, youve been trying to been trying mix magic and technology your whole life. And now, in the sweet bosom of fantasy role-playing games, you can pretend you have the magic powers you pretend you have in real life! Sweet, sweet imagination.

Pisces: The Cleric

Pisces, you are the last priest/ess of some obscure god or goddess. And you are out to muhfuckin represent. Though you have some healing abilities and arent completely worthless in a melee, your primary job in the party is to call down the wrath of your little-known deity and wreak havoc on the impure. Its just your way of leading people back to the source. Thy Will Be Done.


Disclaimer: If you do not take every word of these horoscopes into you with the utmost faith, you will die. Statistics bear this out. Simply scan the newspapers. You will find that an overwhelming majority of the people that die each week DID NOT read the Baron's horoscopes.

If your newspaper or your mom's website are interested in publishing the Baron's weekly prophetics, shoot this old guy an email at Dr.Coppockalypse@gmail.com. The Baron is also available for birthdays, weddings, funerals and orgies.

Copyright 2006 ABYSSAL EPISTLES