Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Astrology 25th-2nd: Snow Globe Stasis

Disclaimer: If you do not take every word of these horoscopes with the utmost faith, you will die. Statistics bear this out. Simply scan the newspapers. You will find that an overwhelming majority of the people that die each week DID NOT read the Baron's horoscopes.


Vol. 115: Snow Globe Stasis

This week events manifest along the guidelines laid down in previous weeks, with one small change. Uranus, retrograde for months previous, went direct last weekend, sending the creative spirit forward. The changes we feel brewing stir at a subconscious level, but aren’t quite ready to be midwifed into being. Let’s take a look at where things are holding before they change next week.

End Of ATunnel

Mercury tunnels his way through the last degrees of Scorpio, bringing communications to the depths of personal relationships not quite addressed yet. This is troubled territory, where Mercury would like to speak words that need not be spoken during better times. But time, unlike space, is not up to us. And this is not the time. You will benefit by keeping toxic thoughts to yourself and negotiations courteous.

A Snow-Globe, Or Two

Retrograde in the first decanate of Cancer, Mars is walling people up inside emotional snow globes. Although some are engaged in outright battles, the rest are trying to avoid what they cannot repair through engagement. These force-fields of isolation and difference are armor sadly necessary at times.

A Freudian hangover infects the culture, suggesting that we air every complaint in the name of self-exploration and emotional depth. The current circumstances do not favor this underlying orthodoxy. There are therapeutic places, in time as well as space, and although the background energies have woken a number of slumbering feuds, this is not the time to work through them all, because they have not fully emerged.

By unearthing all of our current concerns, we risk the folly of attempting to solve the issues without fully understanding them. Our solutions will likely be as premature as our understanding of the problem.

Four Swords Sit Still

Venus shines from the end of Libra into these affairs. Venus counsels an uneasy truce where true peace is not possible. We must accept the missed messages of the present, and participate in it until it becomes the near future.

Mars is deep in his underworld, busy burrowing far beneath our defenses. Thought causing the occasional surface earthquake in the daylight world, he is still weeks away from reaching the heart of affairs. Mars must tunnel back all the way through Cancer and then into Gemini before he’ll have found the root of the problem, and the true seed of his transformation.

In Gemini he will see these dark roots, the problem with the relationship between the twins. A hostility between dark and light that made it impossible for them to be harnessed to the chariot of the present. Currently striving under an ill-fitting yoke, the twins, as steeds, pull the chariot in too many directions- it goes no-where. Breaking up the team isn’t the answer. Great forward strides will not be made as a unit until the relationships between the members of the team have been transformed.

Horoscopes: Nov. 25th – Dec. 2nd


Note on Horoscopes:
12 Fold horoscopes are a way to assess the general condition of the splayed rays of the zodiac. Although not without value, they are a blunt tool, and can only describe the archetypal activity in each power-zone. In order to sharpen the accuracy of the horoscopes, read your Sun Sign if you were born in the day-time, and read your Moon Sign if you were born at night. Reading the Sign in which the Ascendant is placed is also advised.


Aries: Vacation From You

Aries, your impatience is a vice. Usually it’s a small one. But under the current conditions confrontation is likely to lead to useless explosions rather than resolution. It is not time to be honest, because the subject of your honesty is in the midst of transformation. Today’s honesty will be tommorow’s lie. So chill. Instead, the Baron advises planning a neglected sojourn to some far-flung landscape; material, astral, mental or otherwise.


Taurus: Swarm Dispersal

A cow is not complete without a swarm of flies surrounding it, harassing it. Over the last month, those insects have been harassing you with paranoid thoughts, sucking valuable time, energy, and blood. This will be the last week that the carnivorous swarm takes you attention, for come next week communications will take on a more direct tone that leaves less room for suspicion. So wait it out and stop swatting.


Gemini: A Coin For Each Eye

Gemini, last week’s Full Moon in your sign and the Sun’s entrance into Sagittarius puts the spotlight on your relationships with people. Jupiter’s presence in Sagittarius indicates that you’ve been given unusual opportunities to learn from people this year, but with those opportunities has come a hidden cost, indicated by Pluto. The price Pluto asks is different for each person. The question the Sun has come round to shine on is how you’ve responded to these opportunities, what cost you’ve either paid or refused, and whether its been worth it.


Cancer: Forget It

Cancer, you’re midway through a process through which the means by which you generate and understand power will be transformed. If you feel out of your element, it is because you are. Learning means taking on things you do not already comprehend. Opportunity hides in the details of a plan to re-engineer your vehicle. Open yourself to the empty spaces beyond what you’re comfortable with, and forget what you think you’re capable of.


Leo: Tar-Diver

Leo, the problem you thought you’d left behind isn’t gone yet. In fact, its only gotten closer. Its as if you’re doing battle with a tar pit, attempting to break the fossilized bones of your past. But your flailing only draws you deeper into it. Maybe there’s something in there you forgot about, or should forget about.


Virgo: Saturn Survival Tip

Dear Virgo, having Saturn in your sign sucks. The near presence of the reaper’s planet tends to cause the emergence of dire things both great and small. Saturn’s seeming malevolence is subtle, for it not only creates misfortunes, but like the gaze of Medusa, it hardens the witness to these events. One might argue that the true difficulty Saturn poses is not events themselves, but the petrifying effect they have on the mind that sees them. Minds have a way of replicating in reality what they have come to expect. So smile.


Libra: Mediator

It’s likely, Libra, that you’ve reached the limits of your peace-making abilities. Instead of hoping for deep harmony, it may be to your own, and others, advantage to consider the value of a cease-fire. A truce may be temporary, but it still provides real moments of peace. Don’t put yourself on the rack by trying to bridge extremes that won’t quit.


Scorpio: Toy Boat

A turbulent witches brew seethes below the foam of current events. It must bring a strange satisfaction and peace to see so many people attempting to tread the underworld waters whose struggles you already know so well. You know how to let the sewers run their course, so let it flow for a bit.


Sagittarius: Keep Your Arrows To Yourself

Happy birthday, Sagittarius. The stars have a few fine things to say about the year to come for those born this week. Abundant enthusiasm and ardor will strive to meet exacting professional standards.
For the rest of you, its still a game of keeping your gaze away from other people’s prizes. Unprofitable conflicts lies in the arms of others. Keep your bow and arrow pointed down your own path, Sagittarius, and you’ll be fine.


Capricorn: Head Down

Capricorn has been uprooted, and a certain change in terms of social circles is developing, but the real action has yet to come to the Cappies. As you have likely noted, there are big changes an opportunities just over the horizon. Something may be brewing, but its certainly not percolated completely. The Baron advises you to competently attend to practical matters in order to put yourself into position for whats just over the next hill.


Aquarius: Check It Twice

A certain benevolent force has asserted itself by rebalancing your perspective. You can benefit in the weeks ahead by consciously solidifying these changes. Your enthusiasm is set to decay over the next month, and so anchoring yourself to the way you’re looking at things now is important. Try listing your assumptions about life right now, and then tucking that list away for a few weeks. When your expectations are threatened by disdain, consider the list you’ve prepared.


Pisces: Preoccupation

Professional direction and operations are highlighted all month for you, Pisces. However, your mind won’t be free to fully consider career until well into next week. The planets suggest that you’re at the tail end of a type of philosophical crisis. The Baron suggests you not plunge into other matters before tying off the loose ends of your current set of considerations. Use this week to clean your mental slate for what’s next.


Services: If you'd like a personal consultation with the man behind the mask, message the Baron's mortal vehicle at Xroadsconsultations@gmail.com. The Baron is also available for birthdays, weddings, funerals and orgies.

COPYRIGHT ABYSSAL EPISTLES 2007

Sol in Sagittarius, Luna in Cancer

Saturday, November 24, 2007

Pluto Reclassification

Breakfast with Pluto

In order to get to the bottom of nagging questions about Pluto posed by astrologers, astronomers, and everyone in-between, the Baron has journeyed to the depths of the underworld itself to talk to Mr. Afterlife himself.

(After being blindfolded and paddled across the River Styx by a way-too-talkative Charon, the Baron is granted an exclusive interview with the original man in black .)

Baron: Greetings, Lord Pluto. Big up ya self.

Pluto: Baron, good to see you again. I guess this time I won't be opposing your Moon.

Baron: Please don't.

Pluto: No worries. I've had my fun.

(Pluto beckons, and hot dead girls in skimpy outfits serve coffee in hollowed-out skulls. The coffee is black. Of course.)

Baron: This is good!

Pluto: No shit. Best in the underworld. Straight out of the Elysian Fields. Its just one culture over.

Baron: Pluto, I've got some serious questions to ask. First, how do you feel about your physical representative losing its planetary status?

Pluto: THE MORTALS PURCHASE THE ILLUSION OF KNOWLEDGE AT THE PRICE OF THEIR SOULS!

Baron: Really...

Pluto: No, I'm totally kidding. Honestly, I was wondering how long it would take the dirt-monkeys to figure it out. Its a tiny ball of ice and rock, for Joves sake! Its not even as big as your goddamn Moon! Of course I'm not offended.

Baron: Excellent. Well, people here on earth have been pretty concerned about your reaction to the downgrade.

Pluto: Well Baron, to be honest with you, they're going to get my wrath one way or another. But really don't view it as a downgrade. If you had a choice, would you rather be the smallest planet or the largest binary icy dwarf planet? Just taste the words "Binary Icy Dwarf Planet." Thats fucking metal as all hell and you can't deny it.

Baron: Nor would I. You should beam that into some guitar-playing idiots head.

Pluto: Done. Expect their double-album next year.

Baron: Nice. Always a pleasure to see a master in action. I have another question: Does this change your relationship with Scorpio? Do you still rule Scorpio? Did you ever? Do you now?

Pluto: As far as Scorpio goes, I don't know if I ever Ruled it in the sense the pre-modern astrologers use the term. House cusps and all that crap. In the sense that Modern astrologers use the term, meaning that I have a very strong affinity with it, I say yes. Scorpio's focus on decay, virulence, death, vengeance, violence and obsession has always made it my favorite celestial mansion to spend a few years in.

Baron: I hate to belabor the question, but this is important. In terms of classical technique, should we consider you to Rule Scorpio?

Pluto: I'll be straight with you, Scorpio is Mars winter home. You see, I really don't live on this side of the veil, hoss. I just vacation here from time to time. But when I'm here, I like to stay at Mars' place. You've got to love a guy who uses history's bloodiest battlefields as carpet, and the skulls of heroes for cereal bowls.

Baron: Interesting. Anything to say about the rest of the Signs?

Pluto: Well, my mother always told me if you dont have anything nice to say... I dont want to gossip. But I will say: Capricorn, its you and me for near 20 years come 2008. Hold onto your oil and watch your ass, kids. Its going to be a bumpy ride.

Baron: Sweet. So back to my original question: You really aren't offended that you're not going to get so much attention anymore?

Pluto: Not at all. You see, for years people have given me credit for anything and everything underworldy that goes on in their lives, when, to be realistic, the underworld's just as packed as any heaven. If you've been reading your Scientific American, or just browsing wikipedia, youd know that your science-monkeys have discovered another 6 icy dwarves about my size and in my vicinity in the last 10 or so years. And any mythology will reveal that we've layers and layers of anti-world to keep organized. We're well staffed, and I dont mind who knows it.

Baron: No shit.

Pluto: No shit. Just as that miserable little rock is my outpost on the material plane, the other powers have their own transmitters. The astrology meat-bags have given me credit for everything dark and scary that goes in the world, whereas I'm really just the only member of the family you've met. If you took a second to think about what it means that I'm in a binary relationship with Charon, you'd understand.

Baron: Well, Charon ferries those who approach the underworld across the River Styx. My guess at what you're getting at is that you're the modern humans' re-introduction to the power of the mythological underworld.

Pluto: Baron, you're so good. I knew there was a reason I haven't killed you yet.

Baron: By your grace, Lord Pluto. I have to ask- in this whole binary relationship you have with Charon, who takes who up the you know where?

Pluto: Now, now Baron. Its strictly Plutonic.

Baron: ...

Pluto: Sorry. That was bad.

Baron: Moving on. Didn't you like getting credit for all that, though? Doesn't it make you more powerful to have people thinking you're responsible for all of that? I thought being a god was sort of a "fake it till you make it" type of situation. Belief is food, and whatnot.

Pluto: Not at all. We gods like to be recognized for who we really are, and what we actually do. Just like you monkeys. Im tired of repping for a whole cosmological sect. We test people to give us the proper respect, and punish those who give us too much, or too little. Its a Greek "Golden Mean" type of deal. Ask Saturn, he'll explain.

Baron: Good to know. Pluto, can you tell us anything about your fellow underworlders?

Pluto: Well, like myself, they're big on secrecy, but I can tell you a little bit about those who have already revealed themselves. First, we've got Orcus, whose job is to punish oath-breakers.

Baron: Oath-breakers? We dont really take oaths these days, except in court.

Pluto: Not the silly kind of oath. The real kind. Orcus' job is to punish those who forget their destinies and spurn their fate. "The promises to yourself are the most important ones to keep" type of idea. You know Baron, you kind of look like Orcus.

Baron: I have Orcus conjunct Jupiter and the Ascendent by less than a degree.

Pluto: Ha! Damn I'm good. Maybe next time around I'll be an astrologer.

Baron: Go on.

Pluto: I will.

Baron: Then do it.

Pluto: I will. But I'm not doing it because you said so.

Baron: Fine.

Pluto: Fine.

Baron: Ok.

Pluto: Anyway. So there's Orcus, and then there's Sedna. She's this sad little Eskimo chick with no fingers.

Baron: Weird.

Pluto: Bet your ass she's weird. I cant really tell you much about her, except that she doesn't get along too well with her dad. Then theres Varuna, if thats what he's calling himself these days. Nice guy, for a cthonian. Indian, good with computers, and ruler of the night-sky. Theres also Ixion, though Marduk knows how he got a base on the material plane. Your histories name him as a son of Ares, strapped to a burning wheel and damned to rotate for eternity for trying to fuck Zeus' wife. What a dumbass. Only Zeus fucks other people's wives.

Baron: Word.

Pluto: Then theres my sweet little UB 313. Those science monkeys are getting ready to call her Xena. If they do, they will know my wrath. Its Proserpina, my wife, not Lucy Lawless. Remember the myth? She stays with me half the year and is gone the other half? Right. Well, look at her planetoid's orbit. You'll see she saunters around the solar system side by side with me for about half of the time, and goes out on her own the rest. If that isn't a clue, I dont know what is.

Baron: Thats pretty convincing. But theres already an asteroid named after her.

Pluto: So blow it up.

Baron: Fair enough.

Pluto: Arent I always?

Baron: ...yes?

Pluto: Good answer. So, weve covered Orcus, Varuna, Ixion, Sedna, and my sweet Proserpina. Theres also Quaor. He doesn't talk much. He claims to have done the cosmic disco with lady Chaos, and by doing so brought the whole universe into existence. Sort of an Apsu and Tiamat sort of relationship, if you dig.

Baron: I do. Dig, that is.

Pluto: Basically, Charon and I have been the acting diplomats for the underworld for 75 years now, but the graveyard of the solar system is full of tombstones other than mine. You call it the Kuiper Belt. Our underworld council is ready to start participating more directly in your daily affairs because it seems like you monkeys need a reminder. You'll be seeing more of us.

Baron: Looking forward to it. Pluto, its been most informative, but I really have to get back to my body on the physical plane. I would, however, like to say one thing before I go.

Pluto: Go for it.

Baron: Pluto, you totally rule.

Pluto: I totally already knew that.

Plutoscopes

By the grace of the underworld itself, the Baron has been granted permission to delineate the movement of Pluto through the different signs of the Zodiac. In whatever sign he is present in, Pluto brings terrible fear, Fascist structure, and a deep need for transformation often expressed as the type of psychology popular during each period. Remember not to read your Sun Sign. Pluto is generational.

Pluto in Cancer: Tell Me About Your mother...

1912-1937

In Cancer, Pluto focused his fearful energy on the family and homeland. This is a generation that fought in World War II, and later brought Pluto's fascist tendencies back to America, creating the notoriously restrictive nuclear family of the 50's. This generation, and their experiences, forever changed the way modern people think of their homeland and their family. This was also the period in during which Freud's psychology, which traced everything back to the childhood and the mother, reached the height of its popularity.


Pluto in Leo: The "Me" Generation

1937-1956

The Baby Boomers. Growing up under the shadow of the a mature Pluto in Cancer generation's familial restrictions, as well as nuclear annihilation, they were obsessed with freedom of expression. Called the "Me" generation, their Plutonian revolution took place in the 60s, where they spurned every attempt to limit their personal freedom, creating a deep cultural divide. These are the people who made rock n' roll happen. Out of this generation we get a number of strands of humanistic psychology which focus on open personal expression as the primary form of therapy.

Pluto in Virgo: All Work, No Healthcare

1956-1971

The middle children of history. In Virgo, Pluto sprayed shady rays into the realm of work and health care. Having waited for decades for the Baby-Boomers/Pluto in Leo generation to get off the throne, many of the Pluto in Virgo generation have had to labor patiently in positions beneath their dignity. Having had the experience of the worst the modern workplace has to offer, it is expected that workplace reform will be one of the marks the Pluto in Virgo generation will leave on history. Virgo's relationship to health care is also of note, and immediately connected to workplace concerns. Many astrologers expect this generation to be the one responsible for the health-care reform so necessary in America today. This generation has also been the one primarily responsible for bringing the therapeutic value of alternative health care, such as massage and acupuncture, into mainstream consciousness.

Pluto in Libra: Between Worlds

1971-1983

Born to a world shaken but not stirred by the revolution of their parents, the Pluto in Libra generation has been confronted with a country in which radical subculture and mainstream culture co-exist in uneasy peace. Growing up in such a space, the Pluto in Libra generation has been put in a place to reconcile the revolution of the hippies with the conformity of the same people in the 80s. As the Pluto in Libra generation matures, it is expected that they will take art in new directions, most likely through proper utilization of new electronic mediums. Though it may be awhile, once the Pluto in Libra generation begins to take office, it can be expected that there will be a deep focus on the injustice inside governmental systems. One can also expect fresh ideas in the field of psychology from this generation, most likely from outside the field itself.


Pluto in Scorpio: Out With The Old...

1983-1995

Just now popping out of their cocoons, many astrologers believe that the Pluto in Scorpio generation is an important one. Not confronted with the need to balance in the same way as the Pluto in Libra generation, Pluto in its favorite sign will be able to guide its children to assist in powerful cultural transformations. The Barons guess is that it will be under the auspices of this generation that the burgeoning field of genetics will make its strongest impact. They will also transform social attitudes towards formerly hidden occult practices, as well as attitudes regarding death in general. One could expect a rise in alternative religions, such as Wicca, and a decline in those that are already past their prime.


Pluto in Sagittarius: Crazy Little Bastards

1995-2008

Forget it. Ask the Baron about it when youre old enough to care. Or read.


Disclaimer: If you do not take every word of these horoscopes into you with the utmost faith, you will die. Statistics bear this out. Simply scan the newspapers. You will find that an overwhelming majority of the people that die each week DID NOT read the Baron's horoscopes.

If your newspaper or your mom's website are interested in publishing the Baron's weekly prophetics, shoot this old guy an email at Dr.Coppockalypse@gmail.com. The Baron is also available for birthdays, weddings, funerals and orgies.

Copyright 2006 Abyssal Epistles

Baron Classics: Sexual Failure

THE SEXUAL FAILINGS OF THE ZODIAC

The Baron's at your doorstep for Valentines' day, on bended knee with a wilted rose and chocolate box of frosted turds.


Aries: The Ram*

Dont get me wrong. Its not so much that no one wants to have sex with you. Its just that no one ever wants to have sex with you again. People find your confidence attractive until they realize its based on nothing but an edited history of failure. Perhaps being a pushy, defensive mess has enabled you to emotionally bully enough past partners into corroborating your side of the story. You are singularly capable of presenting a sexually confident image without any ability whatsoever to back it up. Good for you! Bad for them!

Early ejaculation alert!*


Taurus: The Bull

Ah yes. A fine meal, some entertainment, the right music and a luxurious bed-spread. I can hear the crickets chirping. Yes, this may be the time of night when the genitals come out. Its too bad that all that staging cant disguise a basic insensitivity to all but the crudest physical sensations. Whether its Bach or Barry Manilow playing, with Taurus it still comes down to the wet game of meat-on-meat. All that faux romance is just setting up their potential partner for Taurus ultimate sexual fantasy: to have a nice, thick, freshly marinated cut of steak (or tofu, for veggies!) slowly wiped up and down their generous form. Oral sex indeed.


Gemini: The Twins**

Geminis have a reputation for liking sex constantly. This has led some deluded fools to the belief that Geminis are hyper-sexual mavericks. Not so. Geminis make up for quality with quantity. Geminis like sex all the time because each session lasts anywhere from 2-4 minutes. Was it good for you? No. Hell no. This need to constantly do it is a pitiful and ill-fated attempt to replace quality with quantity, which, as we have learned from the morbidly obese, simply does not work.

Small wiener alert!**


Cancer: The Crab***

Where to begin? Cancers tend to live in their own worlds, and in these worlds, things are a little different than the one that you and I live in. They have issues with attachment. For example: In Cancers world, surprise anal sex is just a way to say I care about you SO MUCH. So if you find that your Cancer partner is interested in spicing up your love life, just remember that to them, ball-gags and beatings mean a picket fence and marriage.

***Deformed dong warning!


Leo: The Lion

Though it is painful for the Baron to admit, Leos are not technically bad at sex. But as with everything else Leo does, has done, and will do, it is completely ruined by their egotism. Nothing kills the moment like a Leo pausing mid-thrust/lick to tell you about what they just did and how cool it was. In particularly talky cases, the Leo may go onto how it relates to who they are as a person, what they believe, where theyre going in life and... Shut up. Shut it. The Baron recommends ball-gagging a Leo before you have sex with it.


Virgo: The Virgin

Many Virgos will be swift to tell you that theyre not virgins! Ha-ha ha-ho. True, most are not virgins, but they ARE terrible at sex. Virgos are afflicted with a crippling sexual insecurity that lends itself either to a fearful form of chastity or a hideously overcompensated form of promiscuity. The promiscuous form brings all the pleasure of robotics to the act of sexual intercourse. They mechanically perform their role with inanimate sub-ecstasy.


Libra: The Scales of Justice

Suave and debonair or the sly coquette, theres nothing that terrible about sleeping with a Libra, other than the fact that you are probably the 3rd out of 5 people they will fuck that night. Yay infidelity! Yay STDs!


Scorpio: The Scorpion

Thank god for sluts. Good, honest, old fashioned brain-in-the-genitals-not-worth-a-shit-outside-the-bedroom sluts. The men and women of Scorpio may be a decaying morass of imploding failure in every other area of life, but they ARE good to fuck. Try one yourself. Just make sure to slip out in the middle of the night, because you DO NOT want to be there during when they wake up. Trust the Baron. The Baron knows.


Sagittarius: The Centaur

Sagittarius tends to combine the egotism of Leo with Aries' lack of prowess. Theyre the total package, and theyre out to let you know. Sagittarius has a truly interesting capacity to assume that they are the spitting image of the popular sex symbol of the day. A male Sagittarius looks in the mirror, sees Brad Pitt, and walks through the rest of his day thinking I AM Tyler Durden. The fact that hes mediocre looking and cant fight or fuck makes no difference whatsoever. The same goes for the ladies of Sagittarius. No girls, youre not Brittany Spears, youre some bitch buying pictures of her at the grocery store.

Capricorn: The Sea-Goat

Capricorn, like Janus, Januarys dual-faced monthly guardian, has two opposing sides: horniness and self-control. You would think that would work. You would think that Capricorn would be able to parlay these gifts into a controlled yet passionate explosion. You would think. But in truth Capricorn generally needs you to help overcome their self-control. The only thing that lets you get past Capricorns iron fisted control of their pants-pockets is generally good, old fashioned suffering. A Capricorn must either make you suffer until their twisted libido is roused or be utterly dominated to the point where they need take no responsibility for their urges. Fucked up. Fuck-ed up.


Aquarius: The Water-Bearer

Aquarius approaches sex with a cool, scientific detachment. Consciously or not, they tend to regard sex as an anthropological experiment. I suppose the actual act is alright if you dont mind being interrupted to discuss the theoretical implications of penis/vagina, penis/penis, or vagina/vagina time.

Pisces: The Fishes

The only way you are getting into Pisces fishy drawers is if you are willing to play a role in their insane personal drama. If the Pisces believes that either you are a God, Goddess, angel, demon, Bilbo Baggins or Cinderella, you might just have a decent roll in the hay. On the other hand, if you would like to keep you emotional life from complete and utter destruction, I'd steer clear.


COPYRIGHT 2006 ABYSSAL EPISTLES

Baron Classics: RPG Nerdiness

NERDOSCOPES!

Having comfortably violated the laws of time and space, the Baron has no problem violating those of good taste. Thats right, from the bowels of your wasted childhood comes the unwanted, the hateful, the nerdy: Fantasy Role Playing Game Horoscopes! Thats right. Ever wonder what character class you would play if your were really being honest with yourself? Probably not. And so the Baron has wondered it for you.


Aries: The Barbarian

Aries, you are the Barbarian class character. Basically a fighter, you lack the civility common even to the average mentally deficient footman. But you have more hit points per level (d12, bitches). Aries, this reflects your primary attribute- your high constitution score. You may not be bright or charming, but you can take a beating and keep on keeping on like few in this world. In addition, you come ready with wilderness survival skills fresh from your primitive home. Not only that, but, as anyone who has spent any significant amount of time around you knows, you have a totally sweet berserker rage attack that gives you massive damage bonuses. Which is, honestly, the last thing you need.


Taurus: The Thief

Honestly, Taurus is not an adventuring type of sign. If we were being truly honest, Taurus character class would be Good Eater. But that just doesnt fit in with this weeks theme, and therefore the Baron is forced to grant you a character class. And Thief it is. As a Thief, you arent in the epic adventure for the epic adventure. Youre in it for the money. Taurus, all of your skills are designed to help you get things and avoid conflict. And Taurus, if youre honest with yourself, you will find that these are the very same goals your real-life skills cluster around.


Gemini: The Bard

More than just a singer, the Bard is an extremely flexible character class. Bards combine elements of the wizards spell-casting ability and the fighters battle-readiness along with unique persuasive abilities. Like Gemini, they are extremely flexible offensive resources with little staying power. The Bard is an excellent supplement to an attack force, but are somewhat fragile and need to be healed constantly. Sound familiar?


Cancer: The Healer

Yes, Cancer, you are the Healer of the party. Also, like a nagging mother, you provide the moral compass of the party, constantly second-guessing its members and generally making them feel insecure. This gives you more opportunity to heal them. Its good to needed, right?


Leo: The Fighter

Big hearted and small minded, Leo is the classic Fighter. Leo is out to represent, but what the thing to be represented is not entirely clear. As the Fighter class, it doesnt matter! You just give a big yell, run into combat, and sword things until they die. If only life asked nothing more of you



Virgo: The Assassin

Virgo is the Assassin. Morally bankrupt and sadistic with a mind for details, Virgo combines aspects of the Thief and the Fighter in a character class that is too weak for frontline combat but not skilled enough to be useful in any other capacity. No, Virgo, in real life, as well as fantasy role-playing land, it is your role to skulk in the shadows, jealously analyzing the weaknesses of other characters before striking the mortal blow.


Libra: The Illusionist

You, Libra, are a magician. Not a stage magician. Theyre fake. A real one. You are the mighty Illusionist. Capable of creating illusions. Fake things. False appearances. Unlike the lowly stage magician, you are capable of creating REAL illusions. Realfakethings. Yeah. Hmm. Youve got power, I guess. Right. Huh. Sorry about that.


Scorpio: The Psionicist

The control of the world via the minds subtle wavelengths has always been you forte, Scorpio. And therefore your fantasy role-playing class is clearly the Psionicist." You engage in subtle discipline in order to bend both other people and your own body to your will. The Psionicist class is extremely flexible, and able to fill a variety of roles. However, each and every one of those role includes being the creepy guy/girl at the back of the party with the hypno-eyes.


Sagittarius: The Paladin/Anti-Paladin

With your faith in light or darkness guiding you, you, Sagittarius, are the Paladin/Anti-Paladin. Your acts of good (or evil) faith are your hallmark. Either way, youre not changing your mind; youre changing everybody elses. Astride your high horse, because you ARE that high horse, you sweep through the country side in order to convert or conquer the heathen. As in real life, you are the most annoying character in the game.


Capricorn: The Monk

Though it would be fair to assign Capricorn the Monk character class because of their solid approach and inner discipline, Capricorn is far more often than not the enemy menacing the fair heroes of the story. Capricorn either embraces internal structure and works diligently to achieve the inner perfection of the Monk, or gives into their rebellious streak, seeking to master the world rather than themselves. This is one of the primary psychological formulas for villainy, and you Capricorn, complete the equation.


Aquarius: The Magic-User

Between the frazzled, mentally over-active manner and the feelings of social alienation, you are the classic wizard. Face it, youve been trying to been trying mix magic and technology your whole life. And now, in the sweet bosom of fantasy role-playing games, you can pretend you have the magic powers you pretend you have in real life! Sweet, sweet imagination.


Pisces: The Cleric

Pisces, you are the last priest/ess of some obscure god or goddess. And you are out to muhfuckin represent. Though you have some healing abilities and arent completely worthless in a melee, your primary job in the party is to call down the wrath of your little-known deity and wreak havoc on the impure. Its just your way of leading people back to the source. Thy Will Be Done.


Disclaimer: If you do not take every word of these horoscopes into you with the utmost faith, you will die. Statistics bear this out. Simply scan the newspapers. You will find that an overwhelming majority of the people that die each week DID NOT read the Baron's horoscopes.

If your newspaper or your mom's website are interested in publishing the Baron's weekly prophetics, shoot this old guy an email at Dr.Coppockalypse@gmail.com. The Baron is also available for birthdays, weddings, funerals and orgies.


Copyright 2006 ABYSSAL EPISTLES

Baron Classics: Psychological Warfare

Twelve Deadly Venoms
The Tactical Tricksters Guide to the Zodiac


How to Aggravate an Aries: Premature Ejaculation

The key to defeating an Aries is simple. Almost each and every Aries mistakenly believes, in their palpitating heart of hearts, that raw force of personality and essential strength is enough to decide a conflict in their favor. Not so, not so. To defeat an Aries at a game of skill, you must find out how to first weather their full assault- and then mock it. Aries engage personally in any contest, and it is their ego that marshals much of their strength. And strength they have, but it is predictable. They tend to have a favored, personalized style of assault. Predict, weather it, and then mock it. Once you begin mocking an Aries, their egos will usually crumble and their game will become a combination of frustration and rage. Unbalanced and easily defeated. Check it out.


How to Destroy a Taurus: Float like a Butterfly

The Taurus player of any game does not suffer from an overly aggressive and unwise energy expenditure pattern. They are often content to plod towards victory a steady and somewhat conservative pace. To destroy a Taurus, hit and run tactics are recommended. Wear a Taurus down by taking shots whenever there is an opening, but retreat before the Taurus brings their full might to bear on your attack. You can cut down on the mass and might of a Taurus game by nipping at its heels and until there is little left but a bunch of bleeding and irritated flesh. Although a bull can crush a wolf, or a gore a tiger with its horns, it can do little but switch its tail at clouds of parasitic flies and blood hungry birds. Be swift, and be constant. Wear down a Taurus conserved strength and suck its patience dry. Youll win.


Degenerating Gemini: Know Thyself

Gemini is often a consummate competitor. Geminis often excel at identifying anothers weakness and then devising a stratagem to take advantage thereof. It is this very strategic sense that can be counted on as Geminis consistent weakness. It is a safe assumption that any Gemini you tangle with in love or war, on chessboard or on the dance-floor will approach the situation by attempting figure out your weakness and then attack it, intelligently. The trick to degenerating Gemini is to be ready for this. To anticipate the perception of your weakness and to prepare for the strategy that will attempt to take advantage of it. The Gemini will become frustrated when they realize that their strategies are of no avail, and then you can press the offensive. Geminis often lack a solid understanding of the basics of any game with which they engage, and will disintegrate into so many warring personalities when their perceived ability to outsmart you fades. Their game plan is based on your game plan. Know your own game.


Crushing a Cancer: Contained Fury

Cancers tend to stick to stratagems where they conserve their power, focusing on defense, and then unleash it all at once, crushing over-intrepid opposition in a defensive counter-strike at your most vulnerable spot. Dont make momma angry. Even in abstract games of skill, Cancer is likely to take things rather personally, and store up their desire to counter-attack. Make a Cancer pay for their lack of aggression. Take the ground they give and hold it. Press the attack and stifle their desire to accumulate power. Disturb the peace of their arrangements and dont give them a chance to attack back. If you can harry a Cancer sufficiently, they will commit too much to a premature counter-attack, which, if anticipated can be easily crushed. Short version: nip at their heels, harry their flanks. Dont commit deeply enough to be counter-attacked. Bait them until their calm is crippled, and then crush their ill prepared counter-attack.


Leo: Believe In Me

Leo generally brings a well rounded, offensive game. Their attack usually isnt terribly subtle, but its rarely incompetent. Leo believes that it can win. It believes in itself. The power of one. With a Leo, its important to make them feel like their all is not good enough. Make them feel outclassed. Make them believe in you, in your power. Leos confidence can be successfully projected on to you by treating every small victory you achieve as though it were the natural order of things. You are the king of this jungle, and it is just part of nature for them to be inferior to you. Once youve managed to rob the Leo of its belief in itself, it will be begin to subconsciously set you up for victory, and itself for defeat.


Violating Virgo: Prosthetic Castration

Like Gemini, Virgo is usually quite canny. Whereas Gemini tends to formulate an offensive game plan based on their opponents strategic weakness, Virgo tends to organize itself to counter any assaults brought to it. Virgo favors the castration defense, sizing up an opponents strengths and then designing a defense to neutralize the attacker. Know this. Know that Virgo is watching. The Baron recommends that you do not start with your best foot forward when you step into the arena with Virgo. Instead, put forth a phony assault. Let Virgo organize itself around what it perceives to be your strengths. Let Virgo have a token victory or two, and then attack the unprotected Virgo with the full glory of your true strength. Their investiture in an ineffective preparation will put them off balance mentally long enough to you to seize the day.


Make Libra Lose: Play Dirty

Though Libras often dont come off as overly-rule bound, they are. Libras like to know the rules, and they like to use them to their advantage. Libras like to have their contests well defined, honorable, fair. They enjoy games of skill as a type of social interaction. Take that away from them. Dont be friendly. Dont enter into the spirit of mutual contest. Dont share words and energy with them. Remove the element of fun. Then, cheat. Not a lot. Just a little bit. And let them catch you. If its basketball, throw an elbow. If its Monopoly, shortchange them. It wont take much to make them furious. Poor Libras mental clarity and skill is entirely dependent upon their emotional disposition. If you can put them off-balance, youve put them off their game. Try it.


Stepping on Scorpio: The Master-Plan Exposed

Scorpios totem animals are small but deadly, including the whole family of arachnids and the most venom laced snakes. Patient and deadly, the Scorpio is usually waiting for you to make an incautious step so that it spring from the shadows and decimate you. And Scorpio IS waiting for that moment. Most Scorpios have bloated egos when it come to their hidden potency, and just CANT WAIT for everyone to see. Fake a false step and let Scorpio try to seize you in its coils. Once a Scorpios plan is exposed and its venom is ingested, an anti venom can be prepared. Scorpios strength is the master plan. Once exposed, Scorpios plans lose the element of surprise and become just another strategy.


Smashing Sagittarius: Bored to Death

Sagittarius enjoys the spectacular nature of a contest. They revel in the feeling of a plan or movement executed with a high level of skill. Not only theirs, most Sagittarii enjoy an opponent who makes bold, powerful moves as well. They wont be intimidated, only excited by being challenged. And that excitement is the key to defeating them. Make whatever game of skill you are playing boring. Make them attend to details, limit them to conservative moves, and work on stifling glory left and right. By turning a glorious battle into a game of numbers and attrition, you rob them of their spirit. Without proper spirit, a Sagittarius enthusiasm and confidence wane, as well as their attention.


Killing Capricorn: A Plan Can Be a Tomb

Capricorn has a strong grasp of the Principles of strategy, but is often dogmatic in the methods it uses. Capricorn tends to get stuck on what it thinks is the Right way to do things. Find out this right way. Then let them think that its working. Encourage their inability to stray from the plan, and they will become very predictable. An opponent whose movements can be predicted becomes the loser.


Antagonizing Aquarius: Short-Circuit

Aquarius brings a high level of rational planning to the table. Aquarius can construct both attacks and defenses with equal ability, and is generally ready for the next logical move any opponent will make. The key to defeating a clever Aquarius is to depart from the rational paradigm. Make stupid moves. Do things that make no sense whatsoever. Make false moves that seem to accomplish nothing whatsoever. Bring Aquarius out of its logical game plan. Make them believe that they cannot use their logic to predict your next move, and force them to rely on their not so keen senses. Aquarians founder without recourse to logic and principles. Expect their brilliance, and then make an idiot out of them.


Pushing Pisces Around: Dont Believe the Hype

Pisces generally enters the fray by remaining indistinct. A powerful Pisces will suggest several different directions of attack and defense without committing to any of them. Dynamic indeterminacy characterizes Pisces approach. To defeat Pisces, one has to do a few things. First, dont follow their lead. Their movements are designed to trick you into making false moves that they can capitalize on. Ignore theatrics. Also, expect them to attack you in a number of different ways. Expect them to change their angle often. Pisces rarely rely on a tried and true technique or two. Stick to your game plan, and shrug off their attempts to mislead you. Youll find, deprived of an ability to take you off your game, that most Pisces lack the ability to stand solidly toe to toe. Force honest confrontation.


Disclaimer: If you do not take every word of these horoscopes into you with the utmost faith, you will die. Statistics bear this out. Simply scan the newspapers. You will find that an overwhelming majority of the people that die each week DID NOT read the Baron's horoscopes.

If your newspaper or your mom's website are interested in publishing the Baron's weekly prophetics, shoot this old guy an email at Dr.Coppockalypse@gmail.com. The Baron is also available for birthdays, weddings, funerals and orgies.


Copyright 2006 ABYSSAL EPISTLES

Baron Classics: Mental Failure

Logical Failings of the Zodiac

In order to help everyone prune their personal tree of knowledge, the Baron introduces a sharpened set of Zodiacal shears. Though you can read your Sun-Sign through the following delineations, those who know will look through the lens of their birth Mercury.

Aries: Mercenary Epistemology

Aries has a battlefield commanders understanding of truth. It is not particularly prejudiced against unorthodox or outrageous ideas, but interested simply in whether or not it works. Though this may be the preferred episteme in the trenches or in the squared circle, it often prevents the Arien from refining its approach. Though a proposed truth must eventually be validated by the real world, it is by walking the most fragile theoretical rope ladders that some of the most important discoveries have been made. And you sound like an asshole, did I mention that?


Taurus: Truck-Load of Bullshit

The plodding Taurus mind often makes the mistake of relying on precedents to predict the future. The Taurean mind may suffer unduly under the yoke of history, dragging every fact thats ever happened into a situation that may be unique and new. Each situation has its own identity, and by drawing to heavily on supposed precedents, Taurus hauls a cart full of bullshit into every discussion.


Gemini: Besieged Castles in the Sky

In logic, there are two basic places to focus the lens of your critique. You can analyze the relationship of the basic assumptions to the reality they seek to describe. You can also analyze how those assumptions relate to each other. Gemini excels at relating ideas to each other, but is notoriously enfeebled when it comes to testing their ideas relationship to reality. Gemini could be credited with the construction of intricate blueprints for inventions that will never work, as well castles in the sky that no one will ever live in.

Cancer: An Inconvenient Truth

Cancer tends to understand terms only as they relate to their personal experience. Though this provides an excellent way to understand the deep personal implications of an idea, it creates serious trouble when the proposed idea is completely or partially outside of their persons experience. Heaven forbid an idea threaten Cancers brittle little reality bubble.


Leo: Your Truth Is Stupid

Leos, god bless their noble souls, often confuse honesty with truth. The hearts truth may be powerful, but its still stupid. Leo, your truth is stupid.


Virgo: Reductio Ad Boring

Virgo has the opposite problem to Gemini. Virgo will spend its entire life crafting its assumptions about reality without ever relating those assumptions to each other in a meaningful way. Virgo may not be wrong about the facts, but often fails to rise to the challenge of meaning. Lame.

Libra: Flirting With Truth

Never stating the argument in clear terms, always phrasing things in forked ways, the Libra treats truth like a seduction, with the double entendre taking precedence over the direct statement. Never making a case that cant be taken in a variety of directions, it becomes possible to always guard against the possibility of being wrong. Having left behind wrong, Libra also releases all claims to right. Flirt with the truth all you want, but youre not getting laid unless you stop the double-speak.

Scorpio: Plutonium-Tipped Drill

Scorpios mind is dedicated to penetration and often well formed enough to drill appropriate holes in any proposition. The Scorpionic mind is so adept at this process that it inevitably sinks the ships of happiness, fortune, and faith. In fact, reality itself yields to Scorpios plutonium tipped drill, and the mind is left disbelieving experience itself. Scorpio may be able to disprove reality, but reality, in the end, disproves Scorpio.


Sagittarius: A Crusaders Truth

Sagittarius is among the worst of the signs when it comes to logical fallacies. Sagittarius tends find truth through vision, metaphor, and god given inspiration. Since the object of their inquiry is difficult to arrive at through logic alone, rationality itself is often left behind. When communicating, Sagittarius tends to point toward the superior results of its beliefs rather than their logical foundations. Though Sagittarius vision is often dead-on, their communication skills are piss-poor.


Capricorn: Daddys Little Thinker

Capricorns, Lord bless their horned souls, tend to argue the truth of things based on their attribution to a deified authority figure. This is the classic logical no-no: the recourse to authority. It is the argument used by children on playgrounds everywhere: My daddy says that the Earth is flat. Well, the Barons Mommy says that the overlap of authority and truth is incidental. So there.


Aquarius: Mr./Ms. Originality

Aquarians do not usually suffer deeply from a lack of method or intelligence, but they make up that by refusing to learn from anyone but themselves. Try testing your local Aquarius in the following way: Say something intelligent which your test Aquarius hasnt been exposed to yet. Wait 15 minutes, and see if they dont restate your idea in their own terms, as if it was the gods own inspiration. Promethean my ass.


Pisces: Compassionate Mess

Pisces mind is often so soggy with the compassion that they cant tell good from evil or left from right. The Baron cant count the number of times hes tried to talk to a Piscean only to be caught in a self-defeating circle of nebulous non-ideas. Dont confuse the ultimately non-judgmental nature of the cosmos with yourself. You are a single spot, with a definite need and position. Relating to the infinite is a positive experience but identifying with it doesnt do justice to your humanity. And its annoying, too.

Disclaimer: If you do not take every word of these horoscopes into you with the utmost faith, you will die. Statistics bear this out. Simply scan the newspapers. You will find that an overwhelming majority of the people that die each week DID NOT read the Baron's horoscopes.

If your newspaper or your mom's website are interested in publishing the Baron's weekly prophetics, shoot this old guy an email at Dr.Coppockalypse@gmail.com. The Baron is also available for birthdays, weddings, funerals and orgies.

Copyright 2006 Abyssal Epistles


Baron Classics: Strategy

A MANDALA OF POWER


Aries: Stomp

The strategy of Aries is to enter into conflict without warning or hesitation and to resolve it before a pattern emerges. The opponent is not allowed to do anything but defend until combat is complete. In the Fire Scroll of the Book of 5 Rings, Miyamoto Musashi writes on stomping down an opponent's attack as he executes it. This means not to allow any further attacks, and to keep attacking unceasingly until the opponent is defeated. One does not permit a combat in which there is an equal and drawn out exchange of blows. Musashi writes: "Stomping is not only done with the feet. You should learn to stomp with your body, stomp with you mind, and of course, to stomp with your sword." This echoes into Robert Greene's 28th Law Of Power: Enter Action With Boldness.


Taurus: Rhythm

Taurus is associated with constancy of being, but a situation in which there is an opponent implies movement. Constancy of movement is called rhythm, and rhythm is important in all things. As Miyamoto Musashi writes in the Earth Scroll of the Book of 5 Rings, "The way to win at battle according to military science is to know the rhythms of specific opponents, and use rhythms that the opponents do not expect." By understanding the fixedness of the opponent on a certain rhythm, or pattern of rhythms, one can choose a rhythm which cuts through the empty places in theirs. By knowing pattern, one can insert a counter pattern in order to achieve victory. One who is insistent on charging can be tripped, while one who is insistent on backing up can be pushed into a corner. It is through understanding the rhythms of the bull that the matador is not slain.


Gemini: Division

With Gemini it is inevitable that the strategy contains division. The division is between the true and the false. The real strength and real vulnerabilities are concealed while decoy strengths and vulnerabilities are presented. For example, an attack is launched which does not contain one's real strength. In going to meet it, the opponent does not engage with the true threat, and is therefore vulnerable to the strength which has been concealed. In individual contests, this is a feint, which is followed by a planned counter-attack. In large scale conflicts, this is a method for flanking an opponent, or pinching their forces between your own, like a vise. It is expected that if one understands this, then one will not be easily fooled by others who utilize this strategy. The division between the true and false also suggests concealing hurts received, and treating enemies as friends.


Cancer: Panopticon

Cancer's strategy is not taken from the histories of armies' mighty clash. No, Cancer's strategy comes to us from the works of the 20th century cultural observer Michel Foucault. His concern was not the employment of weapons on the battlefield, but the knots of power by which a society bound its internal contradictions together. He studied the methods by which the State regulated its dissidents. He thus compiled studies of these strategies, not for the use of rulers, but for residents, so that they might recognize and resist these state-directed rivers of power. One of his most influential ideas was the strategy of the "Panopticon," a metaphor derived from a prison design. The prison was shaped like a tire, with the cells on the inside of the tire. In the center of the tire was an observation tower. From the observation tower, it was possible to look into the inside of any of the cells. While the cells had only bars between themselves and the on-looker, the observation tower had tinted glass, making it possible for those inside to observe, but not be observed. Thus the prisoners never knew when they were actually being watched- they only knew that any point they COULD be watched. Thus all of the rules the prison were constantly on the prisoner's mind. Foucault argued that this type of power was increasingly typical of contemporary society.

We don't know if George Bush has been reading out email. We only know he can. America's birthday is on July 4th. What?


Leo: Crush

In his Book of 5 Rings, Miyamoto Musashi writes, "Crushing requires a crushing mood. As when you view an opponent as weak and become strong yourself, thus overwhelming your adversary." Little describes the state of the Leo in war better. Victory may be gained by careful strategy, and proves the abler strategist, but to utterly crush the opponent presents a proof to the world regarding whose right is divine. Crushing is a greater degree of victory that humiliates the opponent. It demonstrates that the opponent was foolish to even engage, thus ensuring the propagation of one's legend and the destruction of theirs. As Musashi suggests, crushing requires a certain state of mind. One must see oneself as singularly capable of utterly devastating the opponent. To convince this opponent of this reality is to ensure victory. However, if one's force is not sufficient to the task, one's conviction is not sure, and the opponent does not share this view point, the "crush" can backfire on the "crusher", resulting in a loss of morale as well as an enfeebled position. More can be learned through an examination of Robert Greene's 15th Law of Power "Crush Your Enemy Totally."


Virgo: Inhibit

Virgo's strategy is to inhibit the useful and to allow only failure. In the Book of 5 Rings, Miyamoto Musashi writes about "Holding Down the Pillow." This is the strategy of Virgo. One perceives the opponent's intention to act, and then inhibits the action. As Musashi puts it, you "inhibit an opponent's cut from the letter c." All useful actions are inhibited in this manner, while all actions not leading to any advantage to be allowed, even encouraged. Thus the opponent is led to a place of impotence. Frustration increases impotence, and leads to desperation. The desperate have lost.


Libra: Taunt/Seduce

When dealing with an opponent, be they an army, an asshole at a party, or your super-villain arch nemesis, timing is everything. To be able to anticipate an attack is to be able to defeat it. Libra is intensely aware of this. Thus is it is not Libra's strategic nature to attack first. Libra would rather the opponent expose themselves first. Ever so much better if the opponent's attack is hurried, sloppy, and imprecise. One's counter attack is sure to be devastating. This is where the taunt comes in. Libra's strategy is to entice the opponent into attacking prematurely by any means necessary. The insult or taunt and the seduction or lure are the two methods used to do this. The insult or taunt unbalances the opponent in the direction of anger in order to cause them to advance. The seduction or lure dangles irresistible bait before an opponent, unbalancing the mind with the promise of pleasure and causing them to advance prematurely. Both the boxer who intentionally leaves a body part unprotected, and a woman wearing a very short skirt are examples of this strategy. The hasty attack is then countered brutally.


Scorpio: Terror

When we deal with Scorpio, it is difficult to isolate a single strategy. The waters of Scorpio are inevitably clogged with a thousand maneuvers, but many of them can be boiled down to right use of the principle of fear. Niccolo Machiavelli is famed for his statement that it is better for a ruler to feared than loved. Scorpio knows and believes this. Establishing the capability for awful retaliatory violence, whether emotionally, physically, or mentally, the Scorpio is able walk confidently knowing that none dare risk their wrath. By establishing the capacity for vengeance and then concealing their position, fear eats at the minds of potential opponents. Not knowing what will trigger the outburst of violence, all tread carefully. This can be likened to a sniper in a concealed position or the threat of assassination. Fear paralyzes opponents and causes them to second guess their actions. It should be noted that this is the primary tool of the terrorist.


Sagittarius: Crusade

The strategy for Sagittarius is a tactic used to control a populace as well as an opponent. Sagittarius declares holy war. This technique has many advantages. It forces the concealed to reveal their positions or to side with you out of fear, thereby either cowing or defining you opponents. By polarizing the conflict between you and the declared opponent, you appear to be "Right" while they are "Wrong." By identifying "Right" with your interests, and "Wrong" with their interests, it is impossible for you to appear wrong, and impossible for the opponent to appear correct. Confused by the complexities of ethics, many people are happy to place these difficult questions into the hands of others. People flock to someone who will define and then defend a moral code for them. The one declaring the crusade also benefits from appearing to the most moral- according to the definition used to start the crusade! In addition, as people lose interest in the crusade, they find that it is not easy to leave, because by leaving a crusading group, you become the enemy- thus- a traitor.


Capricorn: Position

Capricorn, whether its natives accept it or not, is the motherland of strategy, and thus its strategy is the mother of strategies. The name of that strategy is to attack from a superior position, utilizing the advantages of that position to defeat the opponent. But what is superior position? With terrain, it may be higher ground. In an argument, it may be a position backed by authority. But these are all simple examples. What makes a position superior is one's understanding and use of it. The king who does not understand how to use his position is in an inferior position to the slave who knows the hidden advantages of his perfectly. Thus to understand the setting of the theatre of battle, to choose the best position, and to use the advantages of that position are the proper way. Knowledge of the weaknesses of the opponent's position is the counterpart of this understanding. When an army is in a forest, they may be burned out. When they travel through a marsh and movement is inhibited, one's archers should attack. Each position has advantages and disadvantages. The knowledge of these leads to victory. Though he plays the clown, many movies starring Jackie Chan work with this principle. By superior understanding of the environment, the "weaker" one prevails.


Aquarius: Unorthodoxy

Aquarius is concerned not merely with ideas, but with the significance of ideas at a given time. The inventor exemplifies one who understands the ideas whose time has come. The same applies in strategy. In the Art of War, Sun Tzu writes about the orthodox and the unorthodox . One approaches in an orthodox manner, and yet, "The one who excels at sending forth the unorthodox is as inexhaustible as Heaven." This refers to the understanding of when and why to deviate from the normal and safe in order to achieve victory. It is dangerous to experiment with new equipment or strategy when what is valuable is at stake, but it is the completely unfamiliar yet appropriate that circumvents all existing knowledge an opponent may have. Significance of the innovation to the moment is the key to the proper use of the unorthodox, and may be what many call genius.


Pisces: Mythology

As with the other Water Signs (Cancer, Scorpio), Pisces' strategy is primarily based in understanding and manipulating the psychology of the opponent. While Cancer utilizes the threat of an omnipresent parental awareness to unbalance the mind, and Scorpio the fear caused by sudden and terrible violence, Pisces finds its strategy in the beliefs of its opponents.

Pisces is concerned with the manipulation of the opponent's interpretation of events, the control of meaning. Pisces utilizes the beliefs of the opponents to psychologically maneuver them into a place where they are defeated. To do so, Pisces utilizes the cultural meanings that facts have taken on. For example, the Moon was the symbol of the Persian Empire at the time of Alexander the Great. During a battle when Alexander fought the Persians, there was an eclipse of the Moon. This fact- the physical eclipse of the Moon- was interpreted to mean that the Persians would be eclipsed by the armies of Macedonia.This boosted Alexander's morale and depressed the Persians. To capture an opponent's flag is not victory, but it is a symbol of victory which goes on to create the actual victory it only symbolizes. By understanding how people interpret events, events can be construed as natural proofs of one's victory- its fated nature. This strategy of language and interpretation may be studied extensively in the works of Roland's Barthes' "Mythologies." Successfully "Mythologizing" one's victory provides an excellent segue into "Crushing" -see Leo.

Disclaimer: If you do not take every word of these horoscopes into you with the utmost faith, you will die. Statistics bear this out. Simply scan the newspapers. You will find that an overwhelming majority of the people that die each week DID NOT read the Baron's horoscopes. If your newspaper or your mom's website are interested in publishing the Baron's weekly prophetics, shoot this old guy an email at Dr.Coppockalypse@gmail.com. The Baron is also available for birthdays, weddings, funerals and orgies. Oh, and astrological consultations. There's that, too.


COPYRIGHT 2006 ABYSSAL EPISTLES